All posts tagged step six

July 13, 2010 (this day)

Today was a work day and not too much of interest happened there.  I took the last of my antibiotic last night, now I’m waiting to get sick again.  I ended up having a CT scan to see why I can’t get rid of this sinus infection, and nothing showed up on the scan.  The doctor said to go to an ENT but I’m going to wait and see.  I know that if I go, they’ll find something wrong with me.  Who knows, I may actually be well.

I didn’t do much for my sobriety today beyond living it.  My home page on my computer is the Daily Word, so I’ve read that a few times.  I’m writing this, and I’m going to look at my character defects page.  I got a nice comment on it today, about it making someone’s Step Six easier.  I don’t claim to be any kind of authority, but when I researched a little, I found words and language I understood better than or in addition to what’s in the books.  My understanding of the whole concept of character defects grows and changes.  I find it an honor to share my understanding with anyone, and I hope it does help.

1 Comment
by Lydia on July 13, 2010  •  Permalink
Posted in 12 Steps, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, Step 6, this day
Tagged ,

Posted by Lydia on July 13, 2010

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/july-13-2010-this-day/

Jealousy

retirement07-016I was searching through the pictures on my computer to find a visual representation of jealousy.  I looked through many before this one rang some sort of bell for me.  Jealousy isn’t a huge problem for me, and I can’t say I’m conscious of feeling it even once a day.  Not that I don’t feel it every day, but I don’t think about feeling it every day.  I believe it qualifies as a character defect, though, and so of course I have it and want to give it up.

I’m also thinking that I use the word jealousy to actually mean envy.  When I identify that I am jealous, what I almost always mean is that someone else has something I want, and wish I had too.  I’m not really jealous in my relationships with loved ones – and it’s not a problem for me in my marriage.

Recently, as the kids are leaving the nest, so to speak, I’ve become more jealous of people with bigger families, especially those who have adopted children.  It’s something I idealistically thought I would do.  It’s worse for me now, of course, because my kids really really don’t need me anymore.  Their lives are pretty much on their way, and they’re doing well.  Not that they don’t want me or that I don’t contribute an irreplaceable something valuable to their lives, but in the past, when they were younger, I was really needed in a different and more complete way.

This is the jealousy I feel most often.  It’s bad now also because I could actually now do it in a way I couldn’t before.  Carole and I are having a totally great timet taking over the rooms that the kids are vacating, and daily, more than daily, I think about the fact that there are children who need those rooms.  And we’re not sharing.  This may be an issue for the pastor ……

My age is a concern, but of course an old mother is better than none to many people.  I also know plenty of older people who need a home, and I come in frequent contact with the wonderful people who have given them one.  My time is a bigger concern than my age.  I feel so free, in a way, to have days and weeks where I’m not concerned about the daily existence of my kids.  I don’t want to give up my time and my freedom.  Well I do want to, but not enough to actually do it.

The other kind of jealousy I feel is symbolized in that picture.  I am jealous of the people who got to grow up where I did, and who got to stay there and raise their kids there and do OK there.  I have a picture of Erika I took at that restaurant when she was small and I hadn’t yet moved back to that place.  I really love the continuity and I love the history and I wanted the roots.

More mundanely (and probably more daily), I’m a bit jealous of people who are younger and thinner and taller (which is most everyone between the ages of 11 and 46 who isn’t terribly obese).

So I feel it from time to time, and I do all the self talk that’s obvious, and I know that I wouldn’t trade my problems for someone else’s.  I guess the thing that bothers me most about it right now is the knowledge that I could do something about this, and I’m not.  I’m not adopting a child, and I’m not peaceful about it.  Maybe it’s tied to my awareness that I do have so very much.  That’s my default for jealousy these days, counting my blessings, being grateful.  Honestly it feels a bit hollow right now.  I need to give this one more thought.

Leave a Comment
by Lydia on January 2, 2009  •  Permalink
Posted in 12 Steps, aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, children, everything else, gratitude, humility, life on life's terms, recovery, sobriety, Step 6, Step 7
Tagged , , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on January 2, 2009

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2009/01/02/jealousy/

Surviving a Spiritual Crisis in Sobriety (my story continued)

My son was born in February of 1988.  After a scare with the chicken pox, he surivived and recovered and aside from some mild colic, he was and still is as good a son as anyone could wish for.  My ex eventually became happily and gainfully employed.  I read and studied (in the 12 and 12) Steps One, Two and Three to make sure I felt them as whole-heartedly as I possibly could.  I started going back to church, which was not easy with a baby and a toddler, but I did it.  I decided to do a fourth step at four and five years sober.

