Then, In Step Seven (Step Twelve continued)

Then, in Step Seven, we humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings such as He could or would under the conditions of the day we asked.

I don’t think I remember ever thinking about the conditions of the day we asked.

I’m slightly baffled.  I was listening to the Big Book and something in “To the Wives” made me think about some people we know who are struggling with chronic relapse over the course of many years.  Something in there said something like, “Either God has removed [your husband's] obsession to drink, or God has not.”

With the obsession to drink, the only sense I can make of why some people have the desire removed and some don’t is that some are open to having it removed, as evidenced by, among other things, lengths they will go to in working the program, and some aren’t open to, and can’t achieve it.

For the other myriad character defects, I do wonder why we have to struggle, knowing we’ll never reach the place where we will have them completely removed.  That probably seems a bit like asking why are humans human?

I have no idea what the conditions of the day refers to.  Maybe because I never thought about it before.

More is constantly being revealed.

Jealousy

I was searching through the pictures on my computer to find a visual representation of jealousy.  I looked through many before this one rang some sort of bell for me.  Jealousy isn’t a huge problem for me, and I can’t say I’m conscious of feeling it even once a day.  Not that I don’t feel it every day, but I don’t think about feeling it every day.  I believe it qualifies as a character defect, though, and so of course I have it and want to give it up.

I’m also thinking that I use the word jealousy to actually mean envy.  When I identify that I am jealous, what I almost always mean is that someone else has something I want, and wish I had too.  I’m not really jealous in my relationships with loved ones – and it’s not a problem for me in my marriage.

Recently, as the kids are leaving the nest, so to speak, I’ve become more jealous of people with bigger families, especially those who have adopted children.  It’s something I idealistically thought I would do.  It’s worse for me now, of course, because my kids really really don’t need me anymore.  Their lives are pretty much on their way, and they’re doing well.  Not that they don’t want me or that I don’t contribute an irreplaceable something valuable to their lives, but in the past, when they were younger, I was really needed in a different and more complete way.

This is the jealousy I feel most often.  It’s bad now also because I could actually now do it in a way I couldn’t before.  Carole and I are having a totally great timet taking over the rooms that the kids are vacating, and daily, more than daily, I think about the fact that there are children who need those rooms.  And we’re not sharing.  This may be an issue for the pastor ……

My age is a concern, but of course an old mother is better than none to many people.  I also know plenty of older people who need a home, and I come in frequent contact with the wonderful people who have given them one.  My time is a bigger concern than my age.  I feel so free, in a way, to have days and weeks where I’m not concerned about the daily existence of my kids.  I don’t want to give up my time and my freedom.  Well I do want to, but not enough to actually do it.

The other kind of jealousy I feel is symbolized in that picture.  I am jealous of the people who got to grow up where I did, and who got to stay there and raise their kids there and do OK there.  I have a picture of Erika I took at that restaurant when she was small and I hadn’t yet moved back to that place.  I really love the continuity and I love the history and I wanted the roots.

More mundanely (and probably more daily), I’m a bit jealous of people who are younger and thinner and taller (which is most everyone between the ages of 11 and 46 who isn’t terribly obese).

So I feel it from time to time, and I do all the self talk that’s obvious, and I know that I wouldn’t trade my problems for someone else’s.  I guess the thing that bothers me most about it right now is the knowledge that I could do something about this, and I’m not.  I’m not adopting a child, and I’m not peaceful about it.  Maybe it’s tied to my awareness that I do have so very much.  That’s my default for jealousy these days, counting my blessings, being grateful.  Honestly it feels a bit hollow right now.  I need to give this one more thought.

November 21, 2008 (fear and worry)

I did something wrong at work back in September, and today I got called on it.  Except that the person calling me gave me the benefit of the doubt, which I don’t deserve.  I didn’t do this thing maliciously, more negligently, but I did it.  My fear is that more will show up on the next quarterly report.  I don’t know what constitutes a quarter, but it’s possible I did it in October or November.  Of course I won’t be doing it again.

I got that call in the middle of the day, and it’s difficult for me to think of anything else.  I’ve mulled over sixteen different scenerios, both good and bad, and once in a while I get that shot of panic that feels so awful.  Again, the job is threatened, and again, I realize that I love it.

Other lessons abound.  The people there who I dislike and resent didn’t do this thing that I did.  Really, anyone can get fired at any time for anything.  It seems to happen fairly frequently.  So this is just a detail.  They’ll keep me if they want to, or decide my crime is too serious and not keep me.  Either way there is nothing I can do about it.  And either way, all I can do is try to appreciate each day as much as I can.

