Gratitude

Here’s a Mickey within a Mickey behind another Mickey. The whole thing is crawling with Mickeys. There’s something new at Disney since the last time I was there. The “hidden” Mickeys which, we are told, there are maybe several hundred of. These are images of Mickey Mouse which have been hidden within other things. They aren’t new, but the hype is new, at least to me.

An easy one to spot is on the banquet table in The Haunted Mansion. At the end of the table, three plates are placed so as to create a likeness of the mouse.

Sometimes, many times, I fail at fun. “Fun” is not something I often seek. Many things that others find to be fun, I do not. Part of it is that I can be stoic and unemotional. Part of it is that I really feel dumb doing things that get a laugh. I don’t like attention.

Sometimes I wonder how much of this I should accept about myself, and how much I should try to change. How much is just me, and how much is dysfunctional.

I only looked for one other hidden Mickey while I was at Disney. There’s supposedly another in The Haunted Mansion that is formed by some guy’s cloak. I read about it quickly on our way out the last morning. I looked for it, as did Carole, but we didn’t see it.

Does it take enjoyment and fun away from the experience to look for hidden Mickeys? To me it’s a bit like a puzzle I have only a few seconds to solve. The chances of me seeing a hidden Mickey in Disney World using no clues is just about non existent. I could look for years, I’m sure, without finding any. And even following clues, the time on a ride like The Haunted Mansion is so short. One could try and follow the clues to find a hidden Mickey that isn’t part of a ride, like one in a mural, but what would that time be spent doing otherwise? Does this add to the fun, or does it take some away?

We’re home, and I made to my meeting, where the topic was gratitude. Honestly I have too much to mention. There were people at the meeting who were, of course, struggling with trying to be grateful. Mostly AA meetings are full of very grateful people. Or at least they say they are grateful when asked. What happens to that gratitude when someone goes out and drinks? One of the synonyms for gratitude is appreciation. Is it that they fail to appreciate what they have? Or do they stop appreciating it for a time?

Today Hillary Clinton officially suspended her campaign and said that she supports Barack Obama as the next President of the United States. As much as I am heartbroken, disappointed, and even bitter (I understand she may have actually gotten more popular votes than he did), I can’t help but be amazed and grateful that I got to see this and participate. I actually can’t hold gratitude back at this time in my life.

I’ve had to practice through the years to get to this place. I didn’t enter AA feeling grateful. I understood the concept of gratitude pretty early on though. An oldtimer told me to “say thank God instead of God dammit.” I understood this when I got cut off in traffic. I was able to say “thank God I didn’t have an accident,” instead of God damming the other driver. That was the phrase that clicked for me, and the picture I’ve held on to. I had to be in that place at that time to receive those words. I had to be open and willing to try. It amazes me today that when something doesn’t go my way, I’m still able to thank God and to mean it. Often.

And oh my goodness, how could I forget? The lady herself said today that we should not waste time with if only. I know the time we spent on her campaign was not wasted, not a minute of it.

Not Much Love

If I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I know all knowledge and prophecy all mysteries, and if I have faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And if I offer up my body so I may boast********

This is where I lost it. I’m still trying to memorize it, but I guess I’m not trying very hard.

So, as is my custom, when all else fails I think about following directions. I prayed for the first time on this vacation yesterday, the seventh day of the odyssey. I should know better. I went to one meeting on this vacation on I don’t know which day. I have even put this blog on vacation. Though I’m writing a lot, I left the disciplined format I had developed.

I feel like I have failed at having fun. Now this is nothing new. Which makes it worse. And of course I’ve had fun, tons of it, days of it. Why isn’t it OK to admit that I don’t like vacation? Why isn’t it OK to admit I don’t like heat?

The ultimate ideal, I think, would be to like and be serene in all situations. It would be to recognize and appreciate God’s grace as expressed to me through this vacation. I would really like to get into and love the whole Disney experience. I’ve actually come a short way toward doing that recently by letting go of some of the thoughts I have that involve the evil of Disney. Ideally, I would remain serene in the face of the distress of my family members. I would be the calming, loving example for them to admire and follow. Maybe I’d also accept my humanness.

We went to a show explaining animation, and the announcer guy said that on the third day of Disney, someone in the family snaps. He said he wouldn’t single people out, but advised everyone to be nice to mom. So maybe I’m just totally average, although I want to be better.

