Not Alone

I was thinking about the revelatory nature of AA and they way we are encouraged and supported and urged to share on the deepest level. There are lots of aspects of this that interest me. I have said and heard so many things over the years, it makes me pause.

On the very deepest level there is probably the fifth step. Where I live now, many people choose to do their fifth step with an anonymous clergy person. There’s a religious organization that supplies such people to listen, and I guess you can look at it as a bit of a tradition here. It’s not anything I heard much about in the other places I’ve lived. I’m sure people did it, but it’s a common experience here.

An anonymous fifth step must certainly be better than no fifth step, and I can understand that sometimes some people feel the only way they can possibly do it is with someone they don’t know and won’t see again. Still, I wouldn’t do that or recommend it unless there truly is no other way.

But THE fifth step is a very small part of the revealing that goes on at AA meetings. I’ve heard people admit to just about every sin except for murder, and I have known at least two people well who did kill someone with a car by driving drunk. I knew someone for some time who lost a baby to fetal alcohol syndrome. I’ve heard people say they have stolen and cheated and lied. People have been unkind to their pets and their children and their parents and their neighbors. People have wasted money and resources and opportunities.

I took this topic from As Bill Sees It, and the section is titled something like “We can’t do it alone.” The chairs pictured are from my home group, and after the picture was taken people sat in the chairs and talked things over together.

I’m an introvert. As I’ve written before, I believe this makes it tough to work AA in a way that someone more extroverted wouldn’t experience. It is by its very nature a very social thing, a self help group. I always hesitate to say that because I know that now and in the past, people in some very extreme situations have stayed sober without other AAs around to help. But in general, when people and meetings are available, it is vital to recovery to go socialize. One of the awesome aspects of the situation is that within the AA program, there are lots of other people who have trouble socializing also. And even the friendly outgoing people are used to being with and helping the loners.

I think the social aspect of it keeps some people out of the program. I read blogs written by people who know they could benefit so much from going to AA, but who don’t go and continue to suffer. Others make up their minds to stop drinking and do so, but they don’t go to meetings and they don’t share with other alcoholics. I don’t count either of those groups of people as being successful at dealing with their drinking problem.

I’ve also seen the culture where the only sharing a person does is with his or her sponsor.  I’ll have to write about “back in the day,” but when I started AA, in the late 1970s, it was sort of required at the beginning that a person get phone numbers and call and talk to people in addition to their sponsor.  Personally, I’m extremely grateful that this is how I started.  I hated it, and I would not have done it had there been another way.  I believe I would have stuck with just a sponsor and maybe another friend or two, and that would have been it.  Because it was expected I would call and speak to another person every day, because it was required, I did it, and it broke a huge hole through my wall of isolation.

I also imagine that for those lucky extroverts, the socializing and sharing that goes on in AA is of an excellent quality and the content is supreme.  Whether we like it or not, every day we have a chance to hear about the very humanness of those around us, and to know we’re not alone.  I have no doubt too that all I’ve said and all I’ve heard has made me more tolerant of and patient with the people outside the rooms, in the rest of my life.  Almost anything anyone can tell me I have heard already, and I’ve known someone who has gone through it, whatever it may be.  I know that the people who seem arrogant and all together are not.  I’ve heard their counterparts describe it and explain it many times over.

The Moment We Say, “No, never!” (step six continued)

The moment we say, “No, never!” our minds close against the grace of God. Delay is dangerous, and rebellion may be fatal. This is the exact point at which we abandon limited objectives, and move toward God’s will for us.

And that’s it, that’s the end of Step Six in the Twelve and Twelve.

I won’t, can’t, don’t say no never to anything AA has to offer. I have every character defect every other person has, to my own unique degrees. I have come far in dealing with the things that I did that were very wrong when I was drinking. I have given up the thought that there might be character defects I will never deal with, and will always engage in. I understand that my character defects block me from God’s grace, which is the good things in life that God would give me, if I could receive them.

