I did a lot right during my first period of sobriety, but I also did some important things wrong. Two come right to mind as things I now think prevented me from staying sober. I mean I could not do these things and remain sober.
The first and most important is the relationship I had with the guy across the street. It began when I was 16, and it went on until I was 22. As I said earlier, I understand now that he was criminally wrong in what he did, and that I was mostly a victim of this. Still, even at 16, I knew better, and as the years went on I knew better and better.
I was “in love,” dependent, and unable to envision a future without him. I was seldom happy and I always held out hope he would leave his wife for me. The people of AA told me and told me and told me that what I was doing was wrong. Not that they harped on it, but it came up very often, since it was one of the most important facts of my life.
I can see now that the life I was living was immoral and wrong. I also see that I was used and abused big time. In the midst of it, I was mostly miserable. Of course it was doomed to fail.
The other area that was lacking for me was work on the steps. I came to understand Step One, but understanding and believing are two different things. Intellectually, I understood even then that when I took a drink, my ability to choose from then on was gone. I understood that my life was very unmanageable. My emotional life was most unmanageable, but other things did happen to me, like I passed out after drinking and crying all night and missed the English Regents Exam (an important, statewide test).
I had this knowledge in my head, but not in my heart. I know this because later, after I started drinking again, I engaged in so many of the tricks alcoholics try to use to control their drinking.
I was also able, at that time, to accept the group as my higher power and believe that by following the good people I could have my sanity restored. It was a small beginning, though, coming from the place I had just been where I had left the church and all those fine religious people. I was increasing my belief in a high power, but I was just beginning.
I don’t think I completely took the Third Step back then, or I wouldn’t have continued with my relationship. It was easy to see that God really wouldn’t approve of this, and that daily I was doing the wrong thing in a big way. I did not, back then, attempt a formal Fourth Step, and I don’t remember anyone suggesting to me that I should. I don’t know if it was the AA culture of that time and place, or if I just wasn’t ready, or if it might have saved me had I given it a go. I don’t know. All the words of the literature about delay being potentially fatal seem a bit different when applied to a 16, 17 or 18 year old, but maybe they aren’t.
I made a good beginning, but it wasn’t enough. At least I knew I was alcoholic and never doubted that, and I was lucky enough to be able to come back before alcohol’s final tragedy.
