I’ve started out well with my gratitude. My sleep resentment from last night – I think I have a solution I will propose. I am resentful but I’ve lived with it for ten years. I can do it for ten more.
The dog, my body, the safe place to walk her. My ability to walk her. A dog worth walking. The warm house and Carole and Erika warm and safe within it. The car that works to take me to the work.
I’ve begun to read a book about trauma, having the dog walking trauma in mind. I think, though, that I may be able to look at the work situation as a trauma also. It certainly was traumatic, and I suffer from it too much day to day. It may be that leaving the scene of the trauma is best, but that’s not the direction I’m going in now. This morning I was faced with growing difficulties. There is the aspect of it that innocent and vulnerable people suffer.
With both the dog and the job, I fear the devastation. I can and do talk about both, sometimes the job stuff way too much. I feel a fear way deep down that if I really accept what has gone on with the dog or the job, I will melt from all the pain. Maybe the trauma book will help me. In just the beginning parts I’ve read so far there are people who have suffered so much much much more than I have, and who have gone on to be mostly happy and productive. I feel weak and wimpy just writing that. I can disgust myself with my wimpyness, but I understand that is also completely self serving. I am to serve others, and there about over 70 people just outside my door who need my service.