An excess of negative emotion today. I’m really frustrated with myself for getting so drawn in. I’m furious, and tired.
Maybe, if I didn’t have the program, I’d be much worse off. I know I would be. But from right here, right now, I feel like I know less about intimate relationships and how to be in them than the newest drunken newcomer.
Restraint – the act of restraining, holding back, controlling, or checking. It’s a word that comes up a bit in the literature of AA. Holding back, controlling, and checking myself and my reactions is one of the best lessons I continue to learn in AA. My work partner, who doesn’t know much about the Twelve Steps of my involvement with them, often tells me what she wants to say to someone, followed by, “I know, you’ll tell me to sleep on it.” Because that’s what I tell her.
The next day she, and I, are almost always less angry, hurt, upset, whatever excess of negative emotion we are feeling. I’ve had some longer, bigger upsets where it took more than one night, but inevitably my emotions cool and moderate with time when I think of things that hurt or upset me.
I used it, also, when my kids were younger, and they decided they wanted something expensive. I always asked them to continue to want it for two weeks before they spent their money on it. It was funny a few times, when one or the other approached me with, “Mom, I’ve been thinking about this for two weeks, and I really want ______.”
For me, not sharing my negative reactions is not really “stuffing” it. Not for me, not that I can see. I understand that some people have grown up in an environment where they were told not to react to things that were not acceptable. I wonder, though, when I hear them share something like at a meeting: What is it today that they find unacceptable? What calls for an immediate reaction that shouldn’t be held back, checked, controlled or restrained? I think sometimes in my own judgmental mind that they are talking about appropriate reactions to bad things that happened to them as kids. Rarely, as an adult, do I have people out and out insult or harm me. Usually I want to react to an injustice I perceive, perpetrated by someone who may also feel slighted.
Either way, with my responses to real or imagined harm, I always find that sleeping on it is best. I usually talk about it, also, at least to Carole and perhaps to others. Often at that point I let it go, but if I feel that I must respond, at least that response has been checked, controlled, held back (to a point) and restrained.
An honest regret for harms done . . .
Today this is almost baffling. I’m trying to imagine a situation in which I would harm someone, and not be sorry for it. I don’t think my deepest, most violent anger even goes there.
I was temperamentally made this way, though, it’s nothing to my credit. I do get angry and hurtful and violent but I hope I’m always sorry if I harm someone.
I like sayings like, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that,” and “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”
Two people I work with had a serious and scary fight. I wasn’t there for the fight, but I was there for the aftermath when my work partner and I tried to make sense of it and repair what we could. One woman, let’s call her Flora, felt disrespected by the other woman. Let’s call her Sara.
Flora stood up to Sara in an aggressive way, because she felt disrespected, and Sara reacted to that aggression with aggression of her own. She did things like shout, wave her finger and physically move forward.
It’s plain to me that even as that began, it was going no where good. The aggression of both of them was not going to make the other see it her way. It could do nothing but escalate.
I have a few certain triggers when someone flips my switch. I have to try to remember the scenario and not escalate and not get aggressive. That behavior does harm the other person, whether that person is also harming me, or not. My wrath does not produce God’s righteousness.
Carole and I went to a wedding today. The service was short – the shortest wedding I’ve been to, I think. It was mostly traditional though a little different. It shouldn’t matter, but it does to me, that we were two of the only three white people there. I counted. It was easy to do. It was the only mostly black wedding I’ve ever been to. I’m not passing a judgment on this as good or bad, in general. For me, it was good. I am glad I experienced something new. Being in the minority didn’t really play into it at all. For me, when I’m in a group of only or mostly other men, for example, I don’t like that one bit. When a meeting starts to look like that, I actually want to leave.
But that is all besides my point. I had two epiphanies at the wedding. One was when I somehow recognized the element of “belief” that exists in the word and concept of “faith.” The program has taught me that every single human being I have a relationship with will fail me and let me down from time to time. If this person is “faithful” to me, I have a certain amount of belief that they will try to continue with me and not let me down again. Or maybe I have to change what I expect from fallible people. Anyway this “faith” involves the future.
