Don’t Drink and Don’t Die

It’s somewhat unbelievable to me now. At 16, I knew I was an alcoholic and out of control (of course I understand now that this is stating the obvious). I didn’t know much about alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous. I really don’t know how I thought to call them. But I did. I know I assumed AA would attempt to teach me how to drink moderately.

So I looked it up in the phone book, and I called.  This was 1979.  There were no computers, no internet, no caller ID.  I do remember taking a book out of the school library that dealt with alcoholism.  That was how we gathered information back in the day.  Quaint, and slow.

My phone number at the time seemed to people like a commercial number.  It was one number off from a local golf course, which was a pain on Sunday mornings when people called to make a tee time.  It was something like 676-1000.  Anyway when I called the AA hot line and spoke to the woman answering the phone, she said she would get someone in touch with me and would call back.  When I gave her my phone number, I remember that she didn’t believe me.

I’ve lost the details of what happened between that call and my first meeting.  I know it was a few days away from the call.  I know I had a babysitting job, and Isabel covered that for me so I could go to the meeting.  Among the things I didn’t know at that time was the fact that there are AA meetings all over the place all the time.  I often wonder, when someone talks about being directed to a meeting by the answering service, why they are sent to meetings that are days away rather than as soon as possible.

My first meeting took place in the church pictured above.  It was in April of 1979, about a month before my 17th birthday.  I walked into that church drunk.  I couldn’t handle an AA meeting sober!  There was a greeter there, George.  He was an old guy, and he had the greeting job for years until he died.  I remember being at an anniversary celebration for that group after George died, and his wife attended in honor of him.  She was tall, German, all dressed in black.

That church had several meetings going on at once.  There was a beginners AA and several alanon or alateen meetings.  I went to the beginners in the church library.  After the meeting got going, the smoke was so thick you couldn’t see the other side of the room.  Washing ashtrays was a newcomer job, and it wasn’t a small job at all.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t say much at that meeting.  Some of the friendliest people turned out to be some of the flakiest.  But basically, everyone was very nice, and when I told them of my drinking problem, they told me they understood.  And I believed them, I believed that they did understand.  I never lost that belief.  I hold this as one of the keys to my long time sobriety.

I was surprised to see old people there.  I thought that all alcoholics were like my father, and I didn’t understand how they could live that long and be alcoholic.  I was surprised that AA practiced abstinence.  I was probably disappointed.

I talked to people, got phone numbers, got a sponsor.  Not at that first meeting, but at one of the first.  I drank a few times after getting a few days strung together.  One “slip” I recall happened after I took cough medicine.  It’s a trigger!  It made me drink!!  I began counting days on a calender.

So I got a shaky start on my lifetime of AA.  By the time it was my 17th birthday, I had begun what would be 18 months of continuous sobriety.

I’m not in the clear just yet, but almost.  My blood work came back good, with perfect (brag) thyroid and lots of good hemoglobin.  But no menopause.  This I don’t understand, but I’m interested enough to look into it, so I will continue to not understand.

Endometrial biopsy Monday.  The doctor called with the results this morning.  No sign of cancer or precancerous cells.  Today I had the ultrasound.  Although I have heard they’re not supposed to tell you anything, the tech did tell me that everything looks fine.  As far as I know, that is that.  Next Monday I have a mammogram, and that’s where I usually expect the trouble to be.  There or in my lungs.  I’m an ex smoker.

I will have to reflect on this experience and some of the issues it has brought up.  One has to do with medication.  My doctor keeps suggesting birth control pills to give me a regular period.  Well, I don’t want a regular period, nor do I want to take drugs unless I need them to be well.  But that’s a topic for another time.  For today I have to set about being relieved at least of the burden of that kind of fear, for today.