Being in trouble at work (and this is sort of worse than being in trouble, because so far they are being so nice to me and I don’t deserve it) is one of the most difficult things for me to deal with.  I’ve always felt this way, and I can recall and recount every time it’s happened.  Happily, it’s only happened a few times.  I read the Daily Word, and years ago it had a meditation that is one of my favorites.  It’s in my desk at work (along with half my life – I’d need a U Haul to leave), but the gist of it is that I may have done or said something that I regret.  I may not have taken the best road, but I have learned something valuable from it (and boy, have I).  I release the past and live in the now.  I rotate other meditations  weekly on my bulletin board and try to read them every day.  This week’s said that we and others make mistakes, but that only a fool would continue in the mistake.  It said not to stir yesterday’s trouble into every new thing.

Earlier this evening I was looking at this blog.  I clicked on one of the posts that is listed on the sidebar as being popular today, I read this.  The seventh step quote says, Our eyes begin to open to the immense values which have come straight out of painful ego-puncturing. And I wrote “I do see the point about ego-puncturing.  I would very much welcome this at this point, knowing that it can bring relief and better days.”

What the hell was I thinking?  I can’t imagine.  I’d love to remember and get that feeling back!

I went to a meeting and now I’m writing this.  I don’t like to go to bed when I’m worried, because I’ll usually lay and worry more.

I remember a meeting I went to a long time ago.  The topic was fear and worry, and it was snowing heavily outside.  I realized then and I said then that my worry and fear about driving home in the snow would not melt one flake.  All it would do is make me miss some of the meeting because my mind was elsewhere, and maybe make me drive badly because of my fear.  That was a long time ago, and here I still am, worried and frightened about the things I cannot change.  And still thinking that I even know what I should worry about or what might go wrong, when experience has shown me over and over that I do not.

Step Seven – Finished for Now

I’ve been trying to avoid this, avoid coming back to the seventh step to say ……. what?

I set out last Sunday to identify my character defects and how they present themselves in my day to day life.  Monday morning I was filled with resentment, tons before ten in the morning.  That gave me pause, and I approached the next few days from the gratitude side of the equation.  And then I think I fizzled out.

Monday, at work, one of the people who I consider to be on the wrong side of things that fall into right and wrong got transferred, I think against his will.  It gives me a little stab of happiness when things like this happen, and I do know that it’s very very wrong of me to feel that way.

At my home group last night, the woman who spoke chose something about self esteem and work as her topic.  She’s having difficulty at work and is going to have to shadow her supervisor to learn what to do better.  She said how this is obviously injurious to her self esteem.  She asked how we (those at the meeting) relate self esteem and the job.

Perfect!  I wouldn’t have thought of it that way.

I listened, and when it came to me, my mind was all over the place.  I said one way that I maintain self esteem at work is by being overly competent.  After the meeting, some of the people I went out with said they heard that as over achieving.  But that’s not what I said.  I said over competent, meaning I’ve learned and overlearned just about all that is there.  That is not necessarily a reason to move on.  Working, as I do, with people with disabilities, there is always something else to learn and there is always plenty to do.  I’m not bored with it, and I still do love it.  I have no desire to leave it.

I also said how, at work, I went from doing everything, to doing nothing.  Neither is the right way to be, but one of my problems with my current work situation is that I haven’t yet figured out what the right amount would for me to reasonably do.

So I’m still in a quandry, but I don’t want to use this as an excuse to not keeping moving forward with the steps.

Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.  I have lately been able to recognize character defects in play, and to ask God for help or to remove them.  The woman last night said that she sees that her character defects get in the way of her usefulness.  I have to remember that.  I’m ashamed to acknowledge that so often my motivation is my pain and my happiness.  It does, after all, say that self centeredness is the defect from which all others spring.

Would You Like Some Cream or Sugar with Your Resentment? (Step Seven)

I set out to begin one week of looking hard at my character defects and how they present themselves in my real life.  This in preparation to say I have “taken” the seventh step again at this time, and am ready to move on to Step Eight.  Which is a whole other can of worms.

I had in mind to use a little memo book that I have in my desk at work.  I had bought a pack of these, years ago, initially to keep a record of staff behavior, mostly wrong-doing.  I needed to do that, being in a supervisory position.  I did that only briefly, and I’ve used the books for other things.  Most painful to me now is the one I labeled “list” and used to record things I needed to talk about with my supervisor, the one who was forced to leave.

But lately I’ve been using one to write down what I eat each day, and one to record the days present of someone I work with.  So I had in mind to get another of these this morning, and to record character defects, and to see what I come up with.

I have said and written that I haven’t been a particularly resentful person.  Resentment as the number one offender hasn’t resonated with me over the years.  I find fear and sadness to be bigger offenders for me.  Or so I thought.

