Looking at Step Five (Step Twelve continued)

Looking at Step Five, we decided that an inventory, taken alone, wouldn’t be enough.  We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.

I don’t have tons to say about this right now.  I’ve done two formal fifth steps, and if I live long enough I’m sure I’ll do another.  My usual method of redoing the steps began with step one and made it through a fifth step then sort of petered out.  When I began doing this is February, 2008 (!) I intended to go through the steps beginning with six, continuing through twelve and around again to one through five.  It’s taking me quite some time but that’s still my intent.

I’m glad I’m doing it this way, because I’ve paid way more attention to all the steps I’ve written about thus far than I ever did in all my years before.

So looking back at my previous fifth steps, I’m sure they were incomplete.  Not only has more been revealed but I’ve probably actually developed new and worse character defects as time has passed.  I understand the concept that all my wrong-doing since my fifth step should be taken care of by the tenth step.  But not everything falls into the category of “promptly admitting” my wrongs.

An example that comes quickly to mind is my gluttony, manifest in overeating and so being overweight.  I don’t think the idea is to admit every time I over eat that I’m over eating, though I admit it often enough.

I’m afraid that I’ve mentally brought myself back to my favorite, imperfect sixth step, the step that I couldn’t let go of for literally years.  I have obviously not ever been entirely ready to have God remove this defect of character.  The scale would say I’ve actually become less ready.

And so . . .

Stuck on the Sixth Step (my story continued)

There’s not much else I can think of to say about the part of my story when I moved back to my hometown until I moved away.  The kids got older, and program wise I began to leave them alone once in a while to go to a meeting.  This was in the days before cellphones.  We were in a safe place, with the landlord next door and their grandparents minutes away by regular phone.

A sort of funny story about that.  One night I went to a meeting, leaving the kids unattended for a little over an hour.  They were probably 9 and 11 and good, responsible kids.  When I came home I saw every light on in the house and yard.  Inside, all was well.  What was going on?

My daughter had tried to open Crazy Glue with her teeth, and she’d gotten a little on her mouth.  Being a responsible child, she read the package, which said to seek medical attention.  Instead, she called my mother, who was playing bridge and so not home.  So she called my in-laws, who came over and checked her out, found her to be OK and left.  After turning on every light inside and out, I guess.

I cringe a bit remembering this.  My mother and in-laws babysat for me all the time, and would have then.  I remember looking forward to the time when I could leave them to go to a meeting.  Really, that time passed so very very quickly, I didn’t need to rush it.

Also during this time, I did not forget the steps.  I had done a fifth step just before I moved from far far away, and the person I told it to “took the book off the shelf,” and on I was to go to Step Six.  I looked at it then, and didn’t feel “entirely ready.”  For one thing, I wasn’t about to speak to a family member I hadn’t spoken to since I was about nine years old.

Now, several years later, I still hadn’t really “done” the sixth step.  I asked some people about it, and I found that I wasn’t the only person to have years sober and incomplete steps.  It’s the wrong way and I’m lucky I made it through and no relapsed.  I could have taken that as permission to forget all about it, but I didn’t want to.  By that time, I had been going to meetings for over 15 years, and sober for about 10.  I was sold, I think, and I wanted all AA had to offer, and I didn’t want to risk my sobriety by not thoroughly following the path.

All along, I had been doing all the steps all the time, to the best of my ability.  I took them seriously and really worked them and worked at them.  But I hadn’t formally done them after five.  So I did actually “make a list,” and I had previously apologized to everyone I should have about my drunken behavior.  There was my mother, of course, and also relatives on my father’s side of the family.  I had done something to them, and I didn’t know what.

This could actually be an interesting story (to me).  When my father’s father died, I have vague memories of acting up on the phone to my aunt.  Just regular awful drunken stupidity, but I was very embarrassed and sorry.  Years later, because it always bothered me and because I was working the program, I called another aunt and I apologized.  I think because the first aunt had died, but I’m not positive.  Anyway I said something like, “I just want to tell you that I’m so sorry for my behavior.”  To which she said, “Oh, that’s OK.  Your cousins were pretty upset.  I was a heck of a thing to say at a shower …… that’s why they didn’t come to your wedding.”  Something like that.

So.  They were angry at me for something entirely different!  Something I did in sobriety, since there were no showers before I got sober.  Something I didn’t remember, that made no impression on me, that I’m sure meant no harm.

So I had looked over these issues in terms of the steps, even though I still considered myself to be on the sixth step, still.

The Moment We Say, “No, never!” (step six continued)

The moment we say, “No, never!” our minds close against the grace of God. Delay is dangerous, and rebellion may be fatal. This is the exact point at which we abandon limited objectives, and move toward God’s will for us.

And that’s it, that’s the end of Step Six in the Twelve and Twelve.

