My week at work was extremely hectic and emotional. My work partner, Irene, and I will be be overseeing the program while our supervisor is out on medical leave, at least until the end of May. In organizing everything and finding out where things are, we had to clear through a lot of “wreckage of the past,” both literally and metaphorically.
There are times this opens old wounds for me and it hurts the way only old wounds can. As part of my new thinking for Lent I have tried to turn away from old and painful thoughts as soon as they surface. At work, I have tried to think of it in terms of “What does it mean to Hannah?” Hannah is a new person who is transitioning from school into my program now that she has turned 21. Hannah could well spend thirty or more years of her life at my program. Hannah knows nothing of the past of the program, the people or my broken hearted ideals and experiences. Hannah needs the best program I can help provide.
On my first morning of the first day that I planned to take inventory at the end of (huh?), I applauded myself for creating the mental metaphor of cleaning an old wound so that new skin and tissue can grow and repair. It hurts to clean it, but it must be done, or the bad old stuff will cause the whole thing to rot.
I listened to a prayer on the phone (which is a good thing for me to do) and appreciated the metaphor of Joseph trusting God when the angel told him of God’s plan. Kind of like, “God, seriously? Good will come from this?” I can identify. A little bit. I’m not really comparing myself to Joseph.
I was a bit resentful about two experiences in the morning, but I knew the proper emotional responses and I worked on nurturing those, rather than my resentments. I let myself by admonished and corrected by Irene. This is nothing new, but I used to have a better and more loving attitude about it years ago. Honestly, I tend to think of myself and more enlightened and superior to her because I work a program and I can appreciate her despite her admonishments. Honestly, I see the hypocrisy right there. Yes I do.
I felt to much pain and regret that day. These are minuses to me. I’m not doing a good job of handling my emotions when I do that.
At home, I was worried and selfish of Erika’s cat. I didn’t clean as much as I should have. I didn’t walk the dog (though I had before work, I didn’t after).
Then, brushing my teeth to go to bed, I remembered that I was supposed to review this document. I resolved to do that, though I really didn’t want to, then promptly forgot about it and went to bed.
The next day I felt bitter, bitter, bitter about something at work. The central dilemma is that now others are handling things they tried to make my old boss handle. It can’t be done by someone in that position, she failed tragically (to me at least), and now they fix it all up.
The next day Irene heaped tons of gossip and innuendo upon my head, and it upset me.
So I’m not doing well with this at all. I feel I am terribly at sea with it and I make break an extremely long standing personal tradition of mine and actually bring it up as a topic at my meeting tonight.