AA has very few official “rules.” It works so very well for me in my time and place. I hope it continues to work for as long as people need it.
There are “suggestions,” things that people in program tell a newcomer or oldtimer to do or not do. These vary from place to place. They aren’t written down in official AA literature, and following them or not following them falls to the individual.
The word “suggestion” is, I think designed to soothe and attract hard headed, skittish new people. A list of demands or “musts” would turn many people away. “Suggestion” comes from the Big Book, where the steps are “suggested” as a program of recovery. Even when referring to the very basis of the program, the founders knew they’d lose people who need help but who will not respond to a demand presented as such.
“No relationships during the first year” is a suggestion I’ve heard often and in varied places. Someone who comes in and begins unattached should not get romantically involved for the first year. Relationships are often the hardest thing in life, and often the thing people drink over.
It’s also called the “thirteenth step” when someone in AA gets romantically or physically involved with a newcomer. “Twelfth Stepping” is when someone within the program tells someone who isn’t about it, and brings that person in (as it states in Step Twelve, to carry this message to alcoholics). It’s cynically called the thirteenth step when the people get sexually involved.
I’m happy to say that in my experience, this doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It was brought to my attention twice within the past 24 hours, once on the phone, and once online. In my opinion, it is just wrong. The AAs involved in these two situations both have around 20 years sober. In the one situation, which has resolved, the newcomer did drink and go out. That is such a waste. Waiting a year is not all that long. I do realize as I write this that I’m being judgmental toward the people involved, I just can’t imagine that anyone would think this is a good idea. It seems like too big a risk.
It happens get used to it, and no one can stop it. its in na , aa, ca, rehabs. we can mention thats its not a good idea. Men do it to women, women do it men. men to emn and women to women. were recovering addicts not saints.
Comment by Anonymous — September 13, 2008 @ 11:05 am
I won’t get used to it. In a rehab, I think you’re writing about two newcomers. That’s not a good idea, it’s a recipe for disaster but it’s not the “Thirteenth Step.” The situation I describe is when someone experienced in AA has sex with someone who isn’t. And yes, it applies to gay people as well as straight.
We’re not saints, but neither would we condone bad behavior. Thank you for your comment.
Comment by Lydia — September 13, 2008 @ 1:34 pm
My spouse of nearly ten years quit drinking a little over two years ago. Although he has gone to AA since he quit drinking he just recently started doing his steps. He got romantically involved with his AA sponsor. Exactly what is it about addicts that make them think they arent responsible for ANY of their actions. It makes me sick to think that someone who is supposed to be his sponsor was willing to jeopardize his sobriety. I have been able to kick him out and wont let him back, but we have children and I obviously care about their father’s sobriety. Addicts are people and they make mistakes. The difference is others who make mistakes seem to find it more human to actually blame themselves rather than everyone else or their addiction.
Comment by Sara — September 25, 2008 @ 8:03 pm
Thank you for your story. I’m so sorry that’s happened to you. Everywhere I’ve attended AA, it has been common for “girls with girls” and “boys with boys.” Of course this doesn’t work with gay people, but the idea is that a “sponsor” should not be someone who is a potential romantic partner. Both your husband and his “sponsor” were very wrong to do what they did.
Since you and your children will have an ongoing relationship with him, I strongly suggest you check out Alanon. It will help YOU, and it’s for YOU, and it will help you be a better parent to your children of an alcoholic.
I don’t find placing blame elsewhere to be a purely alcoholic trait. I promise you though that someone who is honestly and earnestly working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous will not blame others for their own bad behavior. I hope you find, as I did when the father of my children left me, that it is for the best in the long run.
Peace.
Comment by Lydia — September 25, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
My husband too started having an affair while only sober a couple of months. This woman had 10 + years sobriety and obviously knew what she was doing. He spent so much money on her I was unable to pay bills and we have gotten so far into debt. A lot of people in the group knew they were seeing each other. What is it about these people that are there to guide a person that is just out of detox, letting them do this to the wife knowing all along that this newbie hasn’t tried to reconcile any of the past with her.
Comment by dava — December 11, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
Dava – I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I don’t know your situation, so I really can’t comment, but I suggest you check out Al-Anon. It can help YOU. Peace.
Comment by Lydia — December 12, 2008 @ 2:30 am
situation is that these sponsors and several other people at the group knew what was going on and had every opportunity to tell her with her 10+ years sobriety that she was a thirteenth stepper and him that her need to do his 9th step with me before he decided that he no longer wanted to be with me. no
No one did!!!! for over 6months he was spending well over 800.00 a month on her our household money I was paying bills on credit cards and trying to feed me and our son on the left overs in the bank. We are so far in debt now we may still lose our house. Now that we are back together and he says that he loves me and things like that I don’t know if he is telling the truth because so much of his sobriety has been dealing with lying and cheating. Every time I bring anything up he get mad and yells at me that I just need to let it go and that I should read the big book to show me how to be happy. Hey I do have a right to be hurt and angry My Husband went out had a sexual relationship and spent money that I stood on my feet to make and now I have a reminder every time the bill collector calls to find out when I’m going to pay them or having to tell my kids that I am not going to be able to get much in the way of Christmas this year for them. Ya the program works but so far not for me
dava
Comment by dava — December 24, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Dava (and others) – As much as I can, I understand your pain. If you read “my story,” you’ll see that my husband, sober in AA, left me with two young children. People are people. No matter how long sober in AA, people are people and we all have faults.
It pains me to see people on the internet and people I know in person suffer so much. I’m afraid the only solution I know of is to go to alanon. I’m so terribly sorry that so few people are willing to do this one simple thing. I understand it to a point. But it’s the only suggestion I have. I think it has the best chance of truly helping lessen your pain.
Your husband is wrong. The people who condone his behavior are wrong. Yet the only person you have control over is you. The fact that you’re right and they are wrong (if they are – I only have your words to go by) won’t help your situation one tiny bit. People are wronged every single day of the week.
Please, please, check out alanon. Try it. You have nothing to lose and the whole world of serenity to gain, if you turn out to be one of the lucky ones. You are in my thoughts – Lydia
Comment by Lydia — December 24, 2008 @ 9:11 pm