Insanity

Two AA illustrations come to my mind.  The first says something like “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.”  This happened to me many times for several years.  I kept drinking over and over again, thinking that this time would be different, that this time I had learned my lesson and would not drink too much this time.  Insane.

The second illustration is that of the jaywalker who keeps crossing the street in the middle of traffic and getting hurt worse each time, but continuing.  My drinking got worse over time, but still I persisted.  Insane.

I have a problem that I commonly hear other express.  I don’t know that I was awfully sane before I drank, so I am sometimes dubious that God or anything can restore to me something I never had.  I guess as a child, though, I was more sane, or at least I was born with the capacity for sanity, and in that way maybe I can be restored.

When do I still do these insane things?  Well, they are not present at the level they were when I was drinking.  Then I played with life and death in a terrible way.  Now.  I find myself having the same arguments with the same people.  I fail to change my own bad habits.  I fail to recognize and accept certain aspects of human nature – mostly by thinking that things can change, like people at work won’t try to get away with things like talking on the phone during work.  Though of course for now, and forever after, I have to remember that I have actually done worse, and may yet be called on it.

Urg.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

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