Don’t Drink and Don’t Die

This is from The Living Bible, 1982.

If I had the gift of being able to speak in other languages without learning them, and could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth, but didn’t love others, I would only be making noise.

If I had the gift of prophecy and knew all about what is going to happen in the future, knew everything about everything, but didn’t love others, what good would it do?

Even if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, I would still be worth nothing at all without love.

If I gave everything I have to poor people, and if I were burned alive for preaching the Gospel but didn’t love others, it would be of no value whatever.

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude.

Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out.

If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.

All the special gifts and powers from God will someday come to an end, but love goes on forever. Someday prophecy and speaking in unknown languages, and special knowledge - all these gifts will disappear. Now we know so little, even with our special gifts, and the preaching of those most gifted is still so poor. But when we have been made perfect and complete, then the need for these inadequate special gifts will come to an end, and they will disappear.

It’s like this: when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I became a man my thoughts grew far beyond those of my childhood and I now I have put away the childish things. In the same way we can see and understand things only a little about God now, as if we were peering at his reflection in a poor mirror, but someday we are going to see him in his completeness, face to face. Now all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now.

There are three things that remain — faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love.

	This and this alone is true religion: To serve thy brethren.This is sin above all other sin: To harm thy brethren.In such faith is happiness. In lack of it is misery and pain.Blessed be he who swerveth not aside from this straight path.Blessed is he whose life is lived thus ceaselessly in serving God. Bearing others’ burdens and so alone is life, true life, to be attained. Nothing is hard to him who, casting self aside, thinks only this: How may I serve my fellow man? tulsidas - 16th century
Translation by Mahatma Gandhi.
www.worldprayers.org

The picture is of a tombstone. A tree has grown up around it. It’s at an institution that closed in 1984 and is now mostly all gone. People who died at the institution and whose bodies were not claimed got buried there, and their tombstones bore numbers, not names.

In my work, I support many people who spent times in institutions. Some can even tell me about it. Honestly institutions fascinate me. Aside from the spooky aspect of the disused buildings (which I like to call modern ruins), something about the large scale operations of being the entire universe for lots of people interests me. I am very much against institutionalization in theory and in practice, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be in one. Still I can see why some people do want to be in one, and why some parents prefer this for their children who can’t be independent.

I’ve been inside two functioning institutions. I went several times to visit folks who were in the process of moving out, so that when they were relocated to the community, they might remember me as a friendly face, and so I could prepare as thoroughly as possible to meet their needs once out. One of the places I visited was (is) gorgeous. It has beautiful grounds, stately buildings, beautiful old trees. It has out buildings from when the superintendent lived on the site. In its day it had a greenhouse, a dairy, farming, a woodshop, a pool. Now it has lots of gorgeous grounds and very nice buildings, along with some people who still live there and some staff people who work there.

This is a long and round about way for me to try to put words or pictures to something I live. It is not because I’m virtuous that I do this. This is one of times, like when I say how much sobriety I have or what my son’s IQ is, that it’s hard to just state things without sounding (to me) like I’m bragging. I try to go about it quietly, and most of the time I can. Here, though, I’m trying to articulate what a life time of AA has given me, and how I practice these principles in all my affairs.

My mother did this work since I was five. She took me to work often, so I grew up with it. People with disabilities made impressions on my developing mind. That has created for me a comfort zone I don’t want to leave. I don’t know if that’s virtuous, lazy, frightened or just boring. Maybe it’s all those things. One huge fact of my existence is that I (hate) don’t like change. My mother gave me my first real job. I stayed with that job until I had to find another in order to move several hundred miles to live with Carole. I found a similar job, and I’m still doing it.

So OK, it may be an expression of my character defects that keeps me there. I have no doubt that is part of it. But so that I don’t engage in too much pride in reverse here, I will get on to the other side of it. The other side is trying to be of service to God and my fellow human beings. Those words are from the AA literature, and they tell me what it is I am supposed to build as the foundation of my life. When I’m at work, it’s hardly ever a question whether or not I’m doing the right thing. I’m taking care of people, sometimes in the way the Bible describes when it says, for instance, to give a drink of water to someone who is thirsty. It can be that elemental.