As much as is humanly possible for me right now, I say that I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Wow I Don’t Feel Well

After all my medical drama of the past two weeks, I’m simply nauseous and headachey.  And I’m such a baby about it!  I hate to not feel well.  I left work for the first time in years.  I’d go to bed (I was in bed), but the kids walked to the supermarket and I’m waiting to pick them up.  I just hate this so much.  It dominates my thoughts and I can’t enjoy the internet or a book or anything.  I’m such a baby.

Experience, Strength and Hope (My Story continued – drinking in high school – 16, 17, 18)

The first time I stopped drinking, I could tell my story and know what had happened when.  Next time (this time), I lost that ability, and it hasn’t come back.  I can’t confidently say what happened before I stopped drinking, after I stopped drinking, in high school or in college.  I figured the most honest way to tell about it would be to write what I remember.  Maybe that way I can sort it out a bit more. I don’t think the time line is terribly important.

So sometime in high school I started drinking a lot.  I have a few memories of being drunk.  Once, for example, I remember laying my face on the mat of the wrestling cage.  As an potentially interesting side note, my first year in high school, which would have been 1976, was the first year my school district made gym class co-ed.  This was not a good thing.  I don’t know if it started out that way or became that way, but by the time I was in high school, some sports were segregated and some were not.  Wrestling was segregated, although I think that prior to my time, girls probably didn’t have to take wrestling at all.

Anyway I do recall the time I was supposed to be stretching or what have you, but I was too drunk to stay upright.  No one ever caught me drinking or being drunk in high school.  I often drank around my period, which was the reason I started anyway.  I also remember taking a purse to the bathroom.  Kids smoked in the bathrooms at that time.  I did that, but I also drank in there.

All my high school drinking was solitary.  All of it.  There were kids who drank and did drugs, but I wasn’t remotely friendly with them.  At least one of them had been my “best” friend in fifth and sixth grades, but we weren’t friendly anymore.  The kids I was remotely friendly with were the good a smart kids, or the “cooties,” but they didn’t drink.  The social drinking I did only involved the guy across the street, who I was sleeping with, and my family, on holidays.  I also snuck pot with the guy across the street, and drank and smoked pot with some of my cousins on my father’s side of my family.

I remember some of the kids who got very messed up with drugs and alcohol.  One guy, who was never the brightest, suffered some kind of obvious brain damage around then.  There was a girl who mixed alcohol and tranquilizers and who went into a coma.  Last I heard, which was a long time after high school, she never came out of it.  There were random locker checks in school, when they would hold a fire drill, get everyone out of the building, then not let us back in while police checked random lockers.  The drinking age was 18 at that time, so some high schoolers could legally drink.

This was an affluent area.  It’s now one of the most affluent areas in the country.  There weren’t gangs (that I know of), or violence of any kind.  But there were drugs and alcohol, for sure.  Still most kids went to school, hoped and planned and tried to graduate, didn’t often get pregnant in high school, got a very good education there.

I knew it then and I know it even better now, that the drinking I was doing was disordered and sick from the absolute start.  It went so quickly from a want to a need.  It went so quickly overboard and over the edge.  I’m grateful it was like that, because it brought me to the end that much more quickly.

Last Test for A While, I Hope

Today I had a mammogram and breast sonogram.  Aside from telling me I’m lopsided (seriously), it looks like all is well for the year.  I still haven’t heard from the gynecologist regarding the pelvic sonogram, but the tech said all looked well there.

Since I’ve been having and waiting for results of these tests, I’ve been sort of on hold.  I haven’t walked the dog, gone to extra meetings, or gone to the gym.  I’m going to try to get back to normal (such as it is) tomorrow.  It’s been a long time of abnormal.  Two days after I got home from Disney, all these tests began.

My breasts are killing me right now, and I’m goopy and gloppy from the the gel.  After I bathe tonight I will start anew for real.

A Different Translation of Corinthians 13 (prayer)

This is from The Living Bible, 1982.

If I had the gift of being able to speak in other languages without learning them, and could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth, but didn’t love others, I would only be making noise.