I got to work around 7:30 in the morning, and got out one of those books.  I remembered back to the 90 minutes since I had gotten out of bed this morning.

Between 6 and 7 this morning, I was resentful toward (1) Carole for the sleeping arrangements of last night.  It’s a long story, but I often feel that she disrupts and disturbs my sleep, which I don’t get much of to begin with.  I have what I think is a solution, and she doesn’t follow it.  (2) The “McCain Victory Headquarters” I pass on my way to work.  (3)  A co-worker who indicated on the master schedule where she would be today.  (4) Carole for what she wants to do on election night.

Between 6 and 7 I also felt fear about walking the dog, and sadness about losing old boss.

Between 7 and 8 I felt resentment about (1) workers who were trying to arrange things to their own advantage, and a supervisor who had no idea what was going on, when he should have known (2) two co-workers who helped bring down old boss and now have a cozy (sarcastic) chat every single morning, no doubt (to my mind) comparing notes and making sure things go their way (3) co-worker who, though I love her, is very negative and complaining and didn’t support old boss, though now she wishes everything was the way old boss had attempted to make it (4) another agency who is screwing up the transfer of clients, making more work for me.

Between 8 and 9 I was resentful toward (1) co-worker and supervisor arranging things to their own advantage and (2) co-worker with an attitude and a half and I was sad, again, over how things have transpired.

At 9 I was resentful toward old boss’s old boss, who really screwed things up royally.  At 9 I decided this list was long enough, way too long, and I looked up the word resentment.  I can’t find my source again, but it said something like, “Anger or bitterness felt repeatedly as a result of real or imagined wrong done.”

I should also note that between all those resentful, fearful, sad feelings there was lots of good stuff.  And at 10 am, I had a meeting that lasted over an hour and really went well.  And I went on with the day after that not consumed by bad feelings of one type or another.

But I really have shocked myself.  Writing all that down amazes me, and not in a good way.  I did not used to be like this.  It has been more than a year and a half since the badness went down at work, and it makes me ill to see that I let it still have this much of my day.  I’m going to leave this for now.  I always have a nagging feeling like I’m being a terrible example to others.  That people will not want to achieve and maintain sobriety if I can be this messed up this far down the road.  It’s not like that though.  Within all this is a life that I love and a day that was worth it.  I’m going to keep going.

Humbly Asked Him to Remove Our Shortcomings (Step Seven Finished)

I’m going to concentrate on this several times a day for the next seven days, and next Sunday, I will draw conclusions and move on.  I’m going to try and be aware of my shortcomings all week.  I’ll make a list.

The Seventh Step Is Where We Make the Change (Step Seven continued)

The Seventh Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward God.  The whole emphasis of Step Seven is on humility.  It is really saying to us that we now ought to be willing to try humility in seeking the removal of our other shortcomings just as we did when we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, and came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  If that degree of humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope of the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have.

There is hope, but not much.  Why don’t other things yield to the steps with way the obsession to drink did?

Quitting drinking, hard as it was (and it was often so hard it was impossible), was easier than quitting smoking.  Drinking had huge dire consequences, often.  For me and for lots of people I know, it had to be that way.  If it seemed to work at all, and even if it didn’t, I couldn’t give up until smashed upon the bottom.

Cigarettes weren’t like that.  The consequences were way way down the road.  So very difficult to quit.

So I know that in my disturbances, I am the disturbed element.  It is my lack of acceptance, then my character defects that make me angry, sad, hopeless, discouraged.  If I could achieve perfect humility, I would not be disturbed.  If I could achieve more humility, I would be less distrubed.

And I realize that this all reads back as “what’s in it for me?”

Contemplating this step at this time of year is interesting.  I often have black, bad thoughts about people who from with me politically. I may find someone to be a dandy person, all until elections draw near.  Then, if they are on the other side, they are either bad, or stupid.  Or both.

Be willing to try humility in seeking the removal of our other shortcomings.  Be humble, not afraid.  Be humble, not angry.  Be humble, not self-righteous.  Be humble, not lazy.  Be humble.  If I can be humble, my character defects will be minimzed.

A while ago, a friend in the program said something slightly nasty to me.  I don’t honestly remember what.  But anyway she apologized, and said that was the old her coming through.  I remember telling her that you have a “good” and a “bad” side (not that simplistically), and that if you don’t give the bad side attention, food, sunlight, it will grow weak and maybe die.  The characteristics, traits and habits that you feed grow strong.  Maybe by cultivating love, patience, acceptance, happiness, serenity, the other side will grow weak and maybe die.