I’m heading out for my last day at Disney for this trip.  I wonder if it will be my last time.  Not to be morbid, but you never know.  Maybe I’ll try to live it as if it is my last.  Maybe I’ll try to live it as if I had been practicing AA for 24 years.

I’m Melting, I’m Melting (down) ……..

It’s almost one in the morning, but I want to get a few notes about today down. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time during which no major catastrophes occurred. Meaning it was all small or temporary stuff, but there was so much of it, at one point I really couldn’t cope.

I’ll give my daughter a pseudonym for the blog and call her Erika. She’s 22, just graduated from college, and it is in honor of that event that we are at Disney for six days.

ARG! I had a long post written and the computer ate it and only saved the above. I’ll take it as a sign that I should be more concise.

Now it’s 9:30 in the morning after the aforementioned bad day. The main factor in the bad day was the heat. I think I got just about to where I couldn’t take it anymore. During the height of the heat, the main activity at Epcot was shopping. I really hate shopping. Much of this Disney vacation involves shopping after shopping after shopping after shopping. Also, Erika bought a beer. This after I asked her not to, and thought for a brief and happy moment that she wouldn’t, just because I asked her not to.  We’ve also been together 24/7 for six days now.  And our feet hurt.  And I don’t think I’ve eaten a vegetable since last Thursday.

But like I said, the main factor was the heat. Looking back, I probably should have parked it in a restaurant with a soda until the hottest part was over. It’s really difficult. I don’t want to ruin everyone’s time. I don’t want to pass out. Physically I feel I’m at the edge. I tried just moving along with everyone, but my wife was too solicitous in trying to help me and she asked too many questions, offered to do whatever I wanted to do, then when I stated what that was, she said she was going off on her own. So all in all, not a good few hours. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I would have rather been almost anywhere at that time than on my Disney vacation. And oh yes, all this in the context of I really don’t even like vacation.

Also, all this was in the context of the day that Hillary Clinton was probably really done. It brings tears to my throat now, when I think about it, though it has been a long time in coming. My oldtimer skills and learning have told me from the start that she was a long shot. We (Democrats) have an awesome candidate who was unimaginable for me four years ago. We (my family, especially my wife) have been part of an amazing historical event. She (Hillary) did more than I thought possible by a female. We (Democrats and in my opinion Americans) have to get behind Obama and do everything we can to help him win.

I’m going to try and muster all my will power and strength – I was about to write I will muster them to have a good day. But just writing the words, will power and strength, I realized right away what my error is. My will power and strength have to be turned to the direction of letting go and letting God.

More From the Happiest Place on Earth

My second day in the sun was much better than the first. I don’t know why that is, but I did drink lots more water. Today I was pummeled by the heat again. Basically I tried to keep in the shade and AC, keep drinking and live through it. Thankfully, the really hurtful heat just lasted for an hour or two.

I’m more convinced that the lack of balance on a Disney vacation is not a good thing for me or for most people. Being at Disney, I really feel like I need to keep going and going, because there just isn’t time to see and do everything. We’re not staying on the grounds of Disney, so leaving for part of a day and returning isn’t practical. So we go on and on and on with activities.

We’ve been really lucky with the famous lines at Disney, and that has gone well and we’ve gotten almost everything we tried to do in. I do think I’m a bit more able to see the fun in Disney than I was in the past. We also haven’t killed each other or broken a relationship yet, though all this togetherness is challenging and really, it’s too much.

Interestingly and not at all on purpose, we’re here for part of Gay Week. Or is it Gay Day? Either way, that’s kind of fun. Our anniversary is on Thursday, so it’s even more appropriate.

So it’s a challenge, having “fun” hour after hour, day after day. I’m visiting rides and places I remember from when I was a kid. I’m seeing it a bit through the different eyes of my kids. I guess the best moments are when I can let go of the surrounding circumstances of overbearing heat and sore feet and just experience things as fully as possible. I’m sure that will be a good metaphor to bring back into the daily flow.

Going to Disney!

I hate vacation.  That’s an attitude I will be working on changing, every day for at least the next ten or so days.  I’m taking the computer and I really hope that I can do all my usual online things.  No let me amend that.  I hope I don’t want to do my usual online things.  But if I do want to, I hope I’m able to.  Anyway just in case someone wonders where I’ve gone.  I’ll be repeatedly riding through It’s a Small World, lines permitting.