It is nowhere evident (Step Six continued)

It is nowhere evident, at least in this life, that our Creator expects us fully to eliminate our instinctual drives. So far as we know, it is nowhere on record that God has completely removed from any human being all his natural drives.

Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn’t strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, our sins.

Just today, a few hours ago, I gave in to a huge pity party and tried to let myself feel, for a short time, all the frustration and sadness that I could possibly dredge up regarding my current situation.  My sadness is mostly centered around work at this time, but there are other things as well.  Some good transitions are happening, and I am mostly filled with gratitude.  But even as my children grow and succeed and move on, I can’t help feeling we are all just that much closer to death.  The last twenty three years of my life (and, thankfully and not coincidentally, all of my sobriety) have been mostly dedicated to giving my children the best environment I could in which to grow.  And they have grown.  And I am sad about it, a bit, even though I am mostly happy and grateful.  The thing I wanted most in life, to actively mother children, is coming to an end.

The work situation is filled with “if only.”  It’s particularly sharp and painful right now due to some changes there.  Interestingly, the changes, good and bad, that I’ve experienced there seem to cluster around six month intervals.  August 27 and February 27 have become time marking points for me and my work.  Today it occurred to me that regarding recent changes, I must must must give circumstances and myself time to  adjust before I can know how I feel.  Some people find this waiting strange, but I hate change, and even changes for the better upset me greatly.

I knew today, before I read this part of the sixth step, that my “if only” scenarios are me playing director and God.  I cannot know what is best for any of the people involved, including myself.  I cannot know if situations are unfolding according to some preordained master plan, or if it’s all random and cold.  If I was truly given supernatural control over events and people, I couldn’t undo what has been done, since I don’t know what is best.

Are my instincts driving me blindly?  Am I demanding more satisfaction and pleasure than is possible or is my due?  Is it just that shit happens?  My “if only,” magical thinking rails against reality and I suffer.  More than that, it makes me often unable to be as helpful and peaceful as I can be.

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