March 13, 2012 (this day)

Ten minutes of terror.  Afraid at work, as usual, and a big boss wants to talk to me, it’s important, he’ll be right there.  Only he wasn’t, and I waited.  Is this “it?”

Now it wasn’t an idle ten minutes.  The nature of my job is that there are things going on constantly, constantly, we work at home in order to concentrate for any period of time.  So it was busy but it also gave me a chance to touch true anxiety, fear and uncertainty, to know I was in it, to examine it and maybe one day lessen it.

I read my meditation for the work week.  I change it (weekly) and read it Monday morning and seldom remember after that.  This week it is about change.  I don’t like change.  I “hate” change, unless it is clearly a change for the better.  Even then, doing something like moving to a better building, which would be very good, is tinged with anxiety and badness, because it is “change.”  Anyway my thingy to meditate on says something along the lines of everything is changing constantly, and God made it this way, so why not use some God-given talents to embrace change, talents like visioning, imagery and imagination.  As it is with all of these sayings, I saw for the “first” time that it says “maybe” I should learn to use these tools.  Maybe I should!

So worry, fret, do some work, pace around.  Big boss arrives and his question has nothing to do with my current worry.  And then he gives me a compliment.  And then a (difficult) client comes and gives me a compliment.  And then I wrote this.  And now I’ll move on.

Can We Steadfastly Content Ourselves part 1 (Step Twelve continued)

Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us?

This will be complicated for me to address.

Content?  Yes!  But . . .  I still fear the future, and whether or not I will have “enough.”  I fear the future my children will live in, with things like the economy and the environment.  I have no grandchildren, and if I envision a future without them, I fear what’s in store for humans.  If I envision grandchildren, the fear is that much worse.

But I DO NOT walk around fearing for myself, my children, or anyone, really.  Those thoughts are fleeting and they don’t dominate my mind.  I feel those thoughts are both right and wrong.  Right, because I’m not exempting myself from the human condition, though I have so much to insulate and protect me from hardship (and really, I don’t get this about the rich, who go about protecting the rich at the expense of the poor – don’t they know they, or their children, or their grandchildren, or someone they care about could one day be poor?).  I know that my life on earth could change for the worse quickly.  I have health insurance, but I really want everyone to, even if it costs me.

Wrong, because I have nothing in my history to make me afraid.  I have little in my behavior to make me afraid.  Fear is character defect and I would like to cut off its sunlight so it ceases to grow.

Think, Think, Think

This “slogan” has different meanings.  Think the drink through, to the end, to the jail/vomit/humiliation/danger/sickness/rehab/death.  “First thought – wrong” in which I needed to learn that my first reactions were almost always not appropriate or accurate or healthy.  AND I need to say that I don’t know why some people put the sign up side down, but I love it, and I do it, even when it’s not my meeting, if I can get away with it.

Today, I’m trying (still) to change some of my harmful thinking patterns.  As more is revealed to me, I see, for example, that I often ascribe to other people intentions that aren’t theirs.  So, for example, if someone asks me, “Why did you do that?”  I may hear a reproach when what was really there was a question, a request for information.

I often may think something is or should be obvious, so a question can rub me the wrong way, either sounding like a reproach to me or …… like someone hasn’t thought about it, is just talking to make noise.

I really can have those thoughts about people.

So, without incriminating details, I very recently had a period of a few hours when I was desperately, appropriately worried about a loved one.  I did not know if this person was all right, and had good reason to fear that she wasn’t.

I’d like to get better at adjusting my thought patterns during such an episode, and thankfully I don’t get many chances to practice.  When the chips are down and the anxiety is on, these are some of the things I think

• Wait to worry.  I know I may get bad news.  It isn’t here yet.  There will be plenty of time to mourn, be terrified, react and adjust to the bad news later, when it is actually here.
• I don’t trust God to make everything all right.  Everything is not always all right, and if there is a God, this is God’s will.  This is the only way it makes any sense at all to me.
• I don’t feel comfortable bargaining with God.  I feel there are millions of people in the world in worse shape than I am, in more need than I am.  I don’t feel, even when I’m very scared for a loved one, that I can ask God to make it come out the way I want it to be.
• Given that, when I do learn of the favorable outcome, for the moment, I thank God.  It makes no sense to me, and it is me doing it.