The second thing I suddenly understood at a deeper level is sort of embodied in “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors,” but it didn’t come to me from the Lord’s Prayer (sung, but the way, by the Reverend, in a manner I cannot describe with words). There are people at work I chronically have a problem with. Or there are people in my life that I have a problem with, maybe a big bad thing, maybe a few big bad things.
If, as I start to bring to mind the badness between me and this other person (and why would I do that? But I do), I can immediately bring to mind my badness – the mistakes I’ve made, the times I didn’t do my best, or things that I’ve done that are just plain wrong – that casts my relationship in another light immediately.
I’ve understood the concept that we are all same and I am as sinful as the next person – not less, not more. But in reality I have a hard time putting myself there. Usually, honestly, I feel like certain people are just not as nice I am, not as hard workers, not as honest, not as whatever good quality I can name. Other people I know who I consider to be better than me in any way, sometimes I still have a grudge or two, a time or two when they were wrong and I was right, they were mean and I was nice, etc etc.
If in my mind I can match their wrong with my own – it may help me be in a more total, equal and honest relationship, as human to human. I hope that it can.
But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were. There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn’t.
Wow. I can see that so clearly sometimes in other people.
Going back to my debit side and considering my anger, I will record that this is my fourth day off in a row and anger has not been a problem for me at home these four days. That is far from always the case, and I certainly need to work on my anger as it involves my family members, but just now it’s not a problem. I haven’t been to work so I haven’t been angry there, but I go back tomorrow.
I have noticed that when a certain coworker of mine is in a good mood, it goes far towards giving me a good day. As soon as I realized that, I saw that also of course my mood may influence others toward the good and happy side, and so I’m mindfully trying to do that.
But I’m off track. My bad behavior at home and at work often begins with my anger. At work, I think it has mostly to do with the selfishness of others, or with their desire to control things that I rightfully should be controlling, things like the staff schedule.
I can’t think of a good example, and I’m going to try to pay attention to my debit side and to see what my motives are in situations of conflict.
As we glance down the debit side of the day’s ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong. In most cases our motives won’t be hard to see and understand. When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that. Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God’s help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, make, of course, any amends still neglected.
I had another angry morning at work, and this happens way too often. I absolutely knew in the beginning, middle and at the end of it that I was angry, that I was wrong to be angry, and that I needed to get over my anger. I didn’t express it, because to do so would be to “let them see me sweat.”
My motive in that situation is often that my power and control is questioned or threatened. Should I be the director? Well, yes, that is my job. I am supposed to direct. My direction is pretty well guaranteed to make at least one person, probably more, unhappy every single day that I do it. I take that unhappiness too hard. I know that I deal with the hassle, the job and the unhappiness because it is for the greater good.
I really don’t do a daily inventory, formal or informal, I more try to define it in the moment. Either way, considering “each thought or act that appears to be wrong” seems like an impossibly tall order.
Trying to visualize how I might have done better is also difficult. I try to call to mind someone who did my job or my type of job very well, and I wonder how that person would have reacted to what I’m going through. The person I’m left thinking about was really only my second supervisor in the string of six, and although she did most things very very well, there were employees who didn’t like her either, and who reacted badly to her direction each and every day.
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the state of being an accomplice; partnership or involvement in wrongdoing: complicity in a crime.
Wrong doing The voice of partnership in wrong doing, that’s what silence is.
I experienced a great big very angry situation this morning. My partner and I schedule staff for the week and it’s one of the worst parts of our jobs. We work with lots of people, and many of them are often unhappy with the schedule. There’s lots to consider, and often the nicest people get taken advantage of. To my eye at least.
This morning someone just blatantly changed the schedule. It was insubordination, to be sure. It made me really angry, for sure. I find myself often feeling anger toward the person who did this. There are policies and procedures to deal with such things but really, you can’t be at war with the staff. Really, I’ve seen seven people in eleven years try to manage this place.
