Letting Go of People

I feel like I’ve gotten worse at this, and have a harder time now than I have before.  That may be because I am at a time in life where there are more losses than gains, as far as people go.  The people I’ve lost had very important places in my psyche.  People like my grandparents.  Whether or not I will gain people like grandchildren remains to be seen.  For today the answer is no.

I think of the old schoolmates who find me and “friend” me on Facebook.  These people did not care about me much when we were in school together.  Now that we’re far-flung, we see how precious that time and that belonging to each other was, and is.  I went to the same schools from kindergarten through twelfth grade, and knew many of those people that long, and spent every day with them.  I won’t have relationships like that again.

I understand that I’ve been gifted and priveleged with these relationships.  I had to have good grandparents to mourn their loss.  My growing up experience was mostly good, and I can let these people “friend” me with no fear.  And most of these things are good and fun.  My grandparents lived long, and my grandmother met my kids.

The moving around I’ve chronicled here did take a toll.  It’s interesting to me that I really never wanted to move away.  I’ll have to say about this when I write about letting go of places.  But I wanted the places and the people to stay the same.  It didn’t work out that way.

I’ve been at my job for ten years.  There is only one person there (out of around 25) who has been there longer.  Everyone else has moved on, probably multiple times.  It was hard for me to leave my previous job, when I moved to be with Carole.  The people I’m still in touch with lament it with me, that we had such fun, and didn’t appreciate what we had when we had it.  There are even online communities I’ve belonged to for years now, and I don’t want to let them go.

So I feel like I’m not as good at this as I “should” be, and that large portions of my unhappiness (when I’m unhappy, which isn’t much of the time) are due to this.  I want more than my share, for sure, because I want my good and easy relationships to go on forever.

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