These truly terrifying times are few and far between in my life, and I’m very grateful for that.  They are so awful when they come that I do want to think about it, and get better at it, and think, think, think, in a better and healthier way.

TO BEACHY, 1912

To Beachey, 1912 by Carl Sandburg

RIDING against the east,
A veering, steady shadow
Purrs the motor-call
Of the man-bird
Ready with the death-laughter
In his throat
And in his heart always
The love of the big blue beyond.

Only a man,
A far fleck of shadow on the east
Sitting at ease
With his hands on a wheel
And around him the large gray wings.
Hold him, great soft wings,
Keep and deal kindly, O wings,
With the cool, calm shadow at the wheel.

May 11, 2010 (this day)

Today I walked the dog before work, worked, and came home.  It was all nicely standard, except for the weather, which is freezing.  I expect to see snow any minute now.  Thursday is the day we originally planned to go to Hawaii, but we had to change that plan because our son is graduating on Sunday, so we’ll go a week from Thursday.

Tomorrow I’ll go to Carole’s therapist to talk about my fear of flying, and all I’ve done, and all I will do.  I have decided that I won’t seek a drug to take to face the flights.  In all my years of flying, drugs have not been an option up until now, because I’ve always had babies and children to tend to on the planes.  Since that isn’t a problem now, I’ve struggled with the decision to try a drug or not.  In my life, I have never had a tranquilizer or a benzodiazepine.

I don’t know if it’s because of the time or place where I got sober, but it’s also come to my attention that I feel that to take someone else’s drugs would be wrong, would be a “slip,” actually.  To me it’s dicey enough to go get a doctor to prescribe something.  Just because I know I could get a doctor to do it, to skip that part of the process and just take something . . .

I haven’t gotten much support for my drug-free ideas inside the program or out.  I want to fly for the rest of my life, happily, not drugged.  I really think that taking a drug to change my mind or my mood is a risky, risky thing.  I really hope I can pull this off.

In AA We Have Found (Step Eleven continued)

In A.A. we have found that the actual good results of prayer are beyond question.  They are matters of knowledge and experience.  All those who have persisted have found strength not ordinarily their own.  They have found wisdom beyond their usual capability.  And they have increasingly found a peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.

This is what I’ve been trying to increase and cultivate in preparation for flying, and really for everything that causes me fear, anxiety and stress.  For some time now I’ve been praying the prayers, writing them, thinking them and studying them in an organized and formal fashion, much more mindfully than I’ve ever done before.

I’ve gained knowledge of the prayer, prayers, and some sources including poets, authors and the Bible.  I can’t really see how this increases my wisdom, but I hope it does.  It does increase my peace of mind.  I really hope it can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.

I think that in the past, when I faced flight and fear, I was much more confident in the program and the words of the program, though I have less reason to doubt it now than in the past.  I think that might be part of getting older, with that increased sense of vulnerability, or it may be the fact that now I’ll be flying without children to care for.  Or both.  But that deserves its own post.

Self-Esteem

I took a test:

Results of your Self-Esteem Test

	Self-Esteem Index
Your score = 80

What does your score mean?

According to this test, you have high self-esteem. You recognize your inner value and it shows in your personal life, relationships and career/school success. You exude confidence, which is very attractive, and believe enough in yourself to pursue things whole-heartedly. Such a healthy self-esteem allows you to “be yourself”, handle stress effectively and maintain an overall sense of well-being. You should value and nurture this quality; it will get you far in life. Way to go!

I don’t know.  I wonder what someone with a score of 100 would look like.

Last night at my meeting, the topic was something like “living with yourself in sobriety.”  I said that living with myself in sobriety is often hard.  I’ve been schooled for many years in the ideal ways to be, and I fall short most of the time, I think.  Literally most of the time.

