November 9, 2009 (this day)

octoberr09 049Like a sore tooth, when my mind is quiet for a second it goes back to poke the admonishment I got the other night.  In addition to asking this person for his career advice, I would like to seek his opinion on my parenting.  None of this is even a little bit loving.  See, my marriage is better than yours.  My sobriety is better than yours.  My career is better than yours.  My children are better than yours.  Tell me again what I should do?

And since I’m recording my messed up oldtimer thinking, I’ll record that I think 25 years (or however many) of sobriety are a handy target for anyone’s anger.  When I worked my first job, my mother gave me the job, and twice in six years (twice that I know of), when someone was angry with me, there came the phrase, “I don’t care who her mother is.”  My son is very bright, and I know it’s happened to him.  “I don’t care how smart you are.”  I imagine it happens from time to time with most people who have something outstanding.  And I’m sorry, 25 years of sobriety is outstanding.  If I drink tonight, I still accomplished (with AA, I couldn’t do it without AA) something wonderful and it’s unfortunate that someone who can’t stop drinking would attack that.  This is actually only the second time someone has said something like that to me.  Not counting Carole, but I think all in love is fair.  Ten years ago a friend of hers made a nasty remark about my then 15 years of sobriety and unfortunately, that person is dead.  Killed by a lack of sobriety.

So, just getting this off my chest, I hope.  I know it actually traumatized me a bit.  I’m very grateful that my parents never hit me or yelled or swore much, and I have a low tolerance for it now.  This person approached me that way.  Not concerned, not sad, but angry and attacking.  I don’t get attacked often.  I respond by defending myself by turning off and tuning out and going away.  Really, was the anger supposed to make me come to my senses?  It didn’t.  It made the messenger seem over the top and out of control.  An expression of concern might have made me consider his point more positively, rather than bringing to mind all I think of when I “consider the source.”

Again, I’m very glad that this is a very rare occurrence.  I wonder what I will learn from it.  This is someone who I expect I will know for a very long time, so I guess I’ll see.

I left work early today to go get a mammogram.  That’s always a bit frightening, and from time to time I practiced relaxing in the fear in preparation to fly.  I was all clear for another year and I thought of many things to add to the gratitude list.  The leaving work early, and not going in at all tomorrow to work off site and then come home, causes me anxiety and I’m determined that after my flight I will put what I learn into use against my worry about work and the dog.  I really will.

And last night, Carole and I went to a meeting we had never been to before.  It was less than 20 miles away.  We live in a suburb of a small city so 20 miles can take some time to cross.  I bet we couldn’t go to a meeting that close by without seeing someone we (or really she) knows, and we did know one person out of the bunch.  I like to experience different meetings even though it’s always a bit uncomfortable for me not the know the routine and the regulars.  It does take a lot of the social drama away from the meeting, which is interesting.

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