Don’t Drink and Don’t Die

The moment we say, “No, never!” our minds close against the grace of God. Delay is dangerous, and rebellion may be fatal. This is the exact point at which we abandon limited objectives, and move toward God’s will for us.

And that’s it, that’s the end of Step Six in the Twelve and Twelve.

I won’t, can’t, don’t say no never to anything AA has to offer. I have every character defect every other person has, to my own unique degrees. I have come far in dealing with the things that I did that were very wrong when I was drinking. I have given up the thought that there might be character defects I will never deal with, and will always engage in. I understand that my character defects block me from God’s grace, which is the good things in life that God would give me, if I could receive them.

As much as is humanly possible for me right now, I say that I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

At the very least, we shall have to come to grips with some of our worst character defects and take action toward their removal as quickly as we can.

I’m a little alarmed to note that I have just one paragraph remaining in Step Six. Just a little though. I do feel that I’ve made progress and increased my understanding and increased my practice of the step.

I wrote before that I think every person has every human character defect there is, just to an individual extent. It reminds me of an expression I heard often when I first came in. “If you sober up a horse thief, all you will have is a sober horse thief.” Horse thieves! They weren’t plentiful, even back in the 70s. Along the same lines is the saying “the drunk who brought you in here will take you out.” The essence of these is that if we don’t change ourselves, we will just continue our bad behavior, or we will drink, or both.

It’s precious to me that there lies the solution to my life’s problems. Not that any are solved or leave completely, but that I will continue to grow in my ability to handle them if I work the steps. If I don’t, I will drink.

One immediate benefit I found in the program was that without drinking, for some reason, I didn’t lie. Drunk, I lied, even when the truth would have been better. So that kind of dishonestly left for me very quickly. And of course it needed to. I couldn’t have continued on, sober, if I was lying all the time.

I like the metaphor of “coming to grips with.” If I can grip them, maybe I can control them, rather than having them control me. My worst character defects are now what they were then. I think they are headed by fear, then come selfishness and selfcenteredness, sloth, anger, jealousy. I feared everything so much when I was newly sober. The support of AA has lessened that substantially.

A few months ago, at work, my boss’ boss’ boss commented to me to not be so afraid all the time. Now work is one area I feel pretty confident in, if only because by the grace of Carole I don’t need the job. And I did interact with this man around some very emotional and difficult situations. Still, I was surprised that I still give off that fear vibe so strongly that someone who doesn’t know me can read it.

I’m still taking action toward their removal, and this part of it. Again, I’d love to be further down this road at this point. Now I’m paying attention and actively trying.

Let’s dispose of what appears to be a hazardous open end we have left. It is suggested that we ought to become entirely willing to aim toward perfection. We note that some delay, however, might be pardoned. That word, in the mind of the rationalizing alcoholic, could certainly be given a long-term meaning. He could say, “How very easy! Sure, I’ll head toward perfection, but I’m certainly not going to hurry any. Maybe I can postpone dealing with some of my problems indefinitely.” Of course, this won’t do. Such a bluffing of oneself will have to go the way of many another pleasant rationalization.

I find it interesting that here, character defects are synonymous with problems. At any point in life, most of us could probably list our problems at any given moment. We have health problems and money problems and work problems and relationships problems, problems with our pets, our houses, our hobbies, our mind. I’m coming to understand more fully that the external details of my life, the good details and the bad details, are separate from the problems that lie within me, my character defects. Surely these act together to make me who I am at any given time. And I can change and effect some of my external details, things like where I work, where I live, and how I take care of my body. Other things are beyond my control and with these it is my attitude and outlook that I can work on changing.

I was looking back at what I had written so far this month, and I see that before I knew about my upcoming uterine biopsy I already reflected that maybe I won’t be at Disney ever again. I know it’s not important. If I go to Disney again, I’ll be different, the other people will be different, and Disney will be different. You can’t step in the same stream twice.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. My immediate reaction to this section of the sixth step is twofold. One, I wonder how much it was watered down in order to become palatable to prospective AAs. I think that some of this was written with that in mind, not scaring people away. Again, it is interesting to conjecture but I will never be able to answer this question. The book says what it says. I’m not so far away from the time that it was written that I can’t easily understand the language.

Second, I wonder that I or anyone would want to indefinitely postpone dealing with character defects, or, if you rather, problems.