Maybe part of that is an oldtimer dilemma.  In the beginning, I changed so drastically it was like a baby going from newborn to toddler.  In a short time I changed so much, and it has slowed way way down.  I also understand more about the way I should be than I understood at that time.  I know so many more of the right answers so if I think about it, I can quickly realize I’m not living up to what I know I should be.

Still, with all that I score an 80.  For the questions, most people around me don’t seem to be better off than I am.  I don’t really like myself and accept myself the way I am.  I need to keep improving.  Being myself allows the people who only truly like the genuine me to like me – a lesson I am grateful to have learned.  Thank goodness there are a few of them out there.  I am a little bit afraid of rejection, and in some ways I am inferior.  Physically, for example, and I’m fine with that.  Having bright children and working with people with intellectual disabilities has taught me that some are quicker than others.  It’s not good or bad (though intelligence is a wonderful gift), it just is.  People would notice if I disappeared.  I’ve asked anyone who would care to please look for me.  I am not worthless, futile or insignificant.  Though ignoring problems might not make them go away, it is my preferred method of dealing with them.  And no, I will never be as capable as I should be due to character defects like laziness and fear.

So according to Discovery Health, this all results in high self-esteem.  OK then, just as long as it’s not too high.

April 15, 2010 (this day)

I had good news today about Christy, the woman I’ve been worried about.  Yesterday and this morning I was, for some reason, extra worried about her.  My mind kept rehearsing how it would be to hear she had passed away.  Part of it, I know, is that I was listening to one of her favorite singers in the car.  But I want to make sure I pay attention to this, because a frequent symptom of my fear of flying was (probably is) an overwhelming feeling like a premonition that this plane is going to crash.  The first time I was afraid, it was a fear that my cat would die on a very long flight while she rode in cargo.  After she made it through that, I kept getting the feeling that my flight was going down.  I always got on the plane anyway, thankfully letting my rational brain prevail.  But I had that sixth sense feeling and now, with Christy, I can remind myself that I don’t really have any ability to predict the future.  My “feelings” really aren’t anything even resembling a fact.

Christy’s not out of the woods yet but she’s doing better.  I’m continuing on my quest to fly without fear and without drugs.  I haven’t yet made a firm commitment to do it that way, but that’s what I’m working toward.  Honestly I don’t get a lot of support for my desire to do it drug free, in or out of the program.    I don’t know what the best thing to do is, but I do know I’m tired of giving so much of my time over to fear.

I’m busy at work, and I’m also able to take time off when it gets too busy.  That does leave me feeling like I’ve burdened my work partner, though, even though she could do the same thing, she just doesn’t.  Last night I actually dreamed that I need surgery on my ankle, and I was afraid to tell my work partner about it.  I told her about the dream today.

Carole needs what I guess will be outpatient surgery on her hand on Monday in order to get through with the splint before our vacation.  She asked to switch cars with me since hers in standard and mine is automatic, and I declined.  So she bought a new car.  Today.

I have a cat who may be sick and my first iPod.  I tried to name it Fernanda, “daring journey,” but I didn’t do the naming or much else correctly with it.  The technology amazes me.  It goes so quickly and I am at times so very old.

” . . . the maladjusted life you have led . . .”

A reader asks:

Hi, I just read your disclaimer “just for the record, I refused to meet her (Carole) until she had one year sober”.

So I don’t see how that you getting with someone with 1 year when you have 12 years. It’s not that it is bad, etc, but odd. I mean come on, there are many SINGLE individuals in the rooms of AA with the same amount of sobriety as yourself. Now, if you are still married to her, she has 14 years clean, with 13 with you. Her entire soberlife has been manifested with you. While your 13 year-relationship with Carole has only comprised half of your soberlife. My point being is, what is her program like with out you? What if she left you? What if she wanted to leave you? What if you left her? Let’s just say, she won’t leave you out of fear. Fear of loss. Loss of: clean time, aa (friends, meetings, support networks), possibly money and career, housing, etc

Let me say this, you unintentionally finding a vulnerable individual in their first year of sobriety is a loud cry as to the maladjusted life you have led for those first 13 years, NO MATTER how well-adjusted newcomer with 12 months really is…

Please reply

Where to start?