It all fits with my religion. Not that I fit with my religion. I’ll have to get back to that another time, but for now I’ll explain that I was raised Evangelical Lutheran. It surprises me at times that people don’t always know what that is. At this time, “evangelical” means to some people, “conservative.” But that is backwards as far as Lutherans in America right now. This is the liberal branch of the church, and my church had a woman pastor student when I was in elementary school. Our pastor performs same sex ceremonies in the church, and Carole and I had one there in 2005.

A main thrust of the church is to take care of others who are less able, or less fortunate, or in trouble, and my work fits perfectly. It also pays terribly, making it all the more virtuous.

I mean these things sincerely. I have been doing this work for around 15 years, and it’s mostly been wonderful. Being happy with it has given me an awesome quality of life. Sometimes I think that if I had to do some work I didn’t like, I wouldn’t be able to do it. And that is not to put down people who do difficult jobs.

In AA, helping others very often refers to helping newcomers, and that is most important kind of help that we can give. I’ve taken it to a broader stage in my life, and I do believe that it is the most important thing. I don’t know if I’ve done this because it’s comfortable and familiar, or if AA has influenced me so much as to be the reason I do it. “Nothing is hard” says the prayer I’ve inserted up there. One thing I’ve always loved about my work is the therapeutic effect it can have on me when I realize that hours have gone by, and I haven’t worried about the thing I’m worried about in all that time.

I know nothing about the person beneath that numbered stone. I know that I have stood at graves and mourned loved ones. I know that in 100 years, there’s no one living who remembers the dead first hand. I know that person has caused me and probably many others to pause and consider how we treat people who are vulnerable to us.

My work prayer of the moment goes something like this: Let all I say and all I think be in harmony with Thee, God within me, God beyond me, maker of the trees.

I had many occasions to pull it out today. So many I think I memorized it, though of course it is very short. I continue to struggle with my work partner, Irene, almost on a daily basis. I get frustrated with her and she gets frustrated with me and when we can’t be in harmony, it feels terrible. We’ve had a long and strong relationship, and because of that I feel myself being constantly pulled back into a loving harmony with her, and I think and hope she feels the same. I don’t think I personally would struggle so with someone who didn’t matter very much to me.

There are reasons I like and can apply the prayer. All I say represents to me what I put out to the world, words as well as actions. All I think is my inner workings. Thoughts come involuntarily, but they are also voluntary and the more I practice, the better they will be. . . . be in harmony with Thee. This is my ideal, having my actions and thoughts aligned with God, doing God’s will. God within me reminds me that I am part of this higher power, that I can draw on it anytime because it is part of me. God beyond me reminds me that the higher power is also beyond me physically as well as mentally. It resides in every other person and perhaps beyond all people as well. Maker of the trees is almost quirky. I just quoted the “only God can make a tree” thing recently. There is a force beyond me that has made the trees and everything else.

So. I don’t really know how much I help myself with all this prayer, memorization and reflection. I have to think about how this differs from going over and over and over any slight I feel I have received. I seek to be lifted to a new level of serenity, humility and understanding.

After all these years, I admit I don’t meditate in a formal fashion. Prayer and meditation is something I am going to spend renewed effort on now. I’ve been doing the prayer thing at work, and that’s good. To summarize, I printed up a few “new” prayers from http://www.worldprayers.org/ and I try to read and write them in order to memorize them. I do this at lunch time (I really don’t have a lunch break) and sometimes during difficult meetings. I know I’m learning the prayers, but I’m not doing it well or quickly. I also read an AA meditation book first thing every morning at work. I keep it where I stow my cell phone, so it’s something I don’t forget to do ever. I also have longer meditations, poems and sayings I’ve collected, and I hang one over my desk each week and try to reread it, contemplate it and apply it to my week. The nature of these things is such that they all apply to so many situations. I try to concentrate on one at a time as it applies to my work week or my home week. In this way I learn it better and incorporate it more over time.

At home, I have a flipping photo thingy from when I was in junior high. Instead of photos, I inserted short sayings and poems that appeal to me. I flip it weekly, and try to contemplate the saying there through the week. I have a Christian meditation book I try to read each morning. I have other AA-inspired meditation books I’ve read at different times. Right now, As Bill Sees It is in the bathroom.

I want to start the prayer thing at home as well as at work, and I think I’d like to work on it and do it as part of this blog.

Before I start with the prayer today, though, I want to expand a bit on what Hillary said and why I like it and how I’ll use it. She said

When you hear people saying or think to yourself, If only, or, What if, I say, please, don’t go there. Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward.