I don’t remember much about what that fourth step actually said.  I worked with only the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve as guides and I just got on with it.  While all this was going on, I attended a Christmas party at my ex’s place of employment.  I saw on the company video that they would be opening offices in a city less than 150 miles from my home town.  I asked my ex to enquire about tranferring.

I asked a woman I liked to hear my fifth step.  This she did.

The company said transfer was possible, and then they offered to pay for our move of about 3000 miles.

After hearing my fifth step, my friend took the Big Book off of her own shelf.  Or maybe she had it on the table all along.  Either way, she apprised me of the part that instructs me after the fifth step to go right on along to Step Six.

Ten years later, visiting Dr. Bob’s house for the first time, although I’d worked all the steps for many years, I did not feel that I could fully say I had “taken” Step Six.  And actually, I did another fourth and fifth step in between times.  But that’s another story.

And a lot of that is why, when I started this blog last February, I started with Step Six.  I’ve been through it twice, greeting a crisis with a renewed fourth and fifth step.  And while that certainly isn’t a bad thing to do – in fact, it’s a very good thing to do – it hasn’t gotten me much farther down that road, so I’m trying it this way this time.

Leave a Comment
by Lydia on November 23, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in 12 Steps, aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, children, life on life's terms, my story, recovery, sobriety, Step 4, Step 5, Step 6
Tagged , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on November 23, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/11/23/surviving-a-spiritual-crisis-in-sobriety-my-story-continued/

Spot Check Inventory (Step 10)

When all else fails, follow directions.

I was at work yesterday, feeling pretty negative and unserene.  I quickly Googled steps 6 and 7, and I came upon a list of character defects.  I began writing about them in relation to my disturbance, and this is what I came up with:

Resentment and Anger – I resent – the people who let old boss go, both people who are still here and people who were let go, both administrators and others who conspired against her – person who has taken her place for not doing a good job – person who couldn’t support her, yet really wanted all she provided.

Fear and Cowardice – I fear leaving here, I fear losing relationship with someone I could have worked with every day.

Self Pity – I am used and abused at work. I’m here even now without partnership or leadership. I live with a negative co worker. I have to deal with the reality that my dream situation, super excellence in the program, won’t take place. I’m not respected, admired or trusted enough for the powers that be to retain old boss on my word. I’m taken advantage of and have to deal with all kinds of crap, negative things, that are not my job, because supervisor isn’t here. I have to look every day at those who ousted someone who made them do the right thing. I have to look every day at people who are not doing the right thing, and I have to accept that it’s allowed. I have to see good people who try to do the right thing suffer at the hands of others.

Self Justification – I am justified in giving up. I see my bad situation, and I know that I can still do good here. I am justified in not breaking my back for this any longer. I’m justified to feel sadness at what I’ve lost – relationship, ideals for the program, and another relationship. I’m justified in staying silent when others do wrong. I’m justified in listing what they do wrong to maybe be used one day.

I’m putting it here to stew over.  I have trouble, at times I can’t see how working with this nasty stuff will help me get through it and actually grow.  But, I believe.  I believe that if I keep at it, it will work.  My own experience and the experiences of others leads me to believe this.  It is that ability to believe and persist that has made the program work for me, for 24 years and counting.

1 Comment
by Lydia on October 16, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in 12 Steps, aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, everything else, life on life's terms, resentment, step 10, Step 7, Uncategorized
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on October 16, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/10/16/spot-check-inventory-step-10/

The Moment We Say, “No, never!” (step six continued)

The moment we say, “No, never!” our minds close against the grace of God. Delay is dangerous, and rebellion may be fatal. This is the exact point at which we abandon limited objectives, and move toward God’s will for us.

And that’s it, that’s the end of Step Six in the Twelve and Twelve.

