April 4, 2012 (this day)

Elizabeth Cady Stanton most likely sat in this chair.

It’s four days until Easter.  Unless something unforeseen happens, this will be the first Easter that I haven’t seen my daughter since she was born.  I’m not happy about it.  Last year, Carole, Nicholas and I road tripped to Erika’s town to have Easter with her and head home.  That is when the 16-year-old dog decided to give up the ghost, and we ate Easter dinner while worrying about what was going on at home, trying to hurry and not to hurry.  It was pretty awful.  For that reason I didn’t ask for a road trip this year.  We saw Erika a few weeks ago, and she assures me that an Easter on her own doesn’t bother her in the least.  Both kids says say they are confirmed atheists.  There are much worse things, I know.

At work the staff for Friday, “Good” Friday, dwindles, and I worry.  I still haven’t heard about the state of my job and I’d really love it if I could learn much more quickly through bland experience than through pain.  Friday will pass and it will be fine.  Anxiety is doing nothing for me here.  I’ve been helping some younger (in the program) women with some steps.  For two of them, that’s Step Ten.  If only my inventory resulted in a better stock.

Hm.

Wreckage of the Past

From the ancient oldtimer perspective (which is mine), I think some things have got to be let go.

I started thinking about this, thinking that because of my youth, I didn’t have tons of wreckage when I finally got sober, but upon a little more thought I decided I had enough.  Most glaringly, I carried on a relationship with someone who was married while I was drinking, and once sober, I couldn’t make direct amends.  I’ve heard of some ways people make indirect amends, but those didn’t come up in my life at that time.  Now, many years later I truly hope that living well (at least not blatantly doing the wrong thing like that) has been an amend, but the fact remains that I was guilty, I can’t directly apologize, and nothing can change that now.

Unless I purposefully set out to think about it, or unless something jars a memory, I don’t often think of that or other wreckages of my past.  It’s vitally important that I not forget because those are the things that I did while I was drinking, and if I drink again I will do much worse things.  That I believe.  So by letting go I don’t mean forgetting.  I don’t forgive myself and I don’t really punish myself.  I don’t remember often but I don’t forget completely.

I have not personally done an indirect amend, but I’ve heard it gives some people peace.  They make a charitable donation or volunteer time of in some other way try to pay back the harm they caused by doing much more good than harm in a way that’s as related as possible to the harm.  So someone who was rotten to their grandmother and cannot now be nice and helpful to her helps other old ladies in memory of her.

Wreckage of the more recent past is not so dramatic.  For me, I can mostly think of things I would have done differently with my kids, if I had a chance to do it over again, but they are still here and thankfully we’re not done yet.  But with the way my parenting goes, by the time I figure out what to do, we’re on to another phase.  I am really very lucky.

The Fourth and the Tenth (Steps)

This is on my mind.  I have a friend who, with a few years sober, keeps doing fourth and mini- fourth steps.  She said that none of her sponsors ever talked to her about steps 10, 11 and/or 12.  Another woman I know has repeatedly slipped over several years, and has had two sponsors, and though the sponsors talked to her about a fourth step …… well, the way she put it is that when she asked them what she’s doing wrong, they couldn’t tell her.  Yet her fourth step remains a huge mountain her mind that she has yet to climb.

I was listening to a “Clancy” CD on the way home from work and he said that repeated and constant fourth steps are a socially acceptable way to stay completely self-absorbed.  He also said, as I guess we see every day, that many many people who climb the first three steps fail to do a fourth step and beyond.

As for my personal experience, I’ve done three formal fourth steps over 27 years of sobriety.  This has worked for me.  I anticipate that if I live long enough I will do another many years hence.  I wouldn’t call these constant or repeated.

My understanding of the tenth step is that there are two distinct and important parts of it.  Continued to take personal inventory is one part, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it is another part.  Often the parts go together, but not always.

It was a great relief and revelation to me to promptly admit when I’m wrong and I know that, compared to the way I was before the program, it has saved personal relationships, especially at work.  It was a freeing proposition when I first employed it.