Life is too short, time is too precious, and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been. We have to work together for what still can be.

This applies to all of my situations, of course, but it resonated most strongly for me with regard to my work situation. Briefly, I lost a boss who meant a great deal to me at work. Henceforth she will be known here as Edith. She tried hard to do good things for my workplace, but for various reasons (and I surely don’t know them all) she was not able to continue. I miss her there daily. Outside of work, she’s become a friend, so I lost her in the work capacity only. My work partner and friend, Irene, has come back to work with me after a time away. Irene often, probably several times a day, mentions one or another thing that is wrong with our program, and these are all things that Edith was taking care of. If only weighs on my mind often.

Of course I know the concept of not looking back, either to regret or to celebrate. All that takes time away from today. Hillary said it in a way I was able to heart right now (That is a Freudian typo that I’m going to leave.  Of course I meant HEAR). That’s added to by my highly emotional state over Hillary’s campaign. So I’ll write these words down for my rotating meditations, at home and at work, and try to learn them and live them.

As to prayer, I’ve chose a new one for home, and I’ll record it hear and try to learn it here.

Holy Spirit,
Giving life to all life,
Moving all creatures,
Root of all things,
Washing them clean,
Wiping out their mistakes,
Healing their wounds,
You are our true life,
Luminous, wonderful,
Awakening the heart from its ancient sleep.

hildegarde of bingen - 12 century

This appeals to me because it seems basic, as in bringing me back to the base of things, which is God.

If I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I know all knowledge and prophecy all mysteries, and if I have faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And if I offer up my body so I may boast********

This is where I lost it. I’m still trying to memorize it, but I guess I’m not trying very hard.

So, as is my custom, when all else fails I think about following directions. I prayed for the first time on this vacation yesterday, the seventh day of the odyssey. I should know better. I went to one meeting on this vacation on I don’t know which day. I have even put this blog on vacation. Though I’m writing a lot, I left the disciplined format I had developed.

I feel like I have failed at having fun. Now this is nothing new. Which makes it worse. And of course I’ve had fun, tons of it, days of it. Why isn’t it OK to admit that I don’t like vacation? Why isn’t it OK to admit I don’t like heat?

The ultimate ideal, I think, would be to like and be serene in all situations. It would be to recognize and appreciate God’s grace as expressed to me through this vacation. I would really like to get into and love the whole Disney experience. I’ve actually come a short way toward doing that recently by letting go of some of the thoughts I have that involve the evil of Disney. Ideally, I would remain serene in the face of the distress of my family members. I would be the calming, loving example for them to admire and follow. Maybe I’d also accept my humanness.

We went to a show explaining animation, and the announcer guy said that on the third day of Disney, someone in the family snaps. He said he wouldn’t single people out, but advised everyone to be nice to mom. So maybe I’m just totally average, although I want to be better.

I’m heading out for my last day at Disney for this trip.  I wonder if it will be my last time.  Not to be morbid, but you never know.  Maybe I’ll try to live it as if it is my last.  Maybe I’ll try to live it as if I had been practicing AA for 24 years.

I’ve been fairly weak in my opinion with prayer, and I don’t really understand meditation.  I probably do meditate, but not on purpose (makes sense to me).  Part of what I’ve tried to change about myself recently has encompassed this.  I was describing to someone how AA got me ready to go back to church.  It softened me up.  At times, in desperation, I fell back on prayers I had memorized as a kid even though I didn’t believe in God, religion or prayer.  In telling this now I realized that just as I memorized prayers then, I can do so now with some new ones, rather than continue to struggle with making prayer up on the spot all the time.  By that I mean I’m sure it’s appropriate to pray spontaneously, often.  But memorizing some new ones will give me more to fall back on, plus it should influence and broaden my spontaneous prayer.

Again, it’s work where my emotional challenges mostly are today.  I found a prayer web site, http://www.worldprayers.org/, and it appealed to me that it claims to have prayers from all traditions.  I’ve used the random button, and hit it until something resonated.  Then I’ve printed it out and kept it in a binder.  Recently, I’ve been writing these by hand during difficult work meetings.  I’ve also taken time almost every day to read and concentrate on one. 

