This day this week this month this year.
As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening at one point to a prayer over the phone. The woman spoke of Jesus’ fast of 40 days, and how he would not turn a stone into bread afterward. Just then, a very very very strange operator type voice said, “I’m sorry, zero is not a valid option. Please try again.” Right in the middle of the prayer. I hung up in FEAR.
A few things are coming together as I approach my 25th sobriety anniversary, which will be, barring any unforeseen circumstances, May 1.
The regular stuff. My daughter is living on her own, my son is in his junior year of college.
I’m most certainly having (no matter what the professionals say) perimenopause, on my way to the real thing.
My work situation has come full circle again, and I have to decide what to do about it again. I have to decide to act, or to refuse to act.
My mother truly seems to be losing her eyesight. She is 69, and lives with her husband, far from me.
I really need to change my name. I have the name of my ex. It isn’t an awful name, but it isn’t mine. I hate my “maiden” name (as well as I hate that term). My birth name. It’s not attractive, and I have no connection to that family. I was glad to give it up when I had the chance, and I don’t want it back again. Which causes the dilemma of what name to choose. I think it will be my grandmother’s “maiden” (birth) name. The only thing that’s stopping me, really, is that it feels somehow embarrassing, like I’m taking myself too seriously, or doing something goofy. Ego, that’s what it is. My ego is stopping me. But I’m going to do it.
I’m reading a book by Germaine Greer about the “change of life,” menopause. I just started the book, but already I’ve loved where she points out that women of a certain age who spend tons of time and money trying to look younger, are trying to look like girls, and this is a sick thing. She also says this is the time for me to plan the rest of my life. She says that if something is lacking, there is still time to get it.
I want to get a certificate in Applied Behavior Analysis. I have the means and the time, and if they’ll have me, I’m going to get it. If not that, something else. I want to go to school.
A while ago I was saying something goofy to someone, something about AA, and I said, “I don’t want to sound like Miss AA.” A friend said, “Well, you are!” So I’ll confess it here and regret it later. At work today, I was taking a walk with someone. This is someone who can’t take a walk without me or someone else giving him very close supervision, meaning someone has to be right there all the time. I was turning some of this around in mind, wondering what I should do specifically with the work situation. I have known for a long long time that AA tells me I am to serve God and my fellow human beings, that I am to be useful. In the past, at work, I have even voiced this exactly, that I want to do what it is that is most useful for me to do. I sort of said to myself that I don’t know what is useful at this point.
Now that’s true, I don’t know what is useful. I don’t know if some of my actions, for example, cover up the fact that someone else isn’t doing his job, and that this is a bad thing, because he won’t be found out and he’ll continue. I don’t know if I should try again to make the situation right (according to my definition of what is right, of course). I don’t know if I should wait to see what others think would be best, or if I should put my opinion out there, as someone who has been working there a comparatively long time. I don’t know if the lessons of the past say that nothing changes – same song, different verse, a little bit louder and a little bit worse.
But standing in front of glass doors with streaming sunlight and a happy person who I was enabling to take a walk, I pictured for a second Bill Wilson himself saying something to me like, “Really? You really don’t know if you’re being useful?”
So that’s really odd for me. I’ll blame it on the fact that I’ve been reading As Bill Sees It every morning, so maybe I tend to think in terms of his voice speaking. I hope.
I’m going to hit publish now before I come to my senses. Zero is not a valid option.