	This and this alone is true religion: To serve thy brethren.This is sin above all other sin: To harm thy brethren.In such faith is happiness. In lack of it is misery and pain.Blessed be he who swerveth not aside from this straight path.Blessed is he whose life is lived thus ceaselessly in serving God. Bearing others’ burdens and so alone is life, true life, to be attained. Nothing is hard to him who, casting self aside, thinks only this: How may I serve my fellow man? tulsidas - 16th century
Translation by Mahatma Gandhi.
www.worldprayers.org

The picture is of a tombstone. A tree has grown up around it. It’s at an institution that closed in 1984 and is now mostly all gone. People who died at the institution and whose bodies were not claimed got buried there, and their tombstones bore numbers, not names.

In my work, I support many people who spent times in institutions. Some can even tell me about it. Honestly institutions fascinate me. Aside from the spooky aspect of the disused buildings (which I like to call modern ruins), something about the large scale operations of being the entire universe for lots of people interests me. I am very much against institutionalization in theory and in practice, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be in one. Still I can see why some people do want to be in one, and why some parents prefer this for their children who can’t be independent.

I’ve been inside two functioning institutions. I went several times to visit folks who were in the process of moving out, so that when they were relocated to the community, they might remember me as a friendly face, and so I could prepare as thoroughly as possible to meet their needs once out. One of the places I visited was (is) gorgeous. It has beautiful grounds, stately buildings, beautiful old trees. It has out buildings from when the superintendent lived on the site. In its day it had a greenhouse, a dairy, farming, a woodshop, a pool. Now it has lots of gorgeous grounds and very nice buildings, along with some people who still live there and some staff people who work there.

This is a long and round about way for me to try to put words or pictures to something I live. It is not because I’m virtuous that I do this. This is one of times, like when I say how much sobriety I have or what my son’s IQ is, that it’s hard to just state things without sounding (to me) like I’m bragging. I try to go about it quietly, and most of the time I can. Here, though, I’m trying to articulate what a life time of AA has given me, and how I practice these principles in all my affairs.

My mother did this work since I was five. She took me to work often, so I grew up with it. People with disabilities made impressions on my developing mind. That has created for me a comfort zone I don’t want to leave. I don’t know if that’s virtuous, lazy, frightened or just boring. Maybe it’s all those things. One huge fact of my existence is that I (hate) don’t like change. My mother gave me my first real job. I stayed with that job until I had to find another in order to move several hundred miles to live with Carole. I found a similar job, and I’m still doing it.

So OK, it may be an expression of my character defects that keeps me there. I have no doubt that is part of it. But so that I don’t engage in too much pride in reverse here, I will get on to the other side of it. The other side is trying to be of service to God and my fellow human beings. Those words are from the AA literature, and they tell me what it is I am supposed to build as the foundation of my life. When I’m at work, it’s hardly ever a question whether or not I’m doing the right thing. I’m taking care of people, sometimes in the way the Bible describes when it says, for instance, to give a drink of water to someone who is thirsty. It can be that elemental.

It all fits with my religion. Not that I fit with my religion. I’ll have to get back to that another time, but for now I’ll explain that I was raised Evangelical Lutheran. It surprises me at times that people don’t always know what that is. At this time, “evangelical” means to some people, “conservative.” But that is backwards as far as Lutherans in America right now. This is the liberal branch of the church, and my church had a woman pastor student when I was in elementary school. Our pastor performs same sex ceremonies in the church, and Carole and I had one there in 2005.

A main thrust of the church is to take care of others who are less able, or less fortunate, or in trouble, and my work fits perfectly. It also pays terribly, making it all the more virtuous.

I mean these things sincerely. I have been doing this work for around 15 years, and it’s mostly been wonderful. Being happy with it has given me an awesome quality of life. Sometimes I think that if I had to do some work I didn’t like, I wouldn’t be able to do it. And that is not to put down people who do difficult jobs.

In AA, helping others very often refers to helping newcomers, and that is most important kind of help that we can give. I’ve taken it to a broader stage in my life, and I do believe that it is the most important thing. I don’t know if I’ve done this because it’s comfortable and familiar, or if AA has influenced me so much as to be the reason I do it. “Nothing is hard” says the prayer I’ve inserted up there. One thing I’ve always loved about my work is the therapeutic effect it can have on me when I realize that hours have gone by, and I haven’t worried about the thing I’m worried about in all that time.