	Deep peace I breathe into you, O weariness, here: O ache, here! Deep peace, a soft white dove to You; Deep peace, a quiet rain to you; Deep peace, an ebbing wave to you! Deep peace, red wind of the east from you; Deep peace, grey wind of the west to You; Deep peace, dark wind of the north from you; Deep peace, blue wind of the south to you! Deep peace, pure red of the flame to you; Deep peace, pure white of the moon to you; Deep peace, pure green of the grass to you; Deep peace, pure brown of the earth to you; Deep peace, pure grey of the dew to you, Deep peace, pure blue of the sky to you! Deep peace of the running wave to you, Deep peace of the flowing air to you, Deep peace of the quiet earth to you, Deep peace of the sleeping stones to you! Deep peace of the Yellow Shepherd to you, Deep peace of the Wandering Shepherdess to you, Deep peace of the Flock of Stars to you, Deep peace from the Son of Peace to you, Deep peace from the heart of Mary to you, And from Briget of the Mantle Deep peace, deep peace! And with the kindness too of the Haughty Father Peace! In the name of the Three who are One, Peace! And by the will of the King of the Elements, Peace! Peace! the dominion of dreams : under a dark star - fiona macleod - 1895

This one appeals to me because it first acknowledges the negativity that has sent me to pray this time.  At other times it could be positive things sending me to pray, but not at this time.  Then it supplies peaceful images, and the use of color is interesting.  It also brings in Christianity, making it harmonious with the peaceful medications.

The thing besides negativity or positive happenings that can send me to prayer is habit.  I hope to make this a habit, and to be able to do it without the book.

So I headed off to work today in a fairly good mental space. I didn’t really feel like crying until I got there and was sitting in the parking lot. Progress. I’ve noticed something interesting about my feelings about being there. If I begin to feel happy, if I start to feel a sort of upsurge of a little joy like I have often felt through the years, I pretty quickly squash it.

In the door, I did OK for a time. This being Monday, I changed my thought for the week, and this week’s thought is to give thanks for mentors, and also to mentor others. I changed my picture that I rotate to a joyful picture of a past joyful happening. I did the mundane things I do and then I heard my ex-and-now-once-again-partner’s voice.

This is highly disturbing to me. I worked side by side with this woman for six years, and when she left, it really broke my heart. I don’t, nor do I want to, give up relationships like that without a fight. That’s not the kind of person I want to be.

There are two factors making this so difficult now. One is my partner’s attitude toward everything. She is gung-ho, full of plans and enthusiasm. That’s the way I felt about it two years ago, when she began leaving. The reason she’s so full of it now is because she hated the job she went to when she left. She’s glad to be back, grateful for the goodness of the job. I told her two years ago that she would feel this way. Honestly, she admits it. I knew she would not like the other job, and that the job she was leaving was a really good job.

The second part if the part that makes me so very sad now. I was listening to a radio show once, and someone was sharing about losing his wife young. The gist of the situation is that when we ask, “Why?” God answers, “Who.” God answers with this: “Because I am God.” My partner could not get along with our new boss, and the new boss was someone who had the energy, intelligence, will, ability, desire, to make the workplace what it could and should be. New boss had to leave, and the new new boss is ……… challenging at best. My partner actually asks me questions like, “When did people start using cell phones on the job?” Well, when the new new boss started, that’s when.

I don’t expect anyone who doesn’t know the details of this to be able to follow it. Bottom line for me and my serenity is that I do not get what I want. I do not get what I believe to be the best scenario, and not just for me. The job involves taking care of vulnerable people. If only my partner had been able to get along with the old new boss, we would have just all lived so happily ever after.

Right.

I know I haven’t completely mourned the situations that have passed. Mainly the departure of old new boss from my work life. Until recently, when my partner came back, I had an awfully big load of work on my shoulders as I did both our jobs for the whole time she was gone. I suspected all along and I now know that this shielded me from feelings most of the time. I also mourn the relationship I used to have with my partner, and the idealism I had about the job. I feel certain that the administration at my job did a very poor job, and that the vulnerable people still suffer. That sucks. Even if old new boss did a terrible job, she was very willing to change and improve, and she wasn’t given the chance. Meanwhile people who slack and are actually mean remain and continue. That is hard for me to live with.

Hard also to look at the characters and admit I don’t see all sides of all situations. Hard hard hard to try to love each and every one of these people.

I have been trying to learn some new prayers and taking time at work to pray, and copying prayers by hand during difficult meetings. I had posted before that 1 corinthians 13:1-13 is one I’m trying to learn and that I’m copying down. As I did that this morning in a work meeting it didn’t take me long to see -

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.