If I had the gift of prophecy and knew all about what is going to happen in the future, knew everything about everything, but didn’t love others, what good would it do?

Even if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, I would still be worth nothing at all without love.

If I gave everything I have to poor people, and if I were burned alive for preaching the Gospel but didn’t love others, it would be of no value whatever.

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude.

Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out.

If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.

All the special gifts and powers from God will someday come to an end, but love goes on forever. Someday prophecy and speaking in unknown languages, and special knowledge – all these gifts will disappear. Now we know so little, even with our special gifts, and the preaching of those most gifted is still so poor. But when we have been made perfect and complete, then the need for these inadequate special gifts will come to an end, and they will disappear.

It’s like this: when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I became a man my thoughts grew far beyond those of my childhood and I now I have put away the childish things. In the same way we can see and understand things only a little about God now, as if we were peering at his reflection in a poor mirror, but someday we are going to see him in his completeness, face to face. Now all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now.

There are three things that remain — faith, hope, and love — and the greatest of these is love.

Guilt

I’m not feeling particularly guilty, but I wanted to write about something that is not my story and not Step Six. No doubt this will come in handy if I make it around the steps and back for Step Four. I found this on a list of prompts to help with Step Four. Is guilt a character defect? Probably. The question that was asked as a prompt is looking back over your life, what do you feel particularly guilty about?

My adult life has been spent in AA. I have not, since I’ve been sober, done things like drive drunk, steal, cheat, lie on a big scale. I’m trying to think of things that bring to mind guilt from before I was sober. The essence of guilt, I think, is feeling that I’ve done something wrong while knowing better, having caused harm even though I knew it was harmful, or having been very negligent. I’m coming up empty for thoughts from before sobriety. That may just be where my head is, or it may be that a lifetime of AA plus raising my own children has made me see most of what befell me as normal and fallible.

The biggest guilts of my sober life have to do with my children. They are minor, really, but they effect me. AA has given me such an excellent platform to stand on. It’s given good people to turn to and rules to live by that have made for a good life experience.

I have to give more thoughts to writing the particulars about what I feel I’ve done wrong regarding the children. A few instances come to mind that would probably invade their privacy. As I said, though, these aren’t huge things. Today when I feel guilty it’s usually because I’m trying to help and support two people at once, or because there are certain helping aspects of my job that I’ve abandoned, more as a way to keep going than anything else.

As I was writing that, a good example of my current state of guilt came to mind.

This is Xandra. She is my death row doggie. Carole and I adopted her last year from a kill shelter. Xandra was four years old (So they said, but they also called her a labradoodle. Um, no), unspayed, filthy, with awful teeth. She sat in the corner of the pen barking nonstop. We were out to find a different doggie. Through circumstances I’ll have to write about at some point, we were looking for a dog to add to the household (which had another dog and three cats – still does). I set criteria at 30 pounds or less (Xandra weighs 64), between 3 and 5 years old (she was 4, so that worked), female (yes) and from a shelter (yes). One way that Carole and I are often bad for each other is that neither one of us can say no often enough to the animals, and we end up having just one too many, just enough to make things unmanageable.

I will come back to this topic because it has sent my mind sort of racing. My character defects do come into play big time around this dog.

For now, I think that considering what are the things we feel guilty about can show us either where we need to improve our conduct, or where we need to shrink our ego and be our right size concerning what we can and should do in situations, or both.

At the Very Least (Step Six continued)

At the very least, we shall have to come to grips with some of our worst character defects and take action toward their removal as quickly as we can.

I’m a little alarmed to note that I have just one paragraph remaining in Step Six. Just a little though. I do feel that I’ve made progress and increased my understanding and increased my practice of the step.

I wrote before that I think every person has every human character defect there is, just to an individual extent. It reminds me of an expression I heard often when I first came in. “If you sober up a horse thief, all you will have is a sober horse thief.” Horse thieves! They weren’t plentiful, even back in the 70s. Along the same lines is the saying “the drunk who brought you in here will take you out.” The essence of these is that if we don’t change ourselves, we will just continue our bad behavior, or we will drink, or both.