First, I would not, in any circumstance, dismiss the questions raised.  They are legitimate questions to ask in any case.  It is quite painfully true that AA is filled with experienced people who know how to take advantage of inexperienced people.

• I mean come on, there are many SINGLE individuals in the rooms of AA with the same amount of sobriety as yourself.

I’m assuming this means I was looking for love, and that I should have been looking elsewhere, in other words, to other oldtimers, for a relationship.

I was not looking for a relationship.  I had split with the father of my children seven years earlier, and I was very much enjoying being a single parent.  I had lots of help from the grandparents of my kids.  I had a job that let me take care of them when I needed to.  I supported them financially including health insurance.  I didn’t have to compromise with anyone as to if the windows would be up or down, or what to set the heat at, or anything.  I was truly determined to stay single.

Also, for the first part of our online relationship, Carole with involved with other people.  I was not, under any circumstances, going there.  We began as an online friendship between an oldtimer and a newcomer.

• Now, if you are still married to her, she has 14 years clean, with 13 with you. Her entire soberlife has been manifested with you. While your 13 year-relationship with Carole has only comprised half of your soberlife. My point being is, what is her program like with out you? What if she left you? What if she wanted to leave you? What if you left her? Let’s just say, she won’t leave you out of fear. Fear of loss. Loss of: clean time, aa (friends, meetings, support networks), possibly money and career, housing, etc

This crosses my mind from time to time.  Not so much in terms of leaving, but I think, at times, about how difficult it would be if one of us was to die.  Like any married couple, we relate to so much of the world, the AA world included, as us.  If I’m calling someone from the program, and I think that person might not know who I am, I describe myself as, “Lydia, from Carole-and-Lydia.”

My sober time before I met her proves, I guess, that I can work AA without her.  Her year prior to meeting me proves that she can also.  But more than that, the AA (friends, meetings, support networks), money, career, housing, etc, falls squarely in my loss column, not hers.  She is much more outgoing than I am.  She has many more friends, meetings, support networks, much more money, a more secure and better-paying career, and much better potential to support herself than I do.  If we were to split up, she’d be in a much better position than I would be in.

Having met in AA, and having worked the program as a couple for so long, I honestly don’t think we’d make it through a situation where one of us wanted to leave, but was afraid to do so based on the loss of those things.  Our relationship is far too important, far too frequent, far too honest to make it that way for long.  At least that’s the way I see it.  I understand that people are made the fool every day, and that I may look back on these words bitterly, but I don’t think so.  Today I’m willing to risk it.

Years ago, it was important to me that I maintain my ability to independently support myself and my kids.  Now that the kids can see to themselves, I really don’t know if I’d make it on my own, or be too terribly devastated to do so.  That, I think, is from advancing age, not from unhealthy dependence.

• Let me say this, you unintentionally finding a vulnerable individual in their first year of sobriety is a loud cry as to the maladjusted life you have led for those first 13 years, NO MATTER how well-adjusted newcomer with 12 months really is…

Well, I did think, from the very beginning, that Carole had the characteristics to be a winner and to make it in the program.  As I said, we started as an online AA friendship and (speaking for myself) fell in love.  Before we met.  Which is so cool!

Having fallen, I then did the prudent thing and said I would not meet her in person until she had a year.  Once she had a year, and she proposed meeting (at 14 months), I expressed my concerns to a friend that a year isn’t really very long at all.  I remember that friend said, “How long does someone have to have to date you?”  See at that point, I did want to come across as a snooty oldtimer of 12 years.  I was also concerned for Carole’s mental health and sobriety, should we not get along in person.  It could happen!  But at that point I was in love, powerless in those wonderful ways of resisting the object of my desire any longer.