But the continued inventory is almost more important.  If, for example, I am jealous, this is a character defect and I want to list it on my daily inventory.  If I fumed and stewed and made myself miserable with my jealousy, I don’t think I necessarily have to apologize to anyone, depending on what I did that day, or failed to do.  But for the sake of my argument say I had no responsibilities that day, and rather than enjoying the free time, I made myself miserable feeling jealous.  No harm done to anyone but me.

But say in my jealousy I snooped somewhere I shouldn’t.  Then I might owe an apology and and amend (a change).  Now I could wonder if the person I snooped on is better off not knowing I did that but that is beside my point.

I try to look out for excess negative emotion and in a daily (or more frequent) inventory think of which character defect is at play resulting in my excess negative emotion.  If the problem is bad enough or frequent enough I also try to think about how to do away with the defect, how to ask God to remove it and be able to let it go.  I don’t want to do the same thing over and over again, expecting and getting the same result.  All that, to me, is tenth step, not fourth.

Now all that confused me but I think I’ll go with it and move on to something simpler . . .

Willingness

I looked the word up, because I wanted to see what the dictionary definitions are.  I looked at one or two and I’m baffled.  They list meanings like “eagerly disposed” and other very affirmative things.

In AA my experience with willingness has been grudging.  I wasn’t willing to consider a higher power, to pray, to do lots of things they told me to do until I was completely beaten into the ground.  I became willing through hard, hard knocks and experience.

When I finally became willing, it was almost as if I was willing to try each and every thing as an “experiment.”  I know that I’ve heard recordings of Bill W telling us to  pray to a higher power that I may not know is there as an experiment, if nothing else.  That this experiment may bring about the desired result of belief.  “Willing to experiment” is hardly “eagerly disposed” or “cheerfully consenting.”

When I hear willingness discussed at meetings, it’s usually in the context of reluctance.  I have experienced a few lucky souls who showed up at AA very willing to take suggestions and change, but they are the minority in my opinion.  I was very, very unwilling to change and so six more years of drunkenness was my result.

My willingness today . . . I know I’m not so hard-headed as all that but I can be very stubborn and rigid and …… unwilling.  I’m going to think about that one and see if I can’t see my unwillingness in terms of a character defect that is here, now.

October 29, 2011 (this day)

This is Erika and Carole, from our visit last weekend.  Now we have snow and I believe Erika does as well.  Our son was heading into bigger snow, going for a trip for work.  Whether he went or not, or made it or not, we do not know.  He does not say.

Erika is much more communicative.  I know that she’s due to give a big speech on Monday.  That her car’s wheel is making a funny noise but she doesn’t have time to have it checked out.  That she probably won’t have it checked out before she drives to visit us next month, a drive of six hours and including two cats.  That she can only stay a few days and so my opportunity to check out the car is limited.  Which reminds me I forgot to call and try to make an appointment for the day before Thanksgiving.

Carole’s been sick, and our internet has been going in and out, on and off.  I’m paralyzed without it!  I can’t work or shop or practically live.  I needed help with a crochet pattern and I couldn’t send it to Erika to have her tell me what to do.  I guess that’s good.  She was too busy for that anyway.

Today we went to the sale the church across the street has every year.  Phyllis’ husband was there, and he said he’s buying snacks for our meeting tonight, the way Phyllis did every year.  The meeting will be in the smaller room of the church due to the sale.  I’m chairing tonight, and later I have to go try to figure out how to possibly cram many people into a small space.  I hate that.  Though too many people at the meeting is an excellent problem to have.

Today I really want to give up as much anxiety and worry as I possibly can.  There’s Erika, and yesterday I found out I may have to testify at a hearing having to do with work.  A very bad situation at work.  I’ve been in any kind of court exactly twice.  Once for child support and once to change my name.  I really really really hope I don’t have to go.

And I really really really know that there’s a bit I can do to prepare for it, that bit not including worry about it.  Then any extra time I give to it just detracts from the quality of my life.  Same with Erika and anything else I choose to worry about.

And, trying to expand the way I think about character defects a little, I’m thinking about how this will involves dependency and co-dependency and over-dependency.  Hmmm.

AND TWO MORE DAYS TILL NANOWRIMO!!!

September 25, 2011 (this day)

I was stuck for something to write about, then I checked out my own side bar.  I see that I am to concentrate on the character defects of “abrasiveness, hostility, belligerence, being generally bad-humored.”  That I can do (anyone old enough to remember A Chorus Line?)!