I won’t, can’t, don’t say no never to anything AA has to offer. I have every character defect every other person has, to my own unique degrees. I have come far in dealing with the things that I did that were very wrong when I was drinking. I have given up the thought that there might be character defects I will never deal with, and will always engage in. I understand that my character defects block me from God’s grace, which is the good things in life that God would give me, if I could receive them.

As much as is humanly possible for me right now, I say that I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Leave a Comment
by Lydia on June 27, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, recovery, sobriety, Step 6
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on June 27, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/06/27/the-moment-we-say-no-never-step-six-continued/

At the Very Least (Step Six continued)

At the very least, we shall have to come to grips with some of our worst character defects and take action toward their removal as quickly as we can.

I’m a little alarmed to note that I have just one paragraph remaining in Step Six. Just a little though. I do feel that I’ve made progress and increased my understanding and increased my practice of the step.

I wrote before that I think every person has every human character defect there is, just to an individual extent. It reminds me of an expression I heard often when I first came in. “If you sober up a horse thief, all you will have is a sober horse thief.” Horse thieves! They weren’t plentiful, even back in the 70s. Along the same lines is the saying “the drunk who brought you in here will take you out.” The essence of these is that if we don’t change ourselves, we will just continue our bad behavior, or we will drink, or both.

It’s precious to me that there lies the solution to my life’s problems. Not that any are solved or leave completely, but that I will continue to grow in my ability to handle them if I work the steps. If I don’t, I will drink.

One immediate benefit I found in the program was that without drinking, for some reason, I didn’t lie. Drunk, I lied, even when the truth would have been better. So that kind of dishonestly left for me very quickly. And of course it needed to. I couldn’t have continued on, sober, if I was lying all the time.

I like the metaphor of “coming to grips with.” If I can grip them, maybe I can control them, rather than having them control me. My worst character defects are now what they were then. I think they are headed by fear, then come selfishness and selfcenteredness, sloth, anger, jealousy. I feared everything so much when I was newly sober. The support of AA has lessened that substantially.

A few months ago, at work, my boss’ boss’ boss commented to me to not be so afraid all the time. Now work is one area I feel pretty confident in, if only because by the grace of Carole I don’t need the job. And I did interact with this man around some very emotional and difficult situations. Still, I was surprised that I still give off that fear vibe so strongly that someone who doesn’t know me can read it.

I’m still taking action toward their removal, and this part of it. Again, I’d love to be further down this road at this point. Now I’m paying attention and actively trying.

1 Comment
by Lydia on June 21, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, Step 6
Tagged , , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on June 21, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/06/21/at-the-very-least-step-six-continued/

Let’s Dispose of What Appears to be a Hazardous Open End (Step Six continued)

Let’s dispose of what appears to be a hazardous open end we have left. It is suggested that we ought to become entirely willing to aim toward perfection. We note that some delay, however, might be pardoned. That word, in the mind of the rationalizing alcoholic, could certainly be given a long-term meaning. He could say, “How very easy! Sure, I’ll head toward perfection, but I’m certainly not going to hurry any. Maybe I can postpone dealing with some of my problems indefinitely.” Of course, this won’t do. Such a bluffing of oneself will have to go the way of many another pleasant rationalization.

I find it interesting that here, character defects are synonymous with problems. At any point in life, most of us could probably list our problems at any given moment. We have health problems and money problems and work problems and relationships problems, problems with our pets, our houses, our hobbies, our mind. I’m coming to understand more fully that the external details of my life, the good details and the bad details, are separate from the problems that lie within me, my character defects. Surely these act together to make me who I am at any given time. And I can change and effect some of my external details, things like where I work, where I live, and how I take care of my body. Other things are beyond my control and with these it is my attitude and outlook that I can work on changing.

I was looking back at what I had written so far this month, and I see that before I knew about my upcoming uterine biopsy I already reflected that maybe I won’t be at Disney ever again. I know it’s not important. If I go to Disney again, I’ll be different, the other people will be different, and Disney will be different. You can’t step in the same stream twice.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. My immediate reaction to this section of the sixth step is twofold. One, I wonder how much it was watered down in order to become palatable to prospective AAs. I think that some of this was written with that in mind, not scaring people away. Again, it is interesting to conjecture but I will never be able to answer this question. The book says what it says. I’m not so far away from the time that it was written that I can’t easily understand the language.

Second, I wonder that I or anyone would want to indefinitely postpone dealing with character defects, or, if you rather, problems.