This would have been a mess in person, and I’m grateful we met just the way we needed to do so, online.  I don’t think we would have been attracted to each other in person, but if we had been, that could have been a bad scene.

I can see how, looking from the outside, it might look as if I found someone vulnerable and took advantage.  I can’t convey in words on this page that it really didn’t happen that way.  I can say that I’m as confident as I can be that she would not stay with me out of fear of the external things she could lose if she left.  With any long relationship, AA-based or not, those issues are difficult and heart-breaking.

I hope our longevity speaks to the wisdom of our decisions back then.  Carole was newly sober, yes, but she wasn’t a newborn baby, incapable of acting and dependent on the evil oldtimer to manipulate her.

Love like this is risky under any circumstances.  The AA factor has added so much to our relationship.  I can’t picture it, nor would I want it, any other way.  Back then, I felt that I was the one risking so much.  My fidelity to AA was proven, and hers was not.  I moved my children 400 miles away from their home and their grandparents.  I took a career risk, a pay cut, and gave up my precious independence to risk it on a relationship with a newcomer.

I am astonished, now, at all I did.

But I was in love, and I could not resist.  I didn’t know about this kind of love before.  I had been in relationships, and maybe I’d had some of emotions of being in love, but I had not met and developed a relationship with someone who would be a true life partner to me.

The life I lived before her was maladjusted, to some degree, I believe that we all are.  But looking back, whatever I did and had done, it got me ready for the next step, which was my relationship with my wife.  I wouldn’t blame anyone who, at the time, was worried about the potential for pain all around.  But to me that is part of the life that AA enables me to live.  Before AA I was not well-adjusted enough to have a relationship.  After practicing for years I was able to.

I feel, in a way, that if I drink tomorrow, AA has still been a huge success in my life, having given me all these productive years.  If Carole leaves me tomorrow I would likewise call our relationship a success (barring some huge deceit I don’t know about right now).

So I’m sorry, Matt B, that you read my explanation of how I met my wife in AA as an indictment and see it as something that I should not have done.  I was mindful, and careful, and I hope the good results speak for themselves.

Now, What of Prayer? (Step Eleven continued)

Now, what of prayer?  Prayer is the raising of the heart and mind to God–and in this sense it includes meditation.  How may we go about it?  And how does it fit in with meditation?  Prayer, as commonly understood, is a petition to God.  Having opened our channel as best we can, we try to ask for those right things of which we and others are in greatest need.  And we think that the whole range of our needs is well defined by that part of Step Eleven which says:  “knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”  A request for this fits in any part of our day.

I need to update the page I’m keeping of some of the new prayers I’ve found and tried to work with.  I rotate them on the sidebar and so I write them out again and again, plus I see them when I look at the blog.  I’ve kept the white binder going and I take it to work with me each day.  I still write out prayers in long hand at times at work, and there’s a section of the notebook I keep with me that has just these prayers.  So even if I can’t write them, I can read them.  I’ve also started keeping quotes, prayers, poems and such that have to do with overcoming fear in the same book.

I hope that the prayers I’ve chosen do, in essence, ask for knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out.  I’ll look with more of an eye toward that over the next little while.  Today’s fits the bill, I think, and it helps me focus on aspects of the equation of God’s will and the power.

• An Evening Prayer – C. Maud Battersby

  If I have wounded any soul today,
  If I have caused one foot to go astray,
  If I have walked in my own will full way-
  Good Lord, forgive!

  If I have uttered idle words or vain,
  If I have turned aside from want or pain,
  Lest I myself should suffer through the strain-
  Good Lord, forgive!

  If I have craved for joys that are not mine,
  If I have let my wayward heart repine,
  Dwelling on things of earth, not things divine-
  Good Lord, forgive!

  If I have been perverse, or hard, or cold,
  If I have longed for shelter in Thy fold-
  When Thou has given me some part to hold-
  Good Lord, forgive.

  Forgive the sins I have confessed to Thee,
  Forgive the secret sins I do not see,
  That which I know not, Father, teach Thou me-
  Help me to live.