Getting Past “Mistakes”

Many years ago, I got in trouble at work for something I had said.  Now “trouble” isn’t really the best word to describe it, but I got “talked to” because I had said the wrong thing.  I work with people who have mental retardation, and my supervisor had to tell me that I had said the wrong thing at a meeting.  I took that hard.  Obviously I’m still hanging on to it.

Also many years ago, The Daily Word had a meditation about doing the wrong thing and getting past mistakes.  I kept it and applied it to that situation.  I still do.  It’s still hard for me when I do the wrong thing.

Sometimes, it’s hard to admit I’m wrong and I’ve done the wrong thing.  Sometimes, it’s hard to apologize or even be sorry, even though the thing was wrong.  Sometimes, it’s hard for me not to beat myself up and apologize and apologize and apologize.

Carole and I, along with another couple, are planning a trip to Hawaii in May.  Most of my thoughts about this center on flying and my fear of flying.  But really, I don’t like vacation.  I like to see certain things or spend time doing certain things but I don’t like leaving home and my stuff and my job and my animals.  I don’t hate it so much that I don’t want to go, and I actually do want to go or, more precisely, I want to have gone and be back.

Part of my coping strategy has involved not participating in the planning of the vacation, and I describe it like participating in the planning of your surgery.  Some people want to participate and some insist on participating.  I would like someone to wake me up when it’s over.

So I’ve been very minimally involved in the planning of this Hawaii trip until yesterday, when the plan tickets were purchased.  Last night, it occurred to me that our son, Nicholas, is a senior in college and might be graduating in May.

In my defense, Carole and I were both under the impression that he was not going to graduate but was going straight to a Master’s without graduating but still, his plans were never final, and we should have thought to check.

As soon as the tickets were purchased my planner kicked into gear just a little bit and allowed me to wonder about this.  This morning I talked to Nicholas and he is indeed graduating in May, during the time that we would be gone.

So now the arrangements have to be changed and I don’t know how much that will cost.  It was so unnecessary and I should have checked a long time ago and now people will have to go through expense and trouble to make it right.

And now I’ve sent the other couple flowers and spoken to all the people involved and as far as I can tell they are all annoyed but OK with it and with me.  Now I have to stop apologizing and start doing better now, which I am.  I’m not going to disengage because of my silly self-serving fear.  I release the past and I live in the now.

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