I won’t, can’t, don’t say no never to anything AA has to offer. I have every character defect every other person has, to my own unique degrees. I have come far in dealing with the things that I did that were very wrong when I was drinking. I have given up the thought that there might be character defects I will never deal with, and will always engage in. I understand that my character defects block me from God’s grace, which is the good things in life that God would give me, if I could receive them.

As much as is humanly possible for me right now, I say that I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Many Will at Once Ask (Step Six continued)

Many will at once ask, “How can we accept the entire implication of Step Six? Why–that is perfection!” This sounds like a hard question, but practically speaking, it isn’t. Only Step One, where we made 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection. The remaining eleven Steps state perfect ideals. They are goals toward which we look, and the measuring sticks by which we estimate our progress. Seen in this light, Step Six is still difficult, but not at all impossible. The only urgent thing is that we make a beginning, and keep trying.

One of the things I’ve been able to appreciate and articulate for years is the fact that I see the Twelve Steps as a plan. A map. Guidelines. They state ideals to me, meaning they tell me what I’m aiming to get closer and closer to all the time. They tell me I won’t ever make it all the way there. That’s not my objective and it’s useless to aim for that. Really, most of the time I make a 100 percent admission that I am powerless over alcohol, especially at this late day in my sobriety. But there have been times through the years when my admission was less than 100 percent. Luckily, thankfully, I’ve been able to hold on and get through those times without picking up.

I luck out in another way. It states that it’s urgent that we make a beginning and keep trying. I did not do this in the past. I didn’t do a complete and formal fourth step until I had five years sober. After that fifth step, I declared myself to be on Step Six until ……… I don’t even know until when. My wife and I took a trip to Akron to see the old AA landmarks, and I asked her to take my picture on the sixth step of Dr. Bob’s house, because that’s where I live, on the sixth step. That had to be approximately ten years after my first fifth step, and several years after my second fifth step. And I didn’t spend all those intervening years trying constantly either. And once again, I have to say this is not a good example to follow. I’m lucky that I lasted long enough to come around to this.

So now I’m wondering about this. Is all this thinking and writing that I’ve been doing on the sixth step enough to call it a go this time? Am I done, for now? Have I made progress?

I’ve gained some new insights over these months of considering the sixth step. I understand that I have every human character defect to some degree, that we all do. I understand that I have to consider mine daily. I understand that when something is disturbing me greatly, my character defects are the reason for my disturbance.

I’m wondering if and how knowing these things and accepting these things and examining these things makes possible a lessening of my defects.

I never quite thought of this in terms of instincts and desires that oppose the grace of God. My instincts and desires are human and fine in their own way. It’s the excess that brings pain, and it usually is demanding more than my fair share of something. One of the meditation books I read had as today’s thought something having to do with this – I have everything I need. And today, I truly do.

Consider, too, our talents for procrastination (step six continued)

Consider, too, our talents for procrastination, which is really sloth in five syllables.

Oh this is me this is me this is me this is me! I have tortured myself with procrastination!

I see two sides to this. I know people who seem obsessive about getting things done that must be done, and they do it at the earliest possible second, obsessively. They can seem a bit frantic to me. Just now, trying to imagine what that is like, I’m wondering if there’s a time each day when they have done all they can do – paid bills, done their work (whatever kind of homework that may entail), cleaned what was to be clean.

And writing that, I realize that the people I know fairly well who fall into this category are truly not usually on time or ahead with everything. As I was just writing, my wife asked me if I had heard back from my cousin via email. He emailed me several days ago with a political position that was disturbing to us, and I had said to her that I was going to try to gently lead him in the way (we think) he should go. So she just asked me if I’ve heard back from but actually, I haven’t replied to his email in order for me to hear back. If I replied to all my email the day I got it, or the next day, how would that work?

But well I got derailed pretty well with that! I put off what I don’t want to face. I hate the mail, I hate paying bills, I hate shopping, and I will put all of these off until past the last possible minute. In the house we lived in prior to this one, I had the dining room table FILLED with papers from the mail. Now to be fair, I was often taking care of the paper of three people – myself and my two kids. But I would put off touching the stuff until a few times a year we needed the table, then I’d see that I hadn’t needed this or that paper in all that time. I should say I’m not ever late paying bills, I wouldn’t do that. But I’m actually years late in contacting my prepaid legal lawyer to see what’s become of my inheritance, and years late taking my piddly retirement accounts (three!) from my previous job and combining with my current one.

I have made progress. I haven’t destroyed the dining room table in this house with mountains of paper. And …… that may be about it!

I believe it comes up later in the step (and when I wrote this line, I saw with alarm that I am approaching the end of the step, having solved nothing), but of course I could work more diligently on this defect and others like it if I had motivation. I have made some progress in the program with things like this, but not enough.