I know nothing about the person beneath that numbered stone. I know that I have stood at graves and mourned loved ones. I know that in 100 years, there’s no one living who remembers the dead first hand. I know that person has caused me and probably many others to pause and consider how we treat people who are vulnerable to us.

Let’s dispose of what appears to be a hazardous open end we have left. It is suggested that we ought to become entirely willing to aim toward perfection. We note that some delay, however, might be pardoned. That word, in the mind of the rationalizing alcoholic, could certainly be given a long-term meaning. He could say, “How very easy! Sure, I’ll head toward perfection, but I’m certainly not going to hurry any. Maybe I can postpone dealing with some of my problems indefinitely.” Of course, this won’t do. Such a bluffing of oneself will have to go the way of many another pleasant rationalization.

I find it interesting that here, character defects are synonymous with problems. At any point in life, most of us could probably list our problems at any given moment. We have health problems and money problems and work problems and relationships problems, problems with our pets, our houses, our hobbies, our mind. I’m coming to understand more fully that the external details of my life, the good details and the bad details, are separate from the problems that lie within me, my character defects. Surely these act together to make me who I am at any given time. And I can change and effect some of my external details, things like where I work, where I live, and how I take care of my body. Other things are beyond my control and with these it is my attitude and outlook that I can work on changing.

I was looking back at what I had written so far this month, and I see that before I knew about my upcoming uterine biopsy I already reflected that maybe I won’t be at Disney ever again. I know it’s not important. If I go to Disney again, I’ll be different, the other people will be different, and Disney will be different. You can’t step in the same stream twice.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. My immediate reaction to this section of the sixth step is twofold. One, I wonder how much it was watered down in order to become palatable to prospective AAs. I think that some of this was written with that in mind, not scaring people away. Again, it is interesting to conjecture but I will never be able to answer this question. The book says what it says. I’m not so far away from the time that it was written that I can’t easily understand the language.

Second, I wonder that I or anyone would want to indefinitely postpone dealing with character defects, or, if you rather, problems.

I remember my reaction at first when I saw this step and thought I could not, would not ever heal that relationship, so I couldn’t work the step. The next time I approached the step in a more formal way, and with more experience and humility, understood that the character defect that lead me to have a relationship I’m unwilling to heal is, to quote Dr. Seuss, “big and deep and tall.”

For me, the hazardous open end closed over time, really as a result of my better understanding. My opinion only, but I don’t think a person will make it over the long time wanting to postpone dealing with these indefinitely.

So very many things about living in the “now” come up when I’m frightened about something like a medical test. I started looking through my pictures to find one that might illustrate something about this predicament. My pictures folder is filled with pictures of my pets, and pictures of the people I work with, many of whom have severe intellectual disabilities. One of the things I contemplate about living in the now is that many of these beings, the pets and the people, don’t worry about dying or being sick or disabled.

Now I should explain that I cannot profess to really know what any person (or animal for that matter) thinks about. It’s an extremely important concept to keep in mind that all people have to be respected fully, no matter what their abilities or disabilities are, and we have to assume that each and every one has every thought and feeling that all others do, too. And of course living things from people to pets to bugs fight death and try not to die.

This picture is the view out of the front of my house to the church across the street. This is the church where Carole and I and her sponsee started our meeting. The congregation is more than 100 years old, and the building is getting there too. I love old things, buildings and antiques. I think if I had to start a career completely unrelated to what I do now, I would go into historical preservation. You can see the lighted cross in this view, and I see that every time I look out my bedroom window, unless there’s very thick fog.

I wonder about the other people who have looked at this view through the years. I wonder about the people who founded the church and built the church and attended the church. I wonder about all the thoughts and prayers and words that have gone on in that building. So many of those people have died.

I understand that all I have is now. It’s false to think that I know what will happen in any case. Lightening could strike my house now and kill me. I may survive many medical situations or other life threatening catastrophes. From what I understand of the program regarding things like this, there is a universal vulnerability to being human, and ultimately the more I accept that, the more serene I will be. Also I understand from the program that each and every day I’ve had since my first day of sobriety has been extra, a gift, something I did not earn or deserve, something many other people fail to receive. I am so privileged among people to be healthy, to have enough money and material possessions, to have children and pets and a home and a spouse and a career.