Two and one half years ago there was a major melt down and blow up here. At that time I decided to become silent. Complicit. I would do what I could do and not go beyond that. How could I go beyond what I could do, honestly?
I’ve been struggling and searching for meaning and trying to know what I should do since then. I’ve gotten noisier and done more and pushed more. For the first time in my life, “What would you do if you could not fail?” has a legitimate answer. I would improve this place.
Well, I could fail, but I’m in a position where that is literally true. If I try and fail I will be OK personally. I don’t need to support my kids or myself or my critters.
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A bad morning and a sort of spot check inventory. Not actually done on the spot. On the spot, I noticed this morning that my character defect du jour, fear, came up when walking the dog. This is because I had a very traumatic dog walking experience, three years ago this month.
But later. I was pursuing a list – I don’t know where I got it or what I intended to do with it. I had already looked up and considered anger. Angry again. Last night a random post on my blog had the subject of anger.
Googling it I see that “being critical of your partner” is such a popular search term, Google fills it in for you. Hmmm.
Character Defects: intolerant, irresponsible, selfish, impatient, greedy, jealous, lazy, resentful, sarcastic. Not wallowing in self-pity and depression, guilt and self-loathing. Oh no, not me.
We can try to stop making unreasonable demands upon those we love.
I have failed in my attempt to see what I demand from those I love. I won’t cop out and stall here again.
One source of frequent irritation comes to mind. I expect people who know me well to remember certain things about me, and to act accordingly or at least not ask the same questions over and over again through the years.
A harmless example:
Do you want coffee?
Is it first thing in the morning? Have I ever not wanted coffee first thing in the morning? Ever? Don’t ask. Yes, I want coffee. Always have, always will.
I’m easily and often irritated by talk that I consider to be superfluous. Aren’t you cold? Why don’t you put on a sweater? What are you doing?
Oh, I thought of one!
What’s wrong? Some people use this in place of “hello.” Drives me nuts! Some people conduct entire relationships this way. What’s the matter? Nothing. Are you sure. Yes …… well it’s nothing and it’s probably me, but ……
So I feel this post is full of unreasonableness, but I am blind to it. I will move forward.
I’ve not considered myself to be an angry person, generally, and I tend more toward the depressed side of things than the angry. But I am consumed by anger right now, over a specific situation and I don’t remember ever being this angry before.
So in between the things I was supposed to do today, I worked a bit on my anger. I have no conclusions but a few things I’ve reminded myself of, or tried to understand better.
- anger hurts me spiritually, physically and mentally (emotionally)
-it shuts out God – closes the door on a higher power – I am the highest power when I’m angry
-AA tells me that my goal is to rid myself of anger. It doesn’t say there is healthy anger, or justifiable anger, or anger I can hold on to and play with for a while. It tells me when I’m angry, I am wrong, regardless of the cause of my anger.
-Knowing I’m angry, I must make sure I don’t hurt anyone else, or myself.
-Why am I angry? Part of my anger comes from the fact that I can’t tell. I can’t tell on this blog and I can’t tell anyone in real life. That is unfair and it makes me angrier.
-But I’m angry because I’m afraid (and other things I can’t mention). Am I ready to have my fear removed? My self-esteem has been damaged.
-God please help me be ready to have them removed. God please save me (yes, save me!) from being angry.
-Anger is poison. This afternoon, when I noted that, I was thinking that is poisons me, as it surely does. But I see now that it poisons those around me also.
-I am not running the show.
-My anger comes from self-pity, selfishness, self-centeredness and self-seeking.
-My anger actually has the power to kill me. I know this is true and not overly dramatic.
-I have ceased fighting anyone or anything (even alcohol).
-Being angry is like beating myself with a club.
-I’m trying to proclaim my own righteousness.
-Rage makes me feel powerful and offsets my feelings of shame or inadequacy.
I am still learning.