It’s precious to me that there lies the solution to my life’s problems. Not that any are solved or leave completely, but that I will continue to grow in my ability to handle them if I work the steps. If I don’t, I will drink.

One immediate benefit I found in the program was that without drinking, for some reason, I didn’t lie. Drunk, I lied, even when the truth would have been better. So that kind of dishonestly left for me very quickly. And of course it needed to. I couldn’t have continued on, sober, if I was lying all the time.

I like the metaphor of “coming to grips with.” If I can grip them, maybe I can control them, rather than having them control me. My worst character defects are now what they were then. I think they are headed by fear, then come selfishness and selfcenteredness, sloth, anger, jealousy. I feared everything so much when I was newly sober. The support of AA has lessened that substantially.

A few months ago, at work, my boss’ boss’ boss commented to me to not be so afraid all the time. Now work is one area I feel pretty confident in, if only because by the grace of Carole I don’t need the job. And I did interact with this man around some very emotional and difficult situations. Still, I was surprised that I still give off that fear vibe so strongly that someone who doesn’t know me can read it.

I’m still taking action toward their removal, and this part of it. Again, I’d love to be further down this road at this point. Now I’m paying attention and actively trying.

Experience, Strength and Hope (my story – 16, my first AA meeting)

It’s somewhat unbelievable to me now. At 16, I knew I was an alcoholic and out of control (of course I understand now that this is stating the obvious). I didn’t know much about alcoholism or Alcoholics Anonymous. I really don’t know how I thought to call them. But I did. I know I assumed AA would attempt to teach me how to drink moderately.

So I looked it up in the phone book, and I called.  This was 1979.  There were no computers, no internet, no caller ID.  I do remember taking a book out of the school library that dealt with alcoholism.  That was how we gathered information back in the day.  Quaint, and slow.

My phone number at the time seemed to people like a commercial number.  It was one number off from a local golf course, which was a pain on Sunday mornings when people called to make a tee time.  It was something like 676-1000.  Anyway when I called the AA hot line and spoke to the woman answering the phone, she said she would get someone in touch with me and would call back.  When I gave her my phone number, I remember that she didn’t believe me.

I’ve lost the details of what happened between that call and my first meeting.  I know it was a few days away from the call.  I know I had a babysitting job, and Isabel covered that for me so I could go to the meeting.  Among the things I didn’t know at that time was the fact that there are AA meetings all over the place all the time.  I often wonder, when someone talks about being directed to a meeting by the answering service, why they are sent to meetings that are days away rather than as soon as possible.

My first meeting took place in the church pictured above.  It was in April of 1979, about a month before my 17th birthday.  I walked into that church drunk.  I couldn’t handle an AA meeting sober!  There was a greeter there, George.  He was an old guy, and he had the greeting job for years until he died.  I remember being at an anniversary celebration for that group after George died, and his wife attended in honor of him.  She was tall, German, all dressed in black.

That church had several meetings going on at once.  There was a beginners AA and several alanon or alateen meetings.  I went to the beginners in the church library.  After the meeting got going, the smoke was so thick you couldn’t see the other side of the room.  Washing ashtrays was a newcomer job, and it wasn’t a small job at all.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t say much at that meeting.  Some of the friendliest people turned out to be some of the flakiest.  But basically, everyone was very nice, and when I told them of my drinking problem, they told me they understood.  And I believed them, I believed that they did understand.  I never lost that belief.  I hold this as one of the keys to my long time sobriety.

I was surprised to see old people there.  I thought that all alcoholics were like my father, and I didn’t understand how they could live that long and be alcoholic.  I was surprised that AA practiced abstinence.  I was probably disappointed.

I talked to people, got phone numbers, got a sponsor.  Not at that first meeting, but at one of the first.  I drank a few times after getting a few days strung together.  One “slip” I recall happened after I took cough medicine.  It’s a trigger!  It made me drink!!  I began counting days on a calender.

