And (fear) of Ecomonic Insecurity will Leave Us (promises)

september09 020I love fading ads and I like to think of all the time and money, energy and hope that went into things that are now gone.

Like a good AA, I realize the promise is that my fear will leave me, not actual economic insecurity.

One of the aspects of AA that I love is that it does not promise a rose garden.  I hear lots of members voice that everything has always worked out for them, and so they expect it will continue to do so.  But I don’t think that way.

The Big Book lists calamities that happen to people beyond what I have had to endure, so I know the program doesn’t say these things won’t happen.  Just that I have a chance to endure them and come out a better person if I work the program.

I’ve come a long way with this fear.  I had a “depression” mentality passed down to me from my grandparents, who were young adults during the Great Depression, through my mother and to me.  As far as we descendants know and can tell, my grandparents did not suffer great deprivation or any hunger during the depression.  The nearest suffering of that type that I know about happened to my great grandmother and her daughter and her daughters two children when they were German refugees inside Germany during WWII.

As a young adult myself, I was very frightened of economic insecurity, especially after my daughter was born.  I did not want to put her in daycare, and her father was out of work several times during her babyhood.  I had different fears when I was on my own with the two kids, but I had realized some time before that that most of the homeless families I saw on TV had, for whatever reason, no support.  I had the support of my mother and in-laws, and I wouldn’t be homeless no matter what.

So I learned that as I went along.  Working the program and practicing positive, realistic thinking helped tremendously.  Also I’m sure that just aging and maturing helped me get over my fear.

I was just talking to my mother about how things are where she and I used to work.  There have, for the first time ever, been layoffs there, and it’s frightening.  She was telling me about a friend of hers who works there and is married with two children in their 30s.  Many years ago, the friend’s husband lost what would have been thought of as a life long career with a big defense contractor.  That’s when the friend went back to work with my mother.  Since then her kids have graduated from college with degrees in music and both are living home, unemployed.  The husband is also unemployed.

So much of it has to do with the economy.  It makes us be a bit frightened for Nicholas, since he is racking up major college debt.  He goes to a wonderful school and he is very bright, but you never know.  And it causes me concern, but not fear.

Carole has been able to provide me and Nicholas with health insurance since her employer started covering same sex partners.  I show up as “dependent” on the insurance card and I really want everyone to know that I am not dependent, and I have and still can cover myself and my dependent child all by myself.  For today.

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