Spot Check Inventory (Step 10)

When all else fails, follow directions.

I was at work yesterday, feeling pretty negative and unserene.  I quickly Googled steps 6 and 7, and I came upon a list of character defects.  I began writing about them in relation to my disturbance, and this is what I came up with:

Resentment and Anger – I resent – the people who let old boss go, both people who are still here and people who were let go, both administrators and others who conspired against her – person who has taken her place for not doing a good job – person who couldn’t support her, yet really wanted all she provided.

Fear and Cowardice – I fear leaving here, I fear losing relationship with someone I could have worked with every day.

Self Pity – I am used and abused at work. I’m here even now without partnership or leadership. I live with a negative co worker. I have to deal with the reality that my dream situation, super excellence in the program, won’t take place. I’m not respected, admired or trusted enough for the powers that be to retain old boss on my word. I’m taken advantage of and have to deal with all kinds of crap, negative things, that are not my job, because supervisor isn’t here. I have to look every day at those who ousted someone who made them do the right thing. I have to look every day at people who are not doing the right thing, and I have to accept that it’s allowed. I have to see good people who try to do the right thing suffer at the hands of others.

Self Justification – I am justified in giving up. I see my bad situation, and I know that I can still do good here. I am justified in not breaking my back for this any longer. I’m justified to feel sadness at what I’ve lost – relationship, ideals for the program, and another relationship. I’m justified in staying silent when others do wrong. I’m justified in listing what they do wrong to maybe be used one day.

I’m putting it here to stew over.  I have trouble, at times I can’t see how working with this nasty stuff will help me get through it and actually grow.  But, I believe.  I believe that if I keep at it, it will work.  My own experience and the experiences of others leads me to believe this.  It is that ability to believe and persist that has made the program work for me, for 24 years and counting.

Advertisements

One thought on “Spot Check Inventory (Step 10)

  1. I’m glad you did this. This may seem trite, but I’ve come to believe that “a problem shared is a problem halved.” I also know that “the only way through this stuff is through it.” You’ve been feeling all of this for so long it seems. Maybe your current workings-through will get you to a better place of acceptance and, then, a clearer direction toward what is the next thing for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s