Loss

I wrote about losses as part of my story.  I’ve had lots in the past four or so years.  Loss as a concept in general, though, has new meaning for me.  It’s where my mind is concentrated lately, but I think it’s because I’m going through menopause.  Taken apart from circumstances, I expect the loss of my reproductive status and all that goes with it to be a positive thing.  I’ve loved having children and I enjoy being a girl, but the monthly reminders are something I don’t expect to miss.

But it’s a milestone, for sure, and one that marks distance passed that is leading up to an end.  That’s not welcome.  As I get closer to that, others ahead of me arrive, and some who I thought were behind me move ahead.  We’re all on the same ship Earth, I’ve read, just sharing the ride until death.

So.  I’m more than grateful to have the program of AA to not let my head stay there for long.  That does no good whatsoever, except to maybe help me appreciate the people who are here with me now a bit more.  But losses add up in that way and in others.  I’ve lost a tooth that’s not coming back.  I’ve lost the hair color of my youth, the elasticity of my skin, the ability to sleep soundly or go without sleep, lots of my eyesight for things both near and far.  I’m sorry, but these losses are just not good.

I’ve gained things also, but that’s not what this is about.  I am mostly happy and I am mostly grateful and I am mostly beyond satisfied with my lot and my life and they way I’ve spent my time.  Very very grateful to have spent so much time sober.  I’m also grateful for the example that AA gives me of the way it goes for older people in the program, but really, honestly, I only feel that to a point.  I know older folks who have ceased to be able to function on their own and have gone to group living arrangements or died.  I haven’t visited any of these people in any of these places.  I’ve never actually heard of anything like AA in an assisted living arrangement or nursing home.  I’m sure that’s worth looking into.

Mostly, I’m happy for what I gain and what remains, but loss is a theme that’s taken on a different meaning and feeling in my life.  I suspect that’s part of the human experience.  Personally I’d like to feel the sadness of it less, though I doubt I can let that go completely.  AA always offers me a way to get out of myself and be useful here, now, to be part of someone else’s gain.

old-stuff-005

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