I know that anyone who has been around anything for a long period of time will lament some of the changes that take place. This is true of schools and towns, organizations and institutions, even people. Some changes are bound to be for the worse. Some have to be.
With regard to AA, for me, there is also the element of the way I was “raised.” When I was new, I had to become immersed in AA, and eventually it did work out. I’ve lived many places and I’ve gone to meetings over time in many places. Still I prefer the format of where I was raised. Over the years, I’ve gone back to those meetings several times a year, but not enough to really know how the program is run there since I’ve been gone. Now, since my mother has moved, I won’t be going to many if any of those old meetings, maybe never again.
I feel it’s very important, though, for me to record what it was about those meetings that enabled me to finally get it. Just because I’ve been around for a while, I see changes that I perceive to be for the worse. Also, I’ve been going to meetings where I now live for ten years. Things have changed here, too.
And all of this comes with the understanding and appreciation that millions get and stay sober all over the world, through AA, however that varies from place to place. Sometimes statistics about AA and it’s success are interesting, but I really don’t see them as valid. My own experience tells me that the vast majority of people who come through the door seeking help do not make it, and they attend only briefly, and they go back to drinking. I do, however, know a large number of people who got and stayed sober over the span of many many years. This is one of the many reasons I will always go to meetings – to show that it works.
So, when I started AA, and this Elli woman gave me her phone number, and I called her, and somehow she became my sponsor. It was a SUGGESTION of AA at the time that the newcomer get phone numbers and use them and call people. It is said of AA that there are no “musts.” There is not a list of things to do that in failing to do them, you will not be considered a member of AA. However, following suggestions is a topic in itself. I’ll have to come back to that one. Suffice it to say here that failure to follow suggestions seriously decreases a person’s chances of success in the AA program.
So I had called Elli, as had been suggested. Once she became my sponsor, the suggestions turned to “musts,” in that I had to do these things in order to keep her as my sponsor. She had terms, she was tough. I had to make 90 meetings in 90, and really, go to a meeting every day for 90 days. Sometimes I went to more, depending on the situation. At every meeting that had a speaker or someone who told her story, I had to thank that person, and ask her for her phone number. I say her because it was a “suggestion” back then and still is now that the boys stay with the boys and the girls stay with the girls. And no relationships for the first year. I can speculate later how all this plays out for gay people.
I had to call someone every day and speak to someone every day. This was in the day before answering machines (seriously) and voice mail. I imagine it is easier to get someone today. Back then I had to call and call until I spoke to someone. THEN I had to call Elli and speak to her, and tell her who else I had talked to. This, not because I was dishonest (I wasn’t), but because my very strong preference is to not call people and not interact and reach out.
These calls could just be making contact, telling someone that I was just calling to call. The people of AA understood that, had been through it, and made it as easy as possible. One thought behind this regime is that when hard times do hit, you are in the habit of calling and find it easy. Also, this way, you may get to know some people more deeply than you would otherwise. A drawback of the sponsor system the way it is practiced where I live today is that, in my eyes, people tend to stick to their sponsors and maybe, if they are lucky, a few AA friends, but maybe not. The old way, I made lots of contacts and had some relationships beyond my sponsor and the people I saw every week at meetings.
(to be continued)