I really love my life, and I selfishly want another 46 years. I realize that I am right here right now, today, and I’m grateful.

Alcohol worked for me for a very short time. I set out to be slightly drunk all the time. I liked that much better than being stone cold sober. Doesn’t everyone?

I had a few experiences where I enjoyed the effect of a little alcohol. Then quickly, very quickly, I regularly began going too far. Then I went too far every time.

It would go, for example, like this. Home in my room after school (I was in 11th grade), I would begin drinking and plan to get buzzed and do my homework. I would drink a bit, watch TV a bit, and mean to work. Then I would think that the alcohol wasn’t hitting me fast enough, I must not have taken enough. Then I would drink more. Then the room would spin. Then I would call someone in an emotional pit.  I might write something goopy on my typewriter.  Often, when I would lay down, I would get the spins.  At times when this didn’t quit, I would try to go with it and not open my eyes.  I remember the sensation of being on a tipping axis, skipping there like a record (vinyl).  I would pass out.  Lots of nights I woke up or came to in the middle of the night, parched and dehydrated.  I remember the sensation of getting cold water in the kitchen and drinking and drinking.

At one point I wrote a sappy description of all this and asked my psychology teacher to comment.  He said I was in danger of becoming an alcoholic.  Another time I had a vivid dream I asked him about.  I dreamed that I was at my grandparents’ summer house where I spent all my summers growing up, and where I largely stopped going as a teenager.  Most of my mother’s family would go there on and off all summer.  I was in the rowboat, not far away from the dock.  There was a girl with dark hair (my hair was fairly light) just beneath the water.  I reached in to grab her, but I couldn’t reach her.  Her body would shift away from me on the slight current my reach had caused.  I maneuvered the boat and  tried and tried, but I couldn’t get her. The psychology teacher told me that both girls were me, the one in the boat and the one in the water, and that I was trying to save myself.

I’ve commented before (OK, I’ve complained) that more and more often these days, I have the most time in the room when I’m at an AA meeting.  This problem will only get worse.  I’ve also been in a bit of an oldtimer funk, and that’s actually why I started this blog, among other reasons.  I know that many of the people who got sober with me and before me have died, they’ve gotten drunk, they’ve stopped going to meetings.  However, I also guess many of them are around, but they go to day time meetings.  They are retired, and/or they may have issues with driving at night or being out at night.  Maybe they congregate to be with more of their own kind.

If all goes according to plan, and if it’s God will (blah, blah), I’ve got about 20 working years ahead of me at least.  And the work that I choose to do happens mostly in the day time.

I had a doctor’s appointment today, so I took the opportunity to work from home and go to a day meeting.  Lots of what I do also takes place on the computer, and that part could theoretically be done anywhere at any time.  First, at the doctor’s, the doctor told me that what I hope are mild signs of an approaching menopause could be cancer.  She doesn’t think that it is cancer, but she sent me for three more tests to make sure.  As I was telling Carole, tests to make sure things aren’t cancer will probably be more and more frequent as we get older, if we are lucky.  I had a blood test today, to see if there are any menopausal hormones in my blood.  I need to have a sonogram and a biopsy (OW) along with the usual mammogram (which probably won’t be such an ow after the biopsy).   The doctor told me that for my age, the risk of uterine cancer is 5%.  I don’t quite understand that, since does that mean that 5% of 46 year olds have uterine cancer?  Doesn’t seem right.  Regardless, I think she meant the risk is there, but it’s small.  It doesn’t matter in the long run since I have it, or I don’t.  No gray area here.

But, it’s frightening.  Aside from all the regular reasons why this is frightening, Carole’s mother died from this, and it was awful.  So, of course I resolve to eat better and exercise more and not ingest so much artificial sweetener.  Really.  Even if I’m fine.  Because I really like being alive, and I want to continue as long as I can.

AND I resolve to enjoy life more and let little things pass and be grateful upon grateful for my buckets of blessings.  No matter what the outcome of this is.