I remember my reaction at first when I saw this step and thought I could not, would not ever heal that relationship, so I couldn’t work the step. The next time I approached the step in a more formal way, and with more experience and humility, understood that the character defect that lead me to have a relationship I’m unwilling to heal is, to quote Dr. Seuss, “big and deep and tall.”

For me, the hazardous open end closed over time, really as a result of my better understanding. My opinion only, but I don’t think a person will make it over the long time wanting to postpone dealing with these indefinitely.

Leave a Comment
by Lydia on June 14, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, Step 6
Tagged , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on June 14, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/06/14/lets-dispose-of-what-appears-to-be-a-hazardous-open-end-step-six-continued/

Looking Again at Those Defects (Step Six continued)

Looking again at those defects we are still unwilling to give up, we ought to erase the hard-and-fast lines that we have drawn. Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, “This I cannot give up yet . . . ,” but we should not say to ourselves, “This I will never give up!”

A long time ago, I thought of this in terms of someone I was unwilling to talk to. There’s a relationship I was pretty sure I would never be willing to mend, so I thought I would never, ever, be able to do the sixth step. More recently, I heard a newcomer voice this very thing. This person said he is unwilling and unable to forgive two family members. He expressed that he actually hates these people. And so, he concluded he therefore couldn’t do any of the steps.

What is the defect at play here? I honestly don’t know. I see pride, obstinance*, and a severe lack of love and grace. In other places in the literature, I know we are said to sometimes defy God, and to be defiant. We are resistant, and we resist what is given to us, and what we know to be best. These are the common characteristics of children, adolescents and teenagers.

I gave up “no, never,” a long time ago. There are few things I’d even be tempted to use those words about regarding myself and what I’m willing and able to do. The way this concept resonates for me at this point is to substitute and say, “Looking again at those defects we are still struggling with after years of effort . . . In some cases we will say, “This I haven’t conquered yet.”

I understand that it is life long, and that I will never reach the ideal. I understand that I have to be willing to continue to really try. I understand that if I lose my willingness over any appreciable amount of time, I will regress, and worse. I understand that my rewards are proportionate to the effort I put forth. I understand that the rewards are beyond what I can imagine I would want for my life.

I’ve reached these conclusions by the evidence I see in my own life, and in the lives of others.  When I was able to stop drinking, I understood that it was abstinence or death.  When the urge to drink was mostly out of the way, I understood that it was grow by working the program, or be miserable.  I will look again at those defects that I still struggle with, and I will attack and examine them with renewed effort.

*The browser spell check did not like the word obstinance, so I went to an online dictionary to see if it is a word and if I’d spelled it properly. The ads that were generated for that dictionary page asked, “Defiant? Poor grades? Defiant child?” To that I say yes, no, and yes.

2 Comments
by Lydia on June 9, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in character defects, Step 6
Tagged , , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on June 9, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/06/09/looking-again-at-those-defects-step-six-continued/

If We Would Gain Any Real Advantage (Step Six continued)

If we would gain any real advantage in the use of this Step on problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness. We shall need to raise our eyes toward perfection, and be ready to walk in that direction. It will seldom matter how haltingly we walk. The only question will be “Are we ready?”

I hope I’m taking a new venture into open-mindedness. I was actually just contemplating the time it takes me to do this, this being working on my program at a new level. The work I’m doing involves writing here, which I really enjoy. Always a good thing when you enjoy your work. I’ve been going to more meetings. More for me is usually two, sometimes three a week. I’ve made an effort to speak up at the meetings. I would say that most of time, in the past, I’ve passed my turn. I made copies of the CD of oldtimer stories and I’ve given one to two people, asking them if they would be interested in starting and oldtimer’s meeting.

Why do the work? It is often boring, time consuming and hard. I absolutely don’t want my life to be centered on something negative and have lots of my time dedicated to hard work. Maybe oldtimers often feel this way. When people are new, they have to work hard at it in order to get it. Now that it’s been gotten, it has become more a natural part of my life rather than something to work hard at.

It’s the real advantage cited in the step that I’m after. I know that any work I put into AA has always been worth it. Still, at the bottom of it, I am that person who needs to work it or die. And even if I could not work it and live, I desire more of the benefits of program, and I have to work to get the results.