And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and
all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.

And if I dole out all my goods, and
if I deliver my body that I may boast
but have not love, nothing I am profited.

That’s it, you know? I don’t have love. No love, not anymore.

That’s not true. If I didn’t have love anymore, I wouldn’t have this pain.

This has all been difficult to write and difficult to live. I think it probably makes no sense to people who don’t know the details, and only a bit of sense to people who do. I’m going to leave it here though, because I started this blogging hoping to get at the root of this pain and to kill it.

Desires and instincts the oppose the will of God. I can’t have what I want. I can have what I need, and much more. Life on life’s terms. A faith that works under any conditions. I can’t make sense of this. I can’t jump on my partner’s bandwagon. I can’t forgive her, though I know she didn’t hurt anyone with intention and that she suffered terribly too.

Desires that oppose the will of God.

I have to stop writing this now. I have to tell anyone who knows me that there is a death-row doggie who will not stop nudging me, she won’t let me type. She knows I’m upset and she seems to believe that somehow her big black nose is going to make me feel better. She’s right.

I’m not big on prayer. I used to not pray at all, and I clearly remember desperate times early on in AA, driving, crying, praying because they told me to. Doing things because the people of AA told me to has saved my butt many times. In the beginning, I fell back on prayers I had memorized from repetition through the years, prayers like The Lord’s Prayer and The Apostle’s Creed. I remember reading somewhere in the literature how at times Bill W walked and prayed, repeating a prayer like the Serenity Prayer, for long periods of time in order to overcome serious depression.

At first in AA, I was even someone who would hold hands but not say the prayers. Somewhere along the line I got beaten down and softened up, and for many years now I have prayed along with meetings I attend. I pay attention to the prayer in the literature like the 11th step prayer. I sometimes reflexively pray, for instance, when I’m approaching work, and expecting a problem. My reflexive prayers are almost always gratitude lists - thank you God for this place and these people. Also a request that I be shown and have the courage to carry out God’s will and help all people I come into contact with that day. I do the same type of praying in times of big emotional distress. Gratitude and a request to do God’s will. Very rarely, I will make an actual request, but I always add the caveat, “if it’s Your will.”

Lately though, I’ve been rethinking and relooking at several aspects of the program, trying to go deeper, expand my recovery and relieve some pain. I’ve collected sayings, verses, poems, that kind of thing since I was a teenager, and it occurred to me recently that I can pray some new prayers. So many times AA people will respond to distress with the suggestion to “pray about it.” Praying about it, whatever it is, for me usually results in a gratitude list. So I looked online to try and find some new types of prayers to help me.

I have a binder at work that evokes painful memories. Yes, a binder. And being sad over such things is, I’m sure, more than half of my problem. Anyway I took the binder and printed out a few prayers that resonated for me. Now I try every day around lunch time to read one, and at any other time that I feel myself getting balled up.

Thursday I was having a harder time than usual, and as I was sitting in a particularly difficult meeting, I thought I would begin to write down a prayer. I wished that I had memorized a new one, but I hadn’t, and so I started to write down The Lord’s Prayer. I felt I was sitting too close to other people, though, nosy people who would read what I was writing and who would worry I’d gone around the bend. I went to my office to retrieve the binder, thinking I could sit there and read a prayer, but I decided others would notice that, too, and think it was very odd. And I really don’t want others there to know the depth of my angst. So after that meeting was done, I decided to start writing the prayers out long hand as a way of memorizing new ones. I’d like to have more at my mental disposal than the few I learned in childhood.

Here is one I’m trying to memorize:

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.

And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and
all knowledge, and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.

And if I dole out all my goods, and
if I deliver my body that I may boast
but have not love, nothing I am profited.

Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.

It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.

It does not rejoice over the wrong,
but rejoices in the truth

It covers all things, it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things, it endures in all things.

Love never falls in ruins;
but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or
knowledge, it will be superseded.

For we know in part and we prophecy in part.

But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded.

When I was an infant,
I spoke as an infant, I reckoned as an infant;
when I became [an adult],
I abolished the things of the infant.

For now we see through a mirror in an enigma, but then face to face.
Now I know in part, but then I shall know
as also I was fully known.

But now remains faith, hope, love, these three;
but the greatest of these is love.

1 corinthians 13:1-13

I actually wrote out the last two lines and put them on my office door to remind myself every time I go through the door what it is that I am really called to do.