Sometimes we took a slightly different tack. Sure, we said to ourselves, the hen probably did come before the egg. No doubt the universe had a “first cause” of some sort, the God of the Atom, maybe, hot and cold by turns. But certainly there wasn’t any evidence of a God who knew or cared about human beings. We liked A.A. all right, and were quick to say it had done miracles. But we recoiled from meditation and prayer as obstinately as the scientist who refused to perform a certain experiment lest it prove his pet theory wrong.
I don’t feel a desire to revisit and rehash my experiences with coming around to believing in a higher power or to praying as a habit as I experienced it “when I first got sober” and through my early, drinking, relapsing years in AA. I’ve written about it elsewhere and it was actually a generation or more ago. It has something to do with the way I am today, but not much.
Now, in the present, I struggle with trying to figure out how much we influence God or God influences us. I write “struggle,” but really it doesn’t consume much of my mental energy, just a little. I understand that I will not know. I understand that all people to a degree wonder about this. For me today, prayer is primarily something I do for myself, for me to exert influence over myself.
I can understand the concept and theory that a higher power created all, then stepped back. I can also understand the concept and theory that all is pre-ordained, with human actions meaning nothing. I can mentally grant that one or both or neither of those is true. Regardless, I won’t recoil from meditation and prayer because I believe those things influence my mind, if not the mind of God.
And in the picture, Xandra is wearing a gentle leader head collar. It allows her some (too much, but still) freedom while mostly enabling us to stay in control of her. She does not understand the dangers of suburbia and, were she given free rein, she would quickly get hurt beyond repair.