God Has My Attention

Today I headed out to work with my brand new attitude still firmly intact.  I listened to a telephone prayer, and the Pastor told me not to fret over things I can’t control.  Someone at work got a promotion of sorts, and someone else was being negative about it.  I was able to voice the good things about the person in question, just like I used to be able to do in the old days.  I was doing well.

Then the usual BS began about something or other, and the phone rang, and I ignored it.  Or should I say I decided not to answer it.  This was early in the morning, before everyone was in, and no clients were there, so it wouldn’t have been someone asking for help with a client.  People can and do page me if they need me immediately.  It was one of those things where I hoped they’d resolve the problem on their own if I didn’t respond.  And yes, I completely expected a problem.

When the phone rang a few minutes later, I figured enough was enough and I picked it up.  An office staff person told me that she’d emailed me but also wanted to tell me, someone had called with an emergency.  I called that person right back.

tjI found that a client had passed away a few hours previously.

Unfortunately, this happens often.  The people I work with usually have multiple disabilities and are often medically compromised.  This particular person was not healthy, and I often worried, but still this news was a shock.

I have a recurring spiritual crisis I endure each time this happens.  I wonder why God made the world this way, or failed to prevent the world from being this way.  Really I think these details don’t matter to God and have nothing to do with the soul and spirit of each person, but the unfairness hits me every time.  Some of us have healthy, fully functioning bodies and live relatively free from physical pain and physical concerns.  Others suffer and never know what it is to walk or take a drink or read a book or a blog.

I also picture that these particular people who go before me will act as references for me in the next world or life.  I try to imagine what they would say about me at my final judgement.  This goes along with the idea in the Bible that the blind person was made blind in order to test those who could see.  Whether this could possibly be true is way beyond my grasp.  I use that line of thinking to remind myself to do it better and give more tomorrow.  And to not take the littlest things for granted.  Because they were “granted,” given, I didn’t work for them and I don’t deserve them.

I cared for this person closely for ten years.  My world will not be the same without him.  I was paid, hour after hour, year after year, to be a part of his life.  And we had such good times and so much fun.   As an individual, this person was one of the most loving people I’ve ever known.  That could be very bothersome at times, but mostly it was very nice and a great example.  He loved people just because they occupied the same time and space, and so they belonged to him.

He never wanted to stay home, no matter what the weather or his health or anything else, he wanted to come to work when it was time.  I joked all the time that if he won the lottery and won it big, he would still come to work the next day, and actually be quite crushed if he couldn’t come for some reason.  Just to be with us.  Just because.

I was supposed to teach him things, but mostly I really couldn’t.  He taught me so much, though, if only I would learn.

Rest in peace.

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