After the doctor and the blood test, I went to a meeting.  Just as I expected, there were a few oldtimers there.  Although this meeting is nearby, I didn’t know anyone there well, and I only knew a few people by sight.  I think it really is true that lots of people go in the day, or at night, but not both.  There was a woman there who has 34 years, 10 more than me.  Others had more than 10, 15 or 20.  There were also some newcomers.

The topic was taking other people’s inventories.  In my opinion, the level of discourse was different.  I truly think that the presence of the oldtimers raised the discussion, at times, to a higher level than the usual basic stuff we say about this topic.  After everyone had had a chance to speak, there was still time, and some people spoke again.  During the whole meeting I had thought on and off about speaking about my desire to start an oldtimer’s meeting, but I didn’t say anything.  Then, with still some time left, the chair person asked if we would quickly comment on complacency.  Finally, I said something about the problems of oldtimers and the idea of the meeting.  One person took the CD I had brought, and another took my name and number and email.  They both reacted very positively, and the more I share about it, the more I know there is a need for this thing.

Honestly, I wish someone else would start it.  I’d like to just attend it.  I cannot leave my home group, because we only have a very few members, and I don’t want to leave it.  I wish someone with more time (retired, maybe?) would do it.  And someone may.  I think it will work best with an actual meeting.  If that doesn’t work out, I’m personally more dedicated to interacting regularly with people who have more time than I have.  It’s fairly easy for me to take a day off to attend a day time meeting.

I also wish those oldtimers would attend night meetings some times, if for no other reason than to show the people there that people can achieve 34 years and be happy about it.

It was interesting being at that meeting with my health scare on my mind.  I was in the zone where I was loving life, loving AA, loving being there, and wanting to show up, retired one day, with 44 years of sobriety to share.

My work prayer of the moment goes something like this: Let all I say and all I think be in harmony with Thee, God within me, God beyond me, maker of the trees.

I had many occasions to pull it out today. So many I think I memorized it, though of course it is very short. I continue to struggle with my work partner, Irene, almost on a daily basis. I get frustrated with her and she gets frustrated with me and when we can’t be in harmony, it feels terrible. We’ve had a long and strong relationship, and because of that I feel myself being constantly pulled back into a loving harmony with her, and I think and hope she feels the same. I don’t think I personally would struggle so with someone who didn’t matter very much to me.

There are reasons I like and can apply the prayer. All I say represents to me what I put out to the world, words as well as actions. All I think is my inner workings. Thoughts come involuntarily, but they are also voluntary and the more I practice, the better they will be. . . . be in harmony with Thee. This is my ideal, having my actions and thoughts aligned with God, doing God’s will. God within me reminds me that I am part of this higher power, that I can draw on it anytime because it is part of me. God beyond me reminds me that the higher power is also beyond me physically as well as mentally. It resides in every other person and perhaps beyond all people as well. Maker of the trees is almost quirky. I just quoted the “only God can make a tree” thing recently. There is a force beyond me that has made the trees and everything else.

So. I don’t really know how much I help myself with all this prayer, memorization and reflection. I have to think about how this differs from going over and over and over any slight I feel I have received. I seek to be lifted to a new level of serenity, humility and understanding.

Looking again at those defects we are still unwilling to give up, we ought to erase the hard-and-fast lines that we have drawn. Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, “This I cannot give up yet . . . ,” but we should not say to ourselves, “This I will never give up!”

A long time ago, I thought of this in terms of someone I was unwilling to talk to. There’s a relationship I was pretty sure I would never be willing to mend, so I thought I would never, ever, be able to do the sixth step. More recently, I heard a newcomer voice this very thing. This person said he is unwilling and unable to forgive two family members. He expressed that he actually hates these people. And so, he concluded he therefore couldn’t do any of the steps.

What is the defect at play here? I honestly don’t know. I see pride, obstinance*, and a severe lack of love and grace. In other places in the literature, I know we are said to sometimes defy God, and to be defiant. We are resistant, and we resist what is given to us, and what we know to be best. These are the common characteristics of children, adolescents and teenagers.

