A Very Luxurious Problem

Part of the reason I began this blog is because I can be reluctant at times to let newcomers and others know the long timer experience isn’t all peaches and cream. Of course they know that. But. There’s no one around who remembers me when I was drinking. There’s no one who knows how much better I am. I have plenty of issues now, and they are nothing compared to the way I used to be. I do get better and happier, more serene and more peaceful as any appreciable amount of time goes by. My problems today are of a very high caliber. They are “luxury” problems, for sure.

A luxury problem is a small problem with something wonderful. Which university to attend, for example, when your choices are all good and your capacity to pay for it or pay the money back are good. A luxury problem might be when you wreck your very nice car, and you’re fine, but you have to deal with the details of getting it fixed or replaced. Which job to take when you have good choices. Fixing something within your nice house, with the resources to do it.

All of my problems are not always luxury problems, but most are, and really all are today. It’s hard for me to complain in this case, or to admit everything isn’t well and wonderful.

I wrote that I hate vacation. Two weeks ago, under strange circumstances, I voiced the feeling that I also hate change. In one of those magnificently timed “coincidences” that make me feel or sense or hope that a higher power is influencing things, a friend sent me a meditation pointing out that every single thing is changing every single second, and that hate is not a productive or gracious way to feel about it. It pointed out that I have within me qualities to help me like and embrace change. I can learn to use things like vision and imagination to enjoy and employ change.

So vacation. I’m at Disney World in Florida. I’ve been here several times, beginning when I was a kid. I understand and appreciate that I am extremely fortunate in this. From the money and will to do it down and through the capabilities within my body and mind I am very very lucky. This time, my daughter chose it as the destination in honor of her graduation from college. Again, I am extremely fortunate and blessed. My son and my wife are also here, and from the money to do this to the physical abilities and the fact that we can all get along well enough to do this, I am one of the luckiest people on earth.

In that context I still want to write about and list what’s wrong. Number one, I can’t take the heat. I’ve never been good with heat, not at any time during my life. It’s ninety degrees here with blazing sun, and it’s humid. And I had to spend lots of time rushing from one destination to the next. I have a feeling also that my family members don’t completely believe how bad the heat makes me feel. It’s the night of the first day right now, and I’m really a bit frightened that I’ll either collapse or ruin everybody’s vacation.

I also really really feel out of balance. It’s not chic or cool to admit that I like to work, I like to be in touch with people, I like to have all my stuff with me. And good lord I like my critters. And I need time to do nothing. So generally, in a five day work week with two or sometimes three days off, with all my stuff and several hours to devote to my pets, I feel good. Here, now, I am pining for the pets and imaging they (and especially one) is sad and feeling abandoned. I also had to keep going and moving from around eight in the morning till around ten at night. That’s too much for me.

So honestly, honestly, I’d rather be home and not at Disney and not on vacation. I’m going to try hard to change this. I’m going to try and do better physically tomorrow, drinking more and ……. I don’t know what else. I can’t think of a great strategy to tolerate vacation better. To like it. To love it. What’s coming to my mind right now is that it’s another day down and another day closer to being home. But I’m not staying with that or accepting it as the way I should be. I do know I shouldn’t be trying to tolerate it, but aiming toward the perfect ideal of accepting, embracing, and understanding it and myself. God is certainly extremely gracious to me right now. And sobriety is so worth it! I would not could not be anywhere close to this if I was drinking. My family wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have means to afford this or skills to implement it or cope with it. This is so luxurious.