Experience, Strength and Hope (My story continued – my first sobriety continued and my first sponsor continued – and another suggestion)

Since I wrote the previous post about my first sponsor, Elli, I tried to look her up on the web. It looks like she went on to have a great life. I tried to email her, but it got bounced back. I may look further. I want to thank her. In writing this out, it became more obvious to me that she started me out in a very good way. I didn’t stay sober that time, and by the time I did stay sober, I had lost touch with Elli. I saw her one other time in the intervening years, and now not for a long time. I hope I get the chance to thank her and to tell her that, so far, it looks like everything turned out well for me.

Honestly I see some of the hardness in the way she treated me as something that is often lacking in AA today. Maybe it was lacking then, too, and maybe she was able to see in me a tragedy ready to happen if I didn’t “get it.” But I followed her rules for me, and she helped lay a good foundation in me that served me later on.

Another suggestion she said I “must” follow is never saying no to AA. I’ve seen this play out in different ways through the years. The most frequent way is when someone is asked to tell his or her story, to “lead.” I understood from the beginning that when asked, you do not say no. There are several reasons why that is wise. For one, many people would never do it if it was acceptable to say no. I know I wouldn’t do it. It also allows people to remain in a sort of juvenile state, like they are not yet quite full fledged members of the program. It keeps them aloof to say no, and doesn’t let others get to know them on that level. It also clarifies the speaker’s own experiences to themselves to share it in an organized fashion. I can only imagine, if it was generally accepted to say no to telling your story, that only the most outgoing, chatty people would ever tell. So many would be silent, and so much would never be spoken.

I also see it taken to different extremes at times. Not saying no doesn’t mean people should accept commitments to do service work that they aren’t able to do. It doesn’t mean they should sponsor others if they aren’t able. Sometimes I see it taken to a different extreme when people do whatever their sponsor tells them to do. After months and years of sobriety, some still turn to a sponsor and only a sponsor to get “permission” to tell their story or skip a meeting or go somewhere.

One recent explanation I heard regarding don’t say no was when someone said that AA had saved his life, and he could not say no to something that had given him the very power to live and choose.