So I got a shaky start on my lifetime of AA.  By the time it was my 17th birthday, I had begun what would be 18 months of continuous sobriety.

No Words (gratitude)

I’m not in the clear just yet, but almost.  My blood work came back good, with perfect (brag) thyroid and lots of good hemoglobin.  But no menopause.  This I don’t understand, but I’m interested enough to look into it, so I will continue to not understand.

Endometrial biopsy Monday.  The doctor called with the results this morning.  No sign of cancer or precancerous cells.  Today I had the ultrasound.  Although I have heard they’re not supposed to tell you anything, the tech did tell me that everything looks fine.  As far as I know, that is that.  Next Monday I have a mammogram, and that’s where I usually expect the trouble to be.  There or in my lungs.  I’m an ex smoker.

I will have to reflect on this experience and some of the issues it has brought up.  One has to do with medication.  My doctor keeps suggesting birth control pills to give me a regular period.  Well, I don’t want a regular period, nor do I want to take drugs unless I need them to be well.  But that’s a topic for another time.  For today I have to set about being relieved at least of the burden of that kind of fear, for today.

True Religion (prayer)

	This and this alone is true religion: To serve thy brethren.This is sin above all other sin: To harm thy brethren.In such faith is happiness. In lack of it is misery and pain.Blessed be he who swerveth not aside from this straight path.Blessed is he whose life is lived thus ceaselessly in serving God. Bearing others’ burdens and so alone is life, true life, to be attained. Nothing is hard to him who, casting self aside, thinks only this: How may I serve my fellow man? tulsidas – 16th century
Translation by Mahatma Gandhi.
www.worldprayers.org

The picture is of a tombstone. A tree has grown up around it. It’s at an institution that closed in 1984 and is now mostly all gone. People who died at the institution and whose bodies were not claimed got buried there, and their tombstones bore numbers, not names.

In my work, I support many people who spent times in institutions. Some can even tell me about it. Honestly institutions fascinate me. Aside from the spooky aspect of the disused buildings (which I like to call modern ruins), something about the large scale operations of being the entire universe for lots of people interests me. I am very much against institutionalization in theory and in practice, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be in one. Still I can see why some people do want to be in one, and why some parents prefer this for their children who can’t be independent.

I’ve been inside two functioning institutions. I went several times to visit folks who were in the process of moving out, so that when they were relocated to the community, they might remember me as a friendly face, and so I could prepare as thoroughly as possible to meet their needs once out. One of the places I visited was (is) gorgeous. It has beautiful grounds, stately buildings, beautiful old trees. It has out buildings from when the superintendent lived on the site. In its day it had a greenhouse, a dairy, farming, a woodshop, a pool. Now it has lots of gorgeous grounds and very nice buildings, along with some people who still live there and some staff people who work there.

This is a long and round about way for me to try to put words or pictures to something I live. It is not because I’m virtuous that I do this. This is one of times, like when I say how much sobriety I have or what my son’s IQ is, that it’s hard to just state things without sounding (to me) like I’m bragging. I try to go about it quietly, and most of the time I can. Here, though, I’m trying to articulate what a life time of AA has given me, and how I practice these principles in all my affairs.

My mother did this work since I was five. She took me to work often, so I grew up with it. People with disabilities made impressions on my developing mind. That has created for me a comfort zone I don’t want to leave. I don’t know if that’s virtuous, lazy, frightened or just boring. Maybe it’s all those things. One huge fact of my existence is that I (hate) don’t like change. My mother gave me my first real job. I stayed with that job until I had to find another in order to move several hundred miles to live with Carole. I found a similar job, and I’m still doing it.

So OK, it may be an expression of my character defects that keeps me there. I have no doubt that is part of it. But so that I don’t engage in too much pride in reverse here, I will get on to the other side of it. The other side is trying to be of service to God and my fellow human beings. Those words are from the AA literature, and they tell me what it is I am supposed to build as the foundation of my life. When I’m at work, it’s hardly ever a question whether or not I’m doing the right thing. I’m taking care of people, sometimes in the way the Bible describes when it says, for instance, to give a drink of water to someone who is thirsty. It can be that elemental.

