Very Deep, Sometimes Quite Forgotten (Step Eight continued)

Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness.  At the time of these occurrences, they may have actually given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse.

I need to confess right away that I hate this stuff, and that I often don’t even believe in it.  I also understand that this may be a true and glaring weakness of mine, and that my disdain has more than a little to do with pride.  Since I first started to think about psychology, psychological illnesses and problems, and to some extent until now, I think that most of our misery is home grown, self induced, sniveling stupid and wrong.

OK?

I have used every tenant of AA and of Christianity that I can to prove my point, and I have also used it all to quickly and painlessly turn the subject away from “poor me” and what I may have had to live through.  I am (and I venture to say that you are) one of the most blessed and privileged of all people in the entire history of people, and of all the people who are living on this earth today.  My blessings are many and my problems are few.  I have never lacked any material thing and emotionally and (yes) psychologically I’ve been pretty well taken care of also.

So dear readers who have followed by journey this far, and dear people who know me in real life and know my history and may even know my mother, you all know that my father died from alcoholism when I was just a wee thing, six years old.  You know that my mother married someone I haven’t spoken to since I was 9, that she has abused a substance or two in her life, that she was pretty neglectful as far as setting standards or boundaries and so at 16 I was a victim of abuse in the form of the lecherous neighbor.  You know that I struggled long to get sober, and that I was a fairly saturated drunk.  That I moved all over the country against my wishes, that childbirth was traumatic for me, that I was left to fend for myself (with a good education and lots of family support) and my two little ones.

Violent twists to my emotions?  I just don’t see it.

But because it is in the book and in the step and because I have chosen this path of recovery, I will try to see if there’s anything there.  The first thing that comes to mind is the separation anxiety I had as a child, which was huge.  I was really quite an old child when I was still being afraid that my mommy was not returning.  I think we can all agree that this was to be expected, given the fact that my father died when I was very young.  I have to say though that it hasn’t really followed me into adulthood.  I find myself very able to separate from my mother, my children and my wife for long periods of time, if necessary.  I have a harder time leaving the dog, but that’s another subject, I think.

So now that I’ve spilled all that out, I have to say I can’t find anymore.  It is quite possible that these events have been “quite forgotten,” and that they are still “below the level of consciousness.”  I can’t channel them.  I feel like this post is really a confession, because I just absolutely am not relating to this even a little bit.  I see clearly that I may just be protesting too much.  But that’s all I have right now.

I’ll continue on with the step and see if this gets any clearer.  I also want to record that I know for a fact that people really do suffer from things that happen to them, that they witness, and as a result of the way they are treated.  I can see this from one extreme to the other, where people I know who have mental retardation will take any food they can get their hands on because in the distant past they were actually starved, all the way up to gay people not wanting to come out because of their actual upbringing or because of what they perceive in society, or I don’t even know why.  I’m in no way saying these things aren’t real, I’m saying that IF I suffer from them, I just cannot see it at all.  That, and I do want it to be possible for the occasional person – someone, somewhere – to not have suffered much at all.

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