Working Through the Language of My Anger

I’ve not considered myself to be an angry person, generally, and I tend more toward the depressed side of things than the angry.  But I am consumed by anger right now, over a specific situation and I don’t remember ever being this angry before.

So in between the things I was supposed to do today, I worked a bit on my anger.  I have no conclusions but a few things I’ve reminded myself of, or tried to understand better.

– anger hurts me spiritually, physically and mentally (emotionally)

-it shuts out God – closes the door on a higher power – I am the highest power when I’m angry

-AA tells me that my goal is to rid myself of anger.  It doesn’t say there is healthy anger, or justifiable anger, or anger I can hold on to and play with for a while.  It tells me when I’m angry, I am wrong, regardless of the cause of my anger.

-Knowing I’m angry, I must make sure I don’t hurt anyone else, or myself.

-Why am I angry?  Part of my anger comes from the fact that I can’t tell.  I can’t tell on this blog and I can’t tell anyone in real life.  That is unfair and it makes me angrier.

-But I’m angry because I’m afraid (and other things I can’t mention).  Am I ready to have my fear removed?  My self-esteem has been damaged.

-God please help me be ready to have them removed.  God please save me (yes, save me!) from being angry.

-Anger is poison.  This afternoon, when I noted that, I was thinking that is poisons me, as it surely does.  But I see now that it poisons those around me also.

-I am not running the show.

-My anger comes from self-pity, selfishness, self-centeredness and self-seeking.

-My anger actually has the power to kill me.  I know this is true and not overly dramatic.

-I have ceased fighting anyone or anything (even alcohol).

-Being angry is like beating myself with a club.

-I’m trying to proclaim my own righteousness.

-Rage makes me feel powerful and offsets my feelings of shame or inadequacy.

I am still learning.

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2 thoughts on “Working Through the Language of My Anger

  1. Lydia,

    I suggest picking up a copy of “Born Only Once” by Conrad Baars. I am dealing with anger issues right now. Anger can be used for good. It can be used to give us energy in protecting ourselves. Staying safe is good. Depressed people often do not allow themselves to feel anger. Allowing oneself to feel angry is a step in the right direction. As we begin to allow ourselves to feel anger for the first time, we are going to make mistakes. Over time we will learn how to harness our anger and use ot for good. In the beginning it will be too big, but that is much better than not ever feeling it. Over the years, it will get to a moderate, more managable level.

    Feeling anger does not mean we have to say mean things to someone.

    Feeling angry does not mean we have to punch, slap, kick, or push someone.

    Once we learn to tolerate our own anger, we will be able to make healthy, wise choices, even when angry. It is typical for alcoholics to try to squash their emotions. It is actually good and healthy for us to feel ALL of our emotions. Reality is good and some things in reality are worth being angry over. God is the Ultimate Reality. Let’s not run away from God. Let’s not run away from the gift He has given us in our anger.

    Buddhists and New Agers may think differently, but I am neither.

    Peace!

    • Thank you for your comment. I am also neither Buddhist nor New Ager. I’m an AAer. The AA literature is what saved my life and what I follow to the best of my ability. I think it’s clear that anger is something to be removed. Situations seldom happen to where another person is just mean and rotten and wrong wrong wrong. Usually others are just being human and my anger is not of the healthy, self-preservation kind.

      I love AA as we are all invited to belong and to disagree. Peace to you also.

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