It all fits with my religion. Not that I fit with my religion. I’ll have to get back to that another time, but for now I’ll explain that I was raised Evangelical Lutheran. It surprises me at times that people don’t always know what that is. At this time, “evangelical” means to some people, “conservative.” But that is backwards as far as Lutherans in America right now. This is the liberal branch of the church, and my church had a woman pastor student when I was in elementary school. Our pastor performs same sex ceremonies in the church, and Carole and I had one there in 2005.

A main thrust of the church is to take care of others who are less able, or less fortunate, or in trouble, and my work fits perfectly. It also pays terribly, making it all the more virtuous.

I mean these things sincerely. I have been doing this work for around 15 years, and it’s mostly been wonderful. Being happy with it has given me an awesome quality of life. Sometimes I think that if I had to do some work I didn’t like, I wouldn’t be able to do it. And that is not to put down people who do difficult jobs.

In AA, helping others very often refers to helping newcomers, and that is most important kind of help that we can give. I’ve taken it to a broader stage in my life, and I do believe that it is the most important thing. I don’t know if I’ve done this because it’s comfortable and familiar, or if AA has influenced me so much as to be the reason I do it. “Nothing is hard” says the prayer I’ve inserted up there. One thing I’ve always loved about my work is the therapeutic effect it can have on me when I realize that hours have gone by, and I haven’t worried about the thing I’m worried about in all that time.

I know nothing about the person beneath that numbered stone. I know that I have stood at graves and mourned loved ones. I know that in 100 years, there’s no one living who remembers the dead first hand. I know that person has caused me and probably many others to pause and consider how we treat people who are vulnerable to us.

Let’s Dispose of What Appears to be a Hazardous Open End (Step Six continued)

Let’s dispose of what appears to be a hazardous open end we have left. It is suggested that we ought to become entirely willing to aim toward perfection. We note that some delay, however, might be pardoned. That word, in the mind of the rationalizing alcoholic, could certainly be given a long-term meaning. He could say, “How very easy! Sure, I’ll head toward perfection, but I’m certainly not going to hurry any. Maybe I can postpone dealing with some of my problems indefinitely.” Of course, this won’t do. Such a bluffing of oneself will have to go the way of many another pleasant rationalization.

I find it interesting that here, character defects are synonymous with problems. At any point in life, most of us could probably list our problems at any given moment. We have health problems and money problems and work problems and relationships problems, problems with our pets, our houses, our hobbies, our mind. I’m coming to understand more fully that the external details of my life, the good details and the bad details, are separate from the problems that lie within me, my character defects. Surely these act together to make me who I am at any given time. And I can change and effect some of my external details, things like where I work, where I live, and how I take care of my body. Other things are beyond my control and with these it is my attitude and outlook that I can work on changing.

I was looking back at what I had written so far this month, and I see that before I knew about my upcoming uterine biopsy I already reflected that maybe I won’t be at Disney ever again. I know it’s not important. If I go to Disney again, I’ll be different, the other people will be different, and Disney will be different. You can’t step in the same stream twice.

I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. My immediate reaction to this section of the sixth step is twofold. One, I wonder how much it was watered down in order to become palatable to prospective AAs. I think that some of this was written with that in mind, not scaring people away. Again, it is interesting to conjecture but I will never be able to answer this question. The book says what it says. I’m not so far away from the time that it was written that I can’t easily understand the language.

Second, I wonder that I or anyone would want to indefinitely postpone dealing with character defects, or, if you rather, problems.

I remember my reaction at first when I saw this step and thought I could not, would not ever heal that relationship, so I couldn’t work the step. The next time I approached the step in a more formal way, and with more experience and humility, understood that the character defect that lead me to have a relationship I’m unwilling to heal is, to quote Dr. Seuss, “big and deep and tall.”