I remember my reaction at first when I saw this step and thought I could not, would not ever heal that relationship, so I couldn’t work the step. The next time I approached the step in a more formal way, and with more experience and humility, understood that the character defect that lead me to have a relationship I’m unwilling to heal is, to quote Dr. Seuss, “big and deep and tall.”

For me, the hazardous open end closed over time, really as a result of my better understanding. My opinion only, but I don’t think a person will make it over the long time wanting to postpone dealing with these indefinitely.

Looking again at those defects we are still unwilling to give up, we ought to erase the hard-and-fast lines that we have drawn. Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, “This I cannot give up yet . . . ,” but we should not say to ourselves, “This I will never give up!”

A long time ago, I thought of this in terms of someone I was unwilling to talk to. There’s a relationship I was pretty sure I would never be willing to mend, so I thought I would never, ever, be able to do the sixth step. More recently, I heard a newcomer voice this very thing. This person said he is unwilling and unable to forgive two family members. He expressed that he actually hates these people. And so, he concluded he therefore couldn’t do any of the steps.

What is the defect at play here? I honestly don’t know. I see pride, obstinance*, and a severe lack of love and grace. In other places in the literature, I know we are said to sometimes defy God, and to be defiant. We are resistant, and we resist what is given to us, and what we know to be best. These are the common characteristics of children, adolescents and teenagers.

I gave up “no, never,” a long time ago. There are few things I’d even be tempted to use those words about regarding myself and what I’m willing and able to do. The way this concept resonates for me at this point is to substitute and say, “Looking again at those defects we are still struggling with after years of effort . . . In some cases we will say, “This I haven’t conquered yet.”

I understand that it is life long, and that I will never reach the ideal. I understand that I have to be willing to continue to really try. I understand that if I lose my willingness over any appreciable amount of time, I will regress, and worse. I understand that my rewards are proportionate to the effort I put forth. I understand that the rewards are beyond what I can imagine I would want for my life.

I’ve reached these conclusions by the evidence I see in my own life, and in the lives of others.  When I was able to stop drinking, I understood that it was abstinence or death.  When the urge to drink was mostly out of the way, I understood that it was grow by working the program, or be miserable.  I will look again at those defects that I still struggle with, and I will attack and examine them with renewed effort.

*The browser spell check did not like the word obstinance, so I went to an online dictionary to see if it is a word and if I’d spelled it properly. The ads that were generated for that dictionary page asked, “Defiant? Poor grades? Defiant child?” To that I say yes, no, and yes.

If we would gain any real advantage in the use of this Step on problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness. We shall need to raise our eyes toward perfection, and be ready to walk in that direction. It will seldom matter how haltingly we walk. The only question will be “Are we ready?”

I hope I’m taking a new venture into open-mindedness. I was actually just contemplating the time it takes me to do this, this being working on my program at a new level. The work I’m doing involves writing here, which I really enjoy. Always a good thing when you enjoy your work. I’ve been going to more meetings. More for me is usually two, sometimes three a week. I’ve made an effort to speak up at the meetings. I would say that most of time, in the past, I’ve passed my turn. I made copies of the CD of oldtimer stories and I’ve given one to two people, asking them if they would be interested in starting and oldtimer’s meeting.

Why do the work? It is often boring, time consuming and hard. I absolutely don’t want my life to be centered on something negative and have lots of my time dedicated to hard work. Maybe oldtimers often feel this way. When people are new, they have to work hard at it in order to get it. Now that it’s been gotten, it has become more a natural part of my life rather than something to work hard at.

It’s the real advantage cited in the step that I’m after. I know that any work I put into AA has always been worth it. Still, at the bottom of it, I am that person who needs to work it or die. And even if I could not work it and live, I desire more of the benefits of program, and I have to work to get the results.

A new idea that’s come into my newly opened mind is to consider my difficulties in the light of desires and instincts with oppose the grace of God. For a long time I’ve understood the concept of having the ideal and aiming for the ideal. I’ve also understood the 12 Steps to be a road map to the ideal. I’ve been thinking about this and writing about this for a few months, but I have yet to really apply it in the moment when I’m distressed. So it’s all in retrospect, and there’s not even a lot of that.

Am I ready? I believe that I am, mostly.