The Chief Activator of Our Defects (Step Seven continued)

The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear — primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.  The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone.

The difference between a demand and a request.  I turn once again to my admission of my very blessed state.  I know I have no right to demand anything, or even to request it.  Should it all go awful for me at this moment, I’ve still had way more than my share, regarding the human condition.

So, self-centered fear.  Honestly this isn’t resonating for me big time at this moment.  I do fear loss, but it doesn’t ruin my day.  My demand (at work) that I have an impossibly wonderful situation, yes, I can see how that has balled me up.

As We Approach the Actual Taking of Step Seven (Step Seven continued)

As we approach the actual taking of Step Seven, it might be well if we A.A.’s inquire once more just what our deeper objectives are.  Each of us would like to live at peace with himself and his fellows.  We would like to be asssured that the grace of God can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.  We have seen that character defects based upon shortsighted or unworthy desires are obstacles that block our path toward these objectives.  We now clearly see that we have been making unreasonable demands upon ourselves, upon others, and upon God.

I went to a meeting last night, and I noticed that they had their “Think Think Think” sign upside down.  I’m always happy to see that.  It’s the way I was “brought up.”  I also noticed they had a sign up that says “But for the Grace of God.”  It’s a common AA sign and concept.  I’l have to write about it at length some other time.  I’m on the lookout for these things, because it surprises me how many people read my AA Discussion Meeting Topics page.  I’m on a mission to include was many as I can.

In looking at the above paragraph from Step Seven, I tried to boil it down in my understanding.  Asking ‘what are my deeper objectives?’ is a really good idea.  I do so appreciate Bill W’s writing.  I want to live at peace with myself and at peace with everyone else.  I want to be open to God’s grace (which is the way I interpret that, that I can be open to it or closed to it, since it always exists).  My character defects prevent these things.  They prevent me from being at peace with myself, they prevent me from being at peace with others, and they prevent me from being open to God’s grace.

They, my character defects, are, to some degree, the same character defects that every person has.  I have more of some and less of others, but I don’t believe there is some mystery combination within me that separates me from the rest or even most of humanity.  They are based on shortsighted or unworthy desires.  I desire too much security, material things, and positive sensory experiences (like moose tracks ice cream).

Unreasonable demands I make on myself.  I think I’m not demanding enough of myself.  Maybe that’s where the unreasonableness comes from.  I don’t know what I can reasonably expect from myself, but I know it’s more than I do now.  There may be something here I’m not getting.

Unreasonable demands I make on others.  It feels to me again as if I’m missing something.  This is probably part of the root of every problem I have with other people.

Unreasonable demands I make on God.  I mostly think that the world is in motion, and God does not bother with the details.  But I’m not sure.

I’m going to continue with the step, and I hope I can keep these concepts in the front of my mind as I face challenges, and that is will become clearer to me.

We Saw We Needn’t Always be Bludgeoned (Step Seven continued)

We saw we needn’t always be bludgeoned and beaten into humility.  It could come quite as much from our voluntary reaching for it as it could from unremitting suffering.  A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted, rather than as something we must have.  It marked the time when we could commence to see the full implication of Step Seven:  “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

At first I read this paragraph with a bit of alarm.  First of all, it ends a page, page 75 in the 12 and 12.  I was a bit put off by the thought that this could be the end of Step Seven, for two reasons.  One, I don’t feel as if I’ve finished it!  Two, eight follows seven, now, doesn’t it?  Not quite ready to go there just yet …….

But there’s another page, so I’ll carry bravely on.  This paragraph makes a point I’ve pondered in writing and in my mind many times.  In theory I can easily agree and see it and say, “Yes, I want humility just because it is an awesome thing to have!”  It wouldn’t be just because of emotional pain after pain after pain.  Certainly not.  I even started to let my mind go down the road that says I should be farther along than this by now.  Just like my friend who is coming up on her first year feels.  Just like I felt when I drank time after time after time.

But OK, at least I understand the theory these days, and I can really say YES to it in that I do want it, really, it isn’t something I just must have.  And my unremitting suffering these days is in an entirely different league than it was when I was drinking.  Then, just about all was lost, and I couldn’t function enough to take care of myself and get through life.  Now, I have emotional upsets, brought to me by the many blessings in my life in the form of my job and my family and my friends.  I see and I understand at a very high level that humility is a good thing to have.  And I can do things like read books in order to increase my understanding.

So yes, I have turned that point.  At least part of the way.  It also seems to me that it’s very important that I understand that here lies some of the answer to my present difficulties.  And if I think about it (which I may), I might be able to see times and ways when I have gained humility without being bludgeoned and beaten.  AND, I do love the language of the 12 and 12!