I gave up “no, never,” a long time ago. There are few things I’d even be tempted to use those words about regarding myself and what I’m willing and able to do. The way this concept resonates for me at this point is to substitute and say, “Looking again at those defects we are still struggling with after years of effort . . . In some cases we will say, “This I haven’t conquered yet.”

I understand that it is life long, and that I will never reach the ideal. I understand that I have to be willing to continue to really try. I understand that if I lose my willingness over any appreciable amount of time, I will regress, and worse. I understand that my rewards are proportionate to the effort I put forth. I understand that the rewards are beyond what I can imagine I would want for my life.

I’ve reached these conclusions by the evidence I see in my own life, and in the lives of others.  When I was able to stop drinking, I understood that it was abstinence or death.  When the urge to drink was mostly out of the way, I understood that it was grow by working the program, or be miserable.  I will look again at those defects that I still struggle with, and I will attack and examine them with renewed effort.

*The browser spell check did not like the word obstinance, so I went to an online dictionary to see if it is a word and if I’d spelled it properly. The ads that were generated for that dictionary page asked, “Defiant? Poor grades? Defiant child?” To that I say yes, no, and yes.

After all these years, I admit I don’t meditate in a formal fashion. Prayer and meditation is something I am going to spend renewed effort on now. I’ve been doing the prayer thing at work, and that’s good. To summarize, I printed up a few “new” prayers from http://www.worldprayers.org/ and I try to read and write them in order to memorize them. I do this at lunch time (I really don’t have a lunch break) and sometimes during difficult meetings. I know I’m learning the prayers, but I’m not doing it well or quickly. I also read an AA meditation book first thing every morning at work. I keep it where I stow my cell phone, so it’s something I don’t forget to do ever. I also have longer meditations, poems and sayings I’ve collected, and I hang one over my desk each week and try to reread it, contemplate it and apply it to my week. The nature of these things is such that they all apply to so many situations. I try to concentrate on one at a time as it applies to my work week or my home week. In this way I learn it better and incorporate it more over time.

At home, I have a flipping photo thingy from when I was in junior high. Instead of photos, I inserted short sayings and poems that appeal to me. I flip it weekly, and try to contemplate the saying there through the week. I have a Christian meditation book I try to read each morning. I have other AA-inspired meditation books I’ve read at different times. Right now, As Bill Sees It is in the bathroom.

I want to start the prayer thing at home as well as at work, and I think I’d like to work on it and do it as part of this blog.

Before I start with the prayer today, though, I want to expand a bit on what Hillary said and why I like it and how I’ll use it. She said

When you hear people saying or think to yourself, If only, or, What if, I say, please, don’t go there. Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward.

Life is too short, time is too precious, and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been. We have to work together for what still can be.

This applies to all of my situations, of course, but it resonated most strongly for me with regard to my work situation. Briefly, I lost a boss who meant a great deal to me at work. Henceforth she will be known here as Edith. She tried hard to do good things for my workplace, but for various reasons (and I surely don’t know them all) she was not able to continue. I miss her there daily. Outside of work, she’s become a friend, so I lost her in the work capacity only. My work partner and friend, Irene, has come back to work with me after a time away. Irene often, probably several times a day, mentions one or another thing that is wrong with our program, and these are all things that Edith was taking care of. If only weighs on my mind often.

Of course I know the concept of not looking back, either to regret or to celebrate. All that takes time away from today. Hillary said it in a way I was able to heart right now (That is a Freudian typo that I’m going to leave.  Of course I meant HEAR). That’s added to by my highly emotional state over Hillary’s campaign. So I’ll write these words down for my rotating meditations, at home and at work, and try to learn them and live them.

As to prayer, I’ve chose a new one for home, and I’ll record it hear and try to learn it here.

Holy Spirit,
Giving life to all life,
Moving all creatures,
Root of all things,
Washing them clean,
Wiping out their mistakes,
Healing their wounds,
You are our true life,
Luminous, wonderful,
Awakening the heart from its ancient sleep.

hildegarde of bingen - 12 century

This appeals to me because it seems basic, as in bringing me back to the base of things, which is God.