Many will at once ask, “How can we accept the entire implication of Step Six? Why–that is perfection!” This sounds like a hard question, but practically speaking, it isn’t. Only Step One, where we made 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection. The remaining eleven Steps state perfect ideals. They are goals toward which we look, and the measuring sticks by which we estimate our progress. Seen in this light, Step Six is still difficult, but not at all impossible. The only urgent thing is that we make a beginning, and keep trying.

One of the things I’ve been able to appreciate and articulate for years is the fact that I see the Twelve Steps as a plan. A map. Guidelines. They state ideals to me, meaning they tell me what I’m aiming to get closer and closer to all the time. They tell me I won’t ever make it all the way there. That’s not my objective and it’s useless to aim for that. Really, most of the time I make a 100 percent admission that I am powerless over alcohol, especially at this late day in my sobriety. But there have been times through the years when my admission was less than 100 percent. Luckily, thankfully, I’ve been able to hold on and get through those times without picking up.

I luck out in another way. It states that it’s urgent that we make a beginning and keep trying. I did not do this in the past. I didn’t do a complete and formal fourth step until I had five years sober. After that fifth step, I declared myself to be on Step Six until ……… I don’t even know until when. My wife and I took a trip to Akron to see the old AA landmarks, and I asked her to take my picture on the sixth step of Dr. Bob’s house, because that’s where I live, on the sixth step. That had to be approximately ten years after my first fifth step, and several years after my second fifth step. And I didn’t spend all those intervening years trying constantly either. And once again, I have to say this is not a good example to follow. I’m lucky that I lasted long enough to come around to this.

So now I’m wondering about this. Is all this thinking and writing that I’ve been doing on the sixth step enough to call it a go this time? Am I done, for now? Have I made progress?

I’ve gained some new insights over these months of considering the sixth step. I understand that I have every human character defect to some degree, that we all do. I understand that I have to consider mine daily. I understand that when something is disturbing me greatly, my character defects are the reason for my disturbance.

I’m wondering if and how knowing these things and accepting these things and examining these things makes possible a lessening of my defects.

I never quite thought of this in terms of instincts and desires that oppose the grace of God. My instincts and desires are human and fine in their own way. It’s the excess that brings pain, and it usually is demanding more than my fair share of something. One of the meditation books I read had as today’s thought something having to do with this - I have everything I need. And today, I truly do.

Here are some of the terms people put into search engines that brought them to this blog:

sixth step, aa sixth step, resentment 12-steps, step six aa, how do i work the 6th step in aa?, what is the sixth step about? I hope my writings so far have helped someone get a little further along with the sixth step. Clicking that category isolates those posts from the others. After I’ve finished with the step in this way, I intend to research a bit what others have written.

my father and my mother Not that my mother ever would read this, but I think I’ve crossed the line of where I could let her read it. Too hurtful at this point. I feel bad about that, and I felt bad about it, but not quite so bad as I did before she told my wife what a terrible mother I was to my daughter. I hope the person searching that gained something from my experience, but I know there are far far worse parents out there than the two I had and have.

my story about experience This one baffles me a bit. I’m telling my story and it is about my experience. Hope this person wasn’t looking for something sexy.

how many people die a a year The double “a” seems to be a typo. Or, is it asking how many people during an “a” year? What’s an “a” year, and how can I have one?

aa meetings in new york They rock! We’ve started one in our area that uses the New York format.

friends who don’t drink In my opinion, these are the best kinds of friends. It’s interesting to see if you like to spend together once drugs are removed.

90 meetings in 90 days aa Do it, do it, oh please just do it! I’m shocked and bit frightened by the reluctance some people have to do this. There was time to drink every day, wasn’t there? When I started AA I did not view this as optional, and I’m so glad. This establishes you in AA, fills your time at first when all you’ve known in active alcoholism, helps you make sober friends. My cynical brain says someone searched this term to find a way out of doing this. Just go!

I am gay So am I!

paralyzed by sloth So am I!

Nearly anyone could submit a good list of such defects as these, and few of us would seriously think of giving them up, at least until they cause us excessive misery.

Some people, of course, may conclude that they are indeed ready to have all such defects taken from them. But even these people, if they construct a list of still milder defects, will be obliged to admit that they prefer to hang on to some of them. Therefore, it seems plain that few of us can quickly or easily become ready to aim at spiritual and moral perfection; we want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life, according, of course, to our various and sundry ideas of what will get us by. So the difference between “the men and the boys” is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and for the perfect objective which is of God.