At my meeting last night, the topics that were suggested were (1) how have you changed? (2) why do you keep coming back? and (3) anger, fear, and resentment.  Not much to talk about there!  So putting these two together I thought about what happened after the meeting.

We traditionally have a meeting after the meeting.  Carole and I, as regulars, go out after, inviting all and sundry to come.  The tradition has changed a bit over time and what I had in mind at the beginning was to sort of recreate the diner experience I had when I first got sober.  I did that for years, then not so much as I moved many times in sobriety, then had kids at home I needed to get back to.  Now I’m free again.  Among other things, I do believe it helps newcomers socialize with AA folks in a non-meeting setting.

Because there are many financial situations represented at a meeting, I always push for a diner-type place to eat.  Somewhere that someone can have just a cup of coffee, or dessert, or a whole dinner.  I’m often over ruled though and we got to real restaurants with real dinners, and that’s what happened last night.

So on the way there, we saw fireworks.  Our town was shooting off fireworks, I don’t know why.  Our town is small and the fireworks are visible from all over.  They’re shot off less than two miles away and they shake the ground and are very loud.

And my dog is afraid, as are so many.  And I’m not happy when my dog is afraid.  We can comfort her to some extent, but she’s really still afraid even when we tell her not to be.  Fourth of July and Halloween (ringing door bells, lots of people walking around) are two times I make sure to be home with her.  I’ll add late September to that list, but last night I didn’t know about it.

On the way to the dinner, I really worried about her.  I was very torn about going home to be with her and letting Carole get a ride home, or coming back to get her.  I wouldn’t comfort the dog then go back out.  I think that would be worse.  I struggled with knowing the fireworks would be done by the time I got to the house, thinking the dog would still need some comfort, and the truth that at times I go away for more than a few hours, leaving the dog to cope with whatever comes, including, possibly, fireworks.

I stayed at the dinner.  It really put a damper on my experience and, from my above list, I’d have to say I was generally bad-humored.   I still feel kind of guilty about it.  Having made my decision and staying at the dinner, I couldn’t slough it off and just be happy with the company and the night.

September 21, 2011 (this day)

I’ve seen four stink bugs this afternoon and I hear tell by the people who tell of such things that the plague will be worse than last year.  And last year it was bad.  To my understanding, this bug has come over from Asia but its predator has not.  So it flourishes.  I think that people haven’t poisoned the heck out of them yet because they don’t bite or destroy things.  The only time they stink is when squashed, like when my dog bites one.  The new kittens have not seen a stink bug but I imagine we are in for some heavy-duty stinking when they do.

So nothing fights and kills the stink bugs and they come back stronger than before.  I would like to compare this experience to the way I’m experiencing character defects, but it’s a bit of a stretch.

My character defects are really very tedious and boring after 27 years of continuous sobriety.  You won’t find me being very illegal, immoral or dangerous.  No.  Not passed out under the table, in a class, or behind the wheel.  No.  You’ll find me anxious and jealous, irritable and impatient.  Judgmental and arrogant as well.

The same work situations stress me out.  The same home situations stress me out.  The same world situations stress me out and I know the fault lies in me, not in the situations.

I don’t think the character defects multiply, like the stink bugs.  I hope they actually get to be fewer and weaker.  But I think my capacity to live with them diminishes as I raise the floor of my life and want to get better and want to have more – serenity.

Wanting and working or two completely separate things.  And I swear that while I was writing, another bug flew by.  A plague that will come no matter how I feel about it.  My feelings and ability to cope with it are irrelevant to it, and only effect me.

After We Come Into A.A. (step twelve continued)

After we come into A.A., if we go on growing, our attitudes and actions toward security–emotional security and financial security–commence to change profoundly.  Our demand for emotional security, for our own way, had constantly thrown us into unworkable relations with other people.  Though we were sometimes quite unconscious of this, the result always had been the same.  Either we had tried to play God and dominate those about us, or we had insisted on being overdependent upon them.  Where people had temporarily let us run their lives as though they were still children, we had felt very happy and secure ourselves.  But when they finally resisted or ran away, we were bitterly hurt and disappointed.  We blamed them, being quite unable to see that our unreasonable demands had been the cause.