A new idea that’s come into my newly opened mind is to consider my difficulties in the light of desires and instincts with oppose the grace of God. For a long time I’ve understood the concept of having the ideal and aiming for the ideal. I’ve also understood the 12 Steps to be a road map to the ideal. I’ve been thinking about this and writing about this for a few months, but I have yet to really apply it in the moment when I’m distressed. So it’s all in retrospect, and there’s not even a lot of that.

Am I ready? I believe that I am, mostly.

Leave a Comment
by Lydia on May 26, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, Step 6
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on May 26, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/05/26/if-we-would-gain-any-real-advantage-step-six-continued/

Many Will at Once Ask (Step Six continued)

Many will at once ask, “How can we accept the entire implication of Step Six? Why–that is perfection!” This sounds like a hard question, but practically speaking, it isn’t. Only Step One, where we made 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection. The remaining eleven Steps state perfect ideals. They are goals toward which we look, and the measuring sticks by which we estimate our progress. Seen in this light, Step Six is still difficult, but not at all impossible. The only urgent thing is that we make a beginning, and keep trying.

One of the things I’ve been able to appreciate and articulate for years is the fact that I see the Twelve Steps as a plan. A map. Guidelines. They state ideals to me, meaning they tell me what I’m aiming to get closer and closer to all the time. They tell me I won’t ever make it all the way there. That’s not my objective and it’s useless to aim for that. Really, most of the time I make a 100 percent admission that I am powerless over alcohol, especially at this late day in my sobriety. But there have been times through the years when my admission was less than 100 percent. Luckily, thankfully, I’ve been able to hold on and get through those times without picking up.

I luck out in another way. It states that it’s urgent that we make a beginning and keep trying. I did not do this in the past. I didn’t do a complete and formal fourth step until I had five years sober. After that fifth step, I declared myself to be on Step Six until ……… I don’t even know until when. My wife and I took a trip to Akron to see the old AA landmarks, and I asked her to take my picture on the sixth step of Dr. Bob’s house, because that’s where I live, on the sixth step. That had to be approximately ten years after my first fifth step, and several years after my second fifth step. And I didn’t spend all those intervening years trying constantly either. And once again, I have to say this is not a good example to follow. I’m lucky that I lasted long enough to come around to this.

So now I’m wondering about this. Is all this thinking and writing that I’ve been doing on the sixth step enough to call it a go this time? Am I done, for now? Have I made progress?

I’ve gained some new insights over these months of considering the sixth step. I understand that I have every human character defect to some degree, that we all do. I understand that I have to consider mine daily. I understand that when something is disturbing me greatly, my character defects are the reason for my disturbance.

I’m wondering if and how knowing these things and accepting these things and examining these things makes possible a lessening of my defects.

I never quite thought of this in terms of instincts and desires that oppose the grace of God. My instincts and desires are human and fine in their own way. It’s the excess that brings pain, and it usually is demanding more than my fair share of something. One of the meditation books I read had as today’s thought something having to do with this – I have everything I need. And today, I truly do.

Leave a Comment
by Lydia on May 21, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in aa, alcoholics anonymous, character defects, Step 6
Tagged , , , , , , ,

Posted by Lydia on May 21, 2008

http://lydiacharlotte.wordpress.com/2008/05/21/many-will-at-once-ask-step-six-continued/

« Older Posts

  • My Experience With

  • Praying Today For

    Butch

  • Phillips Brooks

    O holy Child of Bethlehem,
    descend to us, we pray;
    Cast out our sin, and enter in,
    be born in us today.

  • Thanks for sharing!

    Howard S on Attraction Rather Than Pr…
    Lydia on Pride in Reverse
    J.P. Johnson on Pride in Reverse
    markd60 on May 5, 2013 (this day)
    Ken Krauss (@birdhau… on May 5, 2013 (this day)

  • Currently reading

    The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James

    The Common Sense of Drinking by Richard Peabody

    The Holy Bible

  • Entirely Ready to have this Removed:

    anxiety – A general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change. Failing to live in the now.

  • Words to Live By

    Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
    And give us not to think so far away
    As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
    All simply in the springing of the year. ~ Robert Frost

  • Categories

  • We Will Not Regret The Past Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It (Archives)

  • Categories

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 115 other followers