A list of such defects as these refers to those mentioned previously: procrastination, envy, gluttony, anger and self-righteous anger, lust, greed, feeling superior. I have come to understand that every human person suffers from every human failing at some level. The perfect objective, which is of God, would I guess be a totally loving and giving person, someone who worked at capacity with no wrongful sense of self at all.

Why does pondering this and doing this enable people (like me) to stay sober? I don’t really like the word or concept of shame. I find we are certainly ashamed of our humanness, body and desires. When we’ve done something wrong or selfish we feel ashamed. It’s interesting to me that some senses of the meanings of shame have to do with disgrace. The step has told me that my instincts and desires, when they are harmful and hurtful, oppose the grace of God.

There are things I guess I’m not ready to give up. At this moment, I’m angry. I had a fight with Carole (which will be my wife’s pseudonym for this blog). Details aren’t important, but we’re going through the adjustment again of the kids moving home from school for the summer, or in my daughter’s case till she finds a job and can support herself. This transition is difficult for people all over the world. The way in which we keep tripping up is plain to me so far as Carole’s role is involved. I’ve understood for years that when I feel the anger, I am to examine my part, forgive her her part, thank her if she’s pointed out something genuinely lacking in me, forgive her if she’s not justified, understanding that she is also sick and often wrong, that I am also sick and often wrong.

Why can’t I do it consistently and well? I don’t think it would be fair to say I don’t do it at all. But I don’t do it consistently or well. My self-determined objective is probably to change her as much as I can (which AA has taught me is not at all), and get rid of my anger as quickly as possible in that it ruins my day and big chunks of my life. The perfect objective, which is of God, would be for me to be as nice and gentle and accommodating and enlightening, patient, loyal, true and strong ……….. This doesn’t mesh with my understanding of how to be most useful to everyone involved in this situation, and I’m going to have to revisit this.

I just had to come back, as I sit and hear (but not listen to) Obama talk about his victory in North Carolina.  We have been supporting Hillary Clinton in a big way.  Lots of time and money has gone into this, and I don’t know how I’d feel about Obama had he not been against her.  I’m a Democrat, never a question about that.  As all this unfolds and I know I’ve witnessed a historical event I could not have imagined (it is telling that Firefox’s spell check recognizes her name but not his), my thoughts and my heart go back to if only. If only she had not run against him, if only she could have a turn first, if only (insert random wonky detail from the primaries) had not taken place.

Instincts and desires which oppose the grace of God.  Time to grow (yet again).

Consider, too, our talents for procrastination, which is really sloth in five syllables.

Oh this is me this is me this is me this is me! I have tortured myself with procrastination!

I see two sides to this. I know people who seem obsessive about getting things done that must be done, and they do it at the earliest possible second, obsessively. They can seem a bit frantic to me. Just now, trying to imagine what that is like, I’m wondering if there’s a time each day when they have done all they can do - paid bills, done their work (whatever kind of homework that may entail), cleaned what was to be clean.

And writing that, I realize that the people I know fairly well who fall into this category are truly not usually on time or ahead with everything. As I was just writing, my wife asked me if I had heard back from my cousin via email. He emailed me several days ago with a political position that was disturbing to us, and I had said to her that I was going to try to gently lead him in the way (we think) he should go. So she just asked me if I’ve heard back from but actually, I haven’t replied to his email in order for me to hear back. If I replied to all my email the day I got it, or the next day, how would that work?

But well I got derailed pretty well with that! I put off what I don’t want to face. I hate the mail, I hate paying bills, I hate shopping, and I will put all of these off until past the last possible minute. In the house we lived in prior to this one, I had the dining room table FILLED with papers from the mail. Now to be fair, I was often taking care of the paper of three people - myself and my two kids. But I would put off touching the stuff until a few times a year we needed the table, then I’d see that I hadn’t needed this or that paper in all that time. I should say I’m not ever late paying bills, I wouldn’t do that. But I’m actually years late in contacting my prepaid legal lawyer to see what’s become of my inheritance, and years late taking my piddly retirement accounts (three!) from my previous job and combining with my current one.

I have made progress. I haven’t destroyed the dining room table in this house with mountains of paper. And …… that may be about it!

I believe it comes up later in the step (and when I wrote this line, I saw with alarm that I am approaching the end of the step, having solved nothing), but of course I could work more diligently on this defect and others like it if I had motivation. I have made some progress in the program with things like this, but not enough.