As to the way it was for me when I was drinking, I can’t really relate with any certainty.  I was, in fact, a child, at least legally when I went to my first meeting at 16.  When I stopped drinking, at 21, I was barely more than a child.  There wasn’t anyone I tried to dominate, and I don’t think I was over dependent either, but my situation is not the norm, since I was so young.

Now, I hope I don’t seek to dominate, although sometimes I am very adamant about being right about certain things.  I supervise, at work, and I don’t like it.  I may know the way things should go, to a large extent, and I may have some limited power to try to make them go that way, but I don’t do as much as I should, and I don’t enjoy doing it.  My deficit is right there.  I don’t like confrontation, and I don’t do as much as I should, as much as the people who depend on me deserve.

In other situations I often don’t like to dominate, except when I do.  I don’t think I know best most of the time, and honestly, another defect, I don’t want to be responsible for having things go wrong.

Can We Steadfastly Content Ourselves part 1 (Step Twelve continued)

Can we steadfastly content ourselves with the humbler, yet sometimes more durable, satisfactions when the brighter, more glittering achievements are denied us?

This will be complicated for me to address.

Content?  Yes!  But . . .  I still fear the future, and whether or not I will have “enough.”  I fear the future my children will live in, with things like the economy and the environment.  I have no grandchildren, and if I envision a future without them, I fear what’s in store for humans.  If I envision grandchildren, the fear is that much worse.

But I DO NOT walk around fearing for myself, my children, or anyone, really.  Those thoughts are fleeting and they don’t dominate my mind.  I feel those thoughts are both right and wrong.  Right, because I’m not exempting myself from the human condition, though I have so much to insulate and protect me from hardship (and really, I don’t get this about the rich, who go about protecting the rich at the expense of the poor – don’t they know they, or their children, or their grandchildren, or someone they care about could one day be poor?).  I know that my life on earth could change for the worse quickly.  I have health insurance, but I really want everyone to, even if it costs me.

Wrong, because I have nothing in my history to make me afraid.  I have little in my behavior to make me afraid.  Fear is character defect and I would like to cut off its sunlight so it ceases to grow.

February 25, 2011 (this day)

So here I sit worried about two things.  Number one, my work partner got violently ill yesterday, and I’m just counting the minutes until I get it.  It’s been just over 24 hours since this happened, and so far I feel fine.  Number two is the snow.  Par for the course in my neck of the woods in February.  It’s falling, and forecasted to be a very small amount, but just last Monday the forecast was very wrong about that, and although I didn’t get stuck, of course I saw many people on the news who did.  And I’m at work “alone,” at least in charge alone, because of worry number one.  Number two and a half, my daughter Erika is in a much snowier place, forecasted to get a huge amount of snow.  I talked to her last night and she’s sick.  That would be worry 2.75.

I HATE it!  I “should” be so much better at this by now.  I remember so clearly, sitting at a meeting in my hometown on a Saturday night many years ago, worried about the falling snow and deciding then, many years ago now, to give up this habit of worrying about snow.  Carole is home and the animals are fine.

Looking at the character defect du jour and the character defect list, I come first to rationalizing and minimizing.  Surely, as I get ready to beat myself up for thinking in terms of how I “should” be, the thoughts creep in that this really isn’t “so” bad.  No, it’s not so bad.  But it’s not so good, either, and I’d like to be done with it.

Resentment?  No

Rigidity and fear of change?  No

Sarcasm, cruelty, meanness?  A tiny bit toward myself, but no.

Self-centered, selfish, self-seeking?  Ah ha!  Spending excessive time thinking about myself?  Check!  Considering myself first in situations?  Check!  Not having enough regard for others or thinking about how circumstances hurt or help others?  Check!  And check again, even when it’s my daughter I’m worried about.  This is still “me” and “mine,” and she’s probably OK, and there’s nothing I can do from here.

And so, I will now stop thinking about myself and what I’m worried about, as much as I can.  I’m going out my door into a building full of people who I’m blessed beyond measure to be with today.  People who have much more to worry about than I do.  And some maybe are more worried, but I think that most aren’t, and I can learn from their example.