For me, the hazardous open end closed over time, really as a result of my better understanding. My opinion only, but I don’t think a person will make it over the long time wanting to postpone dealing with these indefinitely.

One Day at a Time

So very many things about living in the “now” come up when I’m frightened about something like a medical test. I started looking through my pictures to find one that might illustrate something about this predicament. My pictures folder is filled with pictures of my pets, and pictures of the people I work with, many of whom have severe intellectual disabilities. One of the things I contemplate about living in the now is that many of these beings, the pets and the people, don’t worry about dying or being sick or disabled.

Now I should explain that I cannot profess to really know what any person (or animal for that matter) thinks about. It’s an extremely important concept to keep in mind that all people have to be respected fully, no matter what their abilities or disabilities are, and we have to assume that each and every one has every thought and feeling that all others do, too. And of course living things from people to pets to bugs fight death and try not to die.

This picture is the view out of the front of my house to the church across the street. This is the church where Carole and I and her sponsee started our meeting. The congregation is more than 100 years old, and the building is getting there too. I love old things, buildings and antiques. I think if I had to start a career completely unrelated to what I do now, I would go into historical preservation. You can see the lighted cross in this view, and I see that every time I look out my bedroom window, unless there’s very thick fog.

I wonder about the other people who have looked at this view through the years. I wonder about the people who founded the church and built the church and attended the church. I wonder about all the thoughts and prayers and words that have gone on in that building. So many of those people have died.

I understand that all I have is now. It’s false to think that I know what will happen in any case. Lightening could strike my house now and kill me. I may survive many medical situations or other life threatening catastrophes. From what I understand of the program regarding things like this, there is a universal vulnerability to being human, and ultimately the more I accept that, the more serene I will be. Also I understand from the program that each and every day I’ve had since my first day of sobriety has been extra, a gift, something I did not earn or deserve, something many other people fail to receive. I am so privileged among people to be healthy, to have enough money and material possessions, to have children and pets and a home and a spouse and a career.

I really love my life, and I selfishly want another 46 years. I realize that I am right here right now, today, and I’m grateful.

Experience, Strength and Hope (my story continued – 16, just before my first AA meeting)

Alcohol worked for me for a very short time. I set out to be slightly drunk all the time. I liked that much better than being stone cold sober. Doesn’t everyone?

I had a few experiences where I enjoyed the effect of a little alcohol. Then quickly, very quickly, I regularly began going too far. Then I went too far every time.

It would go, for example, like this. Home in my room after school (I was in 11th grade), I would begin drinking and plan to get buzzed and do my homework. I would drink a bit, watch TV a bit, and mean to work. Then I would think that the alcohol wasn’t hitting me fast enough, I must not have taken enough. Then I would drink more. Then the room would spin. Then I would call someone in an emotional pit.  I might write something goopy on my typewriter.  Often, when I would lay down, I would get the spins.  At times when this didn’t quit, I would try to go with it and not open my eyes.  I remember the sensation of being on a tipping axis, skipping there like a record (vinyl).  I would pass out.  Lots of nights I woke up or came to in the middle of the night, parched and dehydrated.  I remember the sensation of getting cold water in the kitchen and drinking and drinking.

At one point I wrote a sappy description of all this and asked my psychology teacher to comment.  He said I was in danger of becoming an alcoholic.  Another time I had a vivid dream I asked him about.  I dreamed that I was at my grandparents’ summer house where I spent all my summers growing up, and where I largely stopped going as a teenager.  Most of my mother’s family would go there on and off all summer.  I was in the rowboat, not far away from the dock.  There was a girl with dark hair (my hair was fairly light) just beneath the water.  I reached in to grab her, but I couldn’t reach her.  Her body would shift away from me on the slight current my reach had caused.  I maneuvered the boat and  tried and tried, but I couldn’t get her. The psychology teacher told me that both girls were me, the one in the boat and the one in the water, and that I was trying to save myself.

