Turning it Over

Recently I read something that said, sort of, that “turning it over” is working steps four through twelve.  I really need to think about that more deeply.

Usually what I mean by “turning it over” is that I’ll stop trying to influence an outcome, maybe by arguing a point or presenting more evidence.  Or that I’ll mentally try to stop rebelling against some awful truth that I can’t accept.

But I really like this new definition much better.  My will and my life are not momentary, specific things.  My will is constant and so is my life.  I guess I try to live in accordance with what I think a higher power wants.  Many good habits are deeply ingrained in me (and many bad ones as well).  And the “work” I do on myself as I strive to get better goes on purposefully and also unconsciously.

But that all seems so nebulous.  Inventory, amends, prayer and good works – maybe it is the doing of these things that is the act of turning it over.

Self-Will

The alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so.

The text goes on to say that we need to get rid of selfishness, of self, or it will kill us.

This is painfully obvious to me, as it relates to drinking.  No question I was not going to live much longer the way I was drinking.  That’s an extreme example of selfishness, in that everything and everyone fell by the wayside and came second to what I wanted, which was to drink.

This seems as good a place as any to mention a sort of debate I’ve been having with Antonahill.  This person has commented on my assertions that AA is not a cult.  The discussion has gotten too convoluted and difficult for me to follow, with Anton quoting me and me quoting Anton.  Our discussion travel over several posts and I have printed all of Anton’s comments in full.  I just find I can’t really answer them anymore and make any sense, though I can address ideas one at a time.

Somewhere in there Anton asks if I hadn’t been exposed to the ideals of AA before.  Ideals like honesty, hard work, and taking care of others.  I was very young when I got sober, but of course I had been exposed to those ideals since I was born.  Part of the magic of AA, for me, is that it gave me a concrete way and unlimited support to actually progress in my ability to live those ideals.  If I had been able to do it alone, believe me, I would have.

I started to write this post with the Big Book quote, then I saved it as I was going to a meeting.  At the meeting they read this very paragraph and talked about it for an hour.  They talked about prerequisites for taking the Third Step and formally opening the door to giving up my own will to a higher power.  Somewhere in the cult posts, Anton asserts that saying I am powerless is ridiculous.

I picture a tantruming toddler who has been put in her crib.  She is powerless to get out of the crib or to bend circumstances or people to her will.  She has the power to rant and cry and hurt herself and possibly some property.  But really she is powerless over the conditions that set her off in the first place.

While I tried to have power over alcohol, I was powerless to make any kind of change for the better, to manage my life or to do anything other than race toward death.  My will, the will of an active alcoholic, was killing me.  I had to give it up to live.

Now I’m a bit farther down the road.  I don’t will my own destruction any longer.  But have I really reached the place where I want to be good just because it is good to be good?

My self-will battles with God’s will when I try to lose weight.  The battle continues when I know that I must love someone, or forgive someone, or do something for someone that I don’t want to do.  I can be stubborn to my own detriment and to the detriment of others.  My self-will won’t let me easily erase lines I’ve drawn in the sand, or opinions I’ve formed and that I use to judge other people.

The leap from wanting and needing to drink to wanting and needing sobriety was a huge and profound change for me.  The other changes are not so profound nor are they as long-lasting or as complete as that change was.  I think that each time I knowingly act on my character defects, my self-will is, if not running riot, at least disturbing the peace quite a bit.

My First Fourth and Fifth Steps (my story continued)

To reiterate:  I know that I am beyond lucky to have made it this far.  When there are parts of the program of AA that I have worked imperfectly or incompletely, I record that with a knowledge that I’m just lucky I made it at all.  Every day people die from this, they really do.  I would never suggest that anyone skip or skimp on anything.

To recap:  I had gone to my first AA meeting just before my 17th birthday.  I had gotten sober finally just before my 22nd birthday.  I quickly got married, had two children and moved very far away from my  home and family.  I moved several times, and I kept attending meetings wherever I moved.  When I was 26 and 27 years old, during the time I was pregnant with my second child and after he was born, my ex lost his job and hopes of being able to move back home were slim.  I developed a fear of flying over the years as well as a fear of my house flooding and a fear of death.  None of these crippled me, but they sure did make life difficult.

What comes next is a very important part of my story, and a key to my success.  All those outside factors (where I lived, my ex’s lack of job, having a toddler and a baby) amounted to severe psychological pressure for me.  What I decided to do in response it to work the program.  I am so very grateful and glad that’s what I did.

I had attended meetings for ten years at that time, and I had been sober for four years.  I hadn’t done a fourth or fifth step.

I backed up, and I took time to really read and think about Steps One, Two and Three.  Having been around the program and relapsing for so long, switching sponsors, moving and whatnot, no one had been overseeing my steps and I just hadn’t done them.  Today I know that nothing but luck kept me sober.  I would never recommend anyone do it the way I did.

So I read and thought about the first three steps, and thought about it until I could say a whole-hearted yes to them.  Then I set about doing a formal fourth step.  Next time I write about my story, I need to record what happened with my religion during that time.

Third Step Prayer

I spun the random prayer wheel and landed on this:

God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

alcoholics anonymous – big book – third step prayer – 1939

http://www.worldprayers.org/

Last night, I went to a meeting I had not been to before (though Carole says I have, I think she’s wrong). When the chairperson asked for a topic, a woman said she’d like to hear about the third step, not at the beginning of sobriety, but how it evolves for people over time. Today I spun the wheel and came up with the third step prayer. Last night someone articulated my thoughts about not always wanting to hear about early sobriety.  My As Bill Sees It is turned to a page that says the steps and traditions will likely stay the same, but we can always learn to apply them more and in a better manner to our lives as we go along in the program.

I did not do a formal third step in the sense that some people seem to. If I manage to get through the steps and start back up top I will sometime, a long time from now, attempt a formal version. Key elements of it for me today are the fact that it asks for a decision, not flawlessness in carrying it out. It also explains that by joining AA and not drinking I have made a huge stride in the right direction. My will had me endlessly seeking the perfect high. God’s will is that I stay sober and do the hard work that entails.

I have never set to learning this prayer, but the events of last night and today show me that I ought to do so. It tells me that when I’m wrapped up in myself, I can’t do God’s will. It even seems a bit selfish to me right here right now to ask for victory over my difficulties so that I can bear witness to others about the glory of God. Like anything in AA, though, I have no doubt that if I keep working at it, I will one day see the wisdom and unselfishness of that request.

So the essence I find today is that I am to be an instrument of God, inasmuch as that is possible. I decided to do this, and for many reasons, I have to remind myself and decide anew often. When I have difficulties, I should view them from the place of seeking to do service to others.