November 21, 2008 (fear and worry)

I did something wrong at work back in September, and today I got called on it.  Except that the person calling me gave me the benefit of the doubt, which I don’t deserve.  I didn’t do this thing maliciously, more negligently, but I did it.  My fear is that more will show up on the next quarterly report.  I don’t know what constitutes a quarter, but it’s possible I did it in October or November.  Of course I won’t be doing it again.

I got that call in the middle of the day, and it’s difficult for me to think of anything else.  I’ve mulled over sixteen different scenerios, both good and bad, and once in a while I get that shot of panic that feels so awful.  Again, the job is threatened, and again, I realize that I love it.

Other lessons abound.  The people there who I dislike and resent didn’t do this thing that I did.  Really, anyone can get fired at any time for anything.  It seems to happen fairly frequently.  So this is just a detail.  They’ll keep me if they want to, or decide my crime is too serious and not keep me.  Either way there is nothing I can do about it.  And either way, all I can do is try to appreciate each day as much as I can.

Being in trouble at work (and this is sort of worse than being in trouble, because so far they are being so nice to me and I don’t deserve it) is one of the most difficult things for me to deal with.  I’ve always felt this way, and I can recall and recount every time it’s happened.  Happily, it’s only happened a few times.  I read the Daily Word, and years ago it had a meditation that is one of my favorites.  It’s in my desk at work (along with half my life – I’d need a U Haul to leave), but the gist of it is that I may have done or said something that I regret.  I may not have taken the best road, but I have learned something valuable from it (and boy, have I).  I release the past and live in the now.  I rotate other meditations  weekly on my bulletin board and try to read them every day.  This week’s said that we and others make mistakes, but that only a fool would continue in the mistake.  It said not to stir yesterday’s trouble into every new thing.

Earlier this evening I was looking at this blog.  I clicked on one of the posts that is listed on the sidebar as being popular today, I read this.  The seventh step quote says, Our eyes begin to open to the immense values which have come straight out of painful ego-puncturing. And I wrote “I do see the point about ego-puncturing.  I would very much welcome this at this point, knowing that it can bring relief and better days.”

What the hell was I thinking?  I can’t imagine.  I’d love to remember and get that feeling back!

I went to a meeting and now I’m writing this.  I don’t like to go to bed when I’m worried, because I’ll usually lay and worry more.

I remember a meeting I went to a long time ago.  The topic was fear and worry, and it was snowing heavily outside.  I realized then and I said then that my worry and fear about driving home in the snow would not melt one flake.  All it would do is make me miss some of the meeting because my mind was elsewhere, and maybe make me drive badly because of my fear.  That was a long time ago, and here I still am, worried and frightened about the things I cannot change.  And still thinking that I even know what I should worry about or what might go wrong, when experience has shown me over and over that I do not.

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4 thoughts on “November 21, 2008 (fear and worry)

  1. Please don’t stop Lydia…you are keeping me alive. I need your stories. You touch me in so many ways. Thank you. I wish/hope/pray I am doing the same for others as you are doing for me. God Bless

  2. Thank you, too. No chance of me stopping as long as I am able to continue. I love to write, and I love recovery, and I wish I had thought of combining them a long long time ago.

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