Experience (my story continued – 18, 19, 20, 21)

My standard disclaimer: I don’t remember much from this time. What I do remember is jumbled, very well jumbled.

I was in college, I was living with the guy from across the street, and when he left me, I drank. I made a decision to drink, and I did it. Over the next approximately five years, I drank, attended AA, and achieved some brief periods of sobriety. All of my abstinence from alcohol was achieved through AA. I never was able to stop without. I don’t remember trying to do that.

I have one harrowing incident I always tell when I tell my story at a meeting. It encompasses many of the elements of what went wrong and what was bad with my drinking.

I remember getting up on a school day, drinking before I got in the car to go to school. I remember arriving at school, parking in a parking lot, and having to pee so badly that I couldn’t make it a building. I remember (once) peeing in the back of my car.

I remember being in class, being drunk, making loops in my notebook to give the appearance of taking notes. I remember going to the ladies’ room, taking a swig from the bottle I had in my purse. It was a hand lotion type of bottle, a successor to my frizzy hair spray bottle I had used when I first started drinking. I hadn’t been found out with the hair bottle, and I wasn’t found out with the lotion bottle either.

Next memory, I was sitting in the cafeteria downstairs in the building where my class had been. There were two guys from my class sitting at a table with me, saying things like, “That’s not right, the way he treated you.” I surmised that I had done something stupid and awful in class, and that the teacher had spoken to me about it. You have right there a classic symptom of alcoholism. The fear and dread, and no memory, of what the hell did I do, and will I be able to fix it?

Next memory, it was snowing. I was in a phone booth, speaking to some poor, good soul who was answering the phones for AA at their home that night. I was telling this poor, good soul that I was a member of that there fellowship, and that I was too drunk to drive myself home from school, and could someone help me? Well not knowing where I was, or who I knew, this person had a slim chance of actually helping me. I hung up. I hope that person didn’t worry about me too much. Too bad I can’t tell them that it all turned out OK.

Next I remember coming to, briefly, on the road to my home. Next thing I knew, I was further down the same road. I would swerve all over the place, unable to drive, then black out and come to again further down the road. I guess I was driving OK in the blackout, but I’d lose the ability as I came to. It was snowing hard and piling up, and I pulled over.

I remember being at a gas station pay phone. I called my sponsor (who else?), and I tried to describe to her where I was. She asked me, and I told her, what I saw out the windows of the place. I then decided I was too drunk to do even that, and I hung up on her. I went back to my car, I passed out, and the snow quickly covered my car.


One thought on “Experience (my story continued – 18, 19, 20, 21)

  1. Hi there.. I landed on your blog through wordpress blog connection thing… based on the word or tag call recovery. It is really interesting how you base your recovery on memory. I never really thought about sitting down and recollecting about the past so that I can see the mistake I made to recover myself.
    Thanks for giving me the idea to do so. I enjoy reading your recollection, and hope to be able to read more in the future. And hope that you don’t mind me invading your privacy. I just landed on there because the wordpress brought it up. Plus, I am trying to build connection with people who are somewhat in the same boat as I am, to have a network to help each other heal or build better lives for each other.
    I have changed my way of living, and is willing to spend time on the internet connecting with people to rebuild lives then spend time on the internet doing stupid things and causing troubles.
    And like I said, I really like your recollection of events, it is very detail and intriguing. And I believe those recollections can be used to help people in the future. If you don’t mind I like to exchange links with you and maybe email so that we can maintain communications.
    I too have a past, and is willing to share it with everyone. As I go, I hope to receive more reader and comment from people. As I believe that the best way to heal is through communication and support from the environment.
    Anyhow my blog is http://www.e9u.com and email is justin @e9u.com … if you like to connect.

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