Looking again at those defects we are still unwilling to give up, we ought to erase the hard-and-fast lines that we have drawn. Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, “This I cannot give up yet . . . ,” but we should not say to ourselves, “This I will never give up!”
A long time ago, I thought of this in terms of someone I was unwilling to talk to. There’s a relationship I was pretty sure I would never be willing to mend, so I thought I would never, ever, be able to do the sixth step. More recently, I heard a newcomer voice this very thing. This person said he is unwilling and unable to forgive two family members. He expressed that he actually hates these people. And so, he concluded he therefore couldn’t do any of the steps.
What is the defect at play here? I honestly don’t know. I see pride, obstinance*, and a severe lack of love and grace. In other places in the literature, I know we are said to sometimes defy God, and to be defiant. We are resistant, and we resist what is given to us, and what we know to be best. These are the common characteristics of children, adolescents and teenagers.
I gave up “no, never,” a long time ago. There are few things I’d even be tempted to use those words about regarding myself and what I’m willing and able to do. The way this concept resonates for me at this point is to substitute and say, “Looking again at those defects we are still struggling with after years of effort . . . In some cases we will say, “This I haven’t conquered yet.”
I understand that it is life long, and that I will never reach the ideal. I understand that I have to be willing to continue to really try. I understand that if I lose my willingness over any appreciable amount of time, I will regress, and worse. I understand that my rewards are proportionate to the effort I put forth. I understand that the rewards are beyond what I can imagine I would want for my life.
I’ve reached these conclusions by the evidence I see in my own life, and in the lives of others. When I was able to stop drinking, I understood that it was abstinence or death. When the urge to drink was mostly out of the way, I understood that it was grow by working the program, or be miserable. I will look again at those defects that I still struggle with, and I will attack and examine them with renewed effort.
*The browser spell check did not like the word obstinance, so I went to an online dictionary to see if it is a word and if I’d spelled it properly. The ads that were generated for that dictionary page asked, “Defiant? Poor grades? Defiant child?” To that I say yes, no, and yes.
It is comforting to me to know that we can say, “I’m not ready to give this up yet.” I know I have to, I know I can, I know I will someday, but right now I’m in a place where I’m still struggling with that particular defect. One person at my old church once put it this way…
“If your body was riddled with disease and you needed several surgeries and organ transplants, the doctors would not open you up and do it all at once for your body couldn’t take it and you would die. So it is with the character defects with which we struggle, we cannot possibly deal with all of them at once. It would kill us, kill our spirit. We can only do so many things at once for we are only human.”
I thought that was a good way to look at it.
Thanks, as always for sharing. Your blog always gives me something to think about.
Comment by whanderingdharma007 — June 10, 2008 @ 7:29 am
And thank you. I find often that doing the “next right thing” takes care of many of my character defects. It’s hard for me to act them out when I’m doing the next right thing.
Comment by Lydia — June 11, 2008 @ 2:59 am