So many times, when I talk about struggling or slipping, I want to communicate to someone (maybe a particular someone, maybe not) that it is possible to go from “chronic relapser” status to “oldtimer.” Talking to Carole last night I was saying that I have trouble identifying with people who come to the program and stop drinking and that’s it. That was far from it for me, and I think it’s a different (though similar) kind of deflation for the chronic relapser to show up at meetings having slipped again and again and again. And I really beg the people at that meeting not to be anything but welcoming and maybe a little bit sad or scared. But not judgmental. That makes it tougher to come back.
It’s an anniversary night at my meeting tomorrow and that will be nice. I got some news that another of my cousins died young and mysteriously. I’ve had only sporadic contact with my father’s side of my family since he died when I was six. He was 33. One of my cousins died a year ago at 46, and this one recently at 51. I know he died from alcoholism but I don’t know what they died from. It shakes me up a bit. In a way, I wish I knew that they did die from alcoholism because today, I’m able to recoil from alcohol as from poison. A bad heart or veins or something is trickier (for me) to deal with than alcohol.
I go to meetings and talk to others and work the steps. Chronic relaspers, join me!
A solid 4th step is important in the sense that one needs to get honest with ones self and put it on paper so that it is clear, organized and right in front of you.