As we glance down the debit side of the day’s ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong. In most cases our motives won’t be hard to see and understand. When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that. Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God’s help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, make, of course, any amends still neglected.
I had another angry morning at work, and this happens way too often. I absolutely knew in the beginning, middle and at the end of it that I was angry, that I was wrong to be angry, and that I needed to get over my anger. I didn’t express it, because to do so would be to “let them see me sweat.”
My motive in that situation is often that my power and control is questioned or threatened. Should I be the director? Well, yes, that is my job. I am supposed to direct. My direction is pretty well guaranteed to make at least one person, probably more, unhappy every single day that I do it. I take that unhappiness too hard. I know that I deal with the hassle, the job and the unhappiness because it is for the greater good.
I really don’t do a daily inventory, formal or informal, I more try to define it in the moment. Either way, considering “each thought or act that appears to be wrong” seems like an impossibly tall order.
Trying to visualize how I might have done better is also difficult. I try to call to mind someone who did my job or my type of job very well, and I wonder how that person would have reacted to what I’m going through. The person I’m left thinking about was really only my second supervisor in the string of six, and although she did most things very very well, there were employees who didn’t like her either, and who reacted badly to her direction each and every day.