Complacency, Sharing, and a Health Scare

I’ve commented before (OK, I’ve complained) that more and more often these days, I have the most time in the room when I’m at an AA meeting.  This problem will only get worse.  I’ve also been in a bit of an oldtimer funk, and that’s actually why I started this blog, among other reasons.  I know that many of the people who got sober with me and before me have died, they’ve gotten drunk, they’ve stopped going to meetings.  However, I also guess many of them are around, but they go to day time meetings.  They are retired, and/or they may have issues with driving at night or being out at night.  Maybe they congregate to be with more of their own kind.

If all goes according to plan, and if it’s God will (blah, blah), I’ve got about 20 working years ahead of me at least.  And the work that I choose to do happens mostly in the day time.

I had a doctor’s appointment today, so I took the opportunity to work from home and go to a day meeting.  Lots of what I do also takes place on the computer, and that part could theoretically be done anywhere at any time.  First, at the doctor’s, the doctor told me that what I hope are mild signs of an approaching menopause could be cancer.  She doesn’t think that it is cancer, but she sent me for three more tests to make sure.  As I was telling Carole, tests to make sure things aren’t cancer will probably be more and more frequent as we get older, if we are lucky.  I had a blood test today, to see if there are any menopausal hormones in my blood.  I need to have a sonogram and a biopsy (OW) along with the usual mammogram (which probably won’t be such an ow after the biopsy).   The doctor told me that for my age, the risk of uterine cancer is 5%.  I don’t quite understand that, since does that mean that 5% of 46 year olds have uterine cancer?  Doesn’t seem right.  Regardless, I think she meant the risk is there, but it’s small.  It doesn’t matter in the long run since I have it, or I don’t.  No gray area here.

But, it’s frightening.  Aside from all the regular reasons why this is frightening, Carole’s mother died from this, and it was awful.  So, of course I resolve to eat better and exercise more and not ingest so much artificial sweetener.  Really.  Even if I’m fine.  Because I really like being alive, and I want to continue as long as I can.

AND I resolve to enjoy life more and let little things pass and be grateful upon grateful for my buckets of blessings.  No matter what the outcome of this is.

After the doctor and the blood test, I went to a meeting.  Just as I expected, there were a few oldtimers there.  Although this meeting is nearby, I didn’t know anyone there well, and I only knew a few people by sight.  I think it really is true that lots of people go in the day, or at night, but not both.  There was a woman there who has 34 years, 10 more than me.  Others had more than 10, 15 or 20.  There were also some newcomers.

The topic was taking other people’s inventories.  In my opinion, the level of discourse was different.  I truly think that the presence of the oldtimers raised the discussion, at times, to a higher level than the usual basic stuff we say about this topic.  After everyone had had a chance to speak, there was still time, and some people spoke again.  During the whole meeting I had thought on and off about speaking about my desire to start an oldtimer’s meeting, but I didn’t say anything.  Then, with still some time left, the chair person asked if we would quickly comment on complacency.  Finally, I said something about the problems of oldtimers and the idea of the meeting.  One person took the CD I had brought, and another took my name and number and email.  They both reacted very positively, and the more I share about it, the more I know there is a need for this thing.

Honestly, I wish someone else would start it.  I’d like to just attend it.  I cannot leave my home group, because we only have a very few members, and I don’t want to leave it.  I wish someone with more time (retired, maybe?) would do it.  And someone may.  I think it will work best with an actual meeting.  If that doesn’t work out, I’m personally more dedicated to interacting regularly with people who have more time than I have.  It’s fairly easy for me to take a day off to attend a day time meeting.

I also wish those oldtimers would attend night meetings some times, if for no other reason than to show the people there that people can achieve 34 years and be happy about it.

It was interesting being at that meeting with my health scare on my mind.  I was in the zone where I was loving life, loving AA, loving being there, and wanting to show up, retired one day, with 44 years of sobriety to share.

Let All I Say (Prayer)

My work prayer of the moment goes something like this: Let all I say and all I think be in harmony with Thee, God within me, God beyond me, maker of the trees.

I had many occasions to pull it out today. So many I think I memorized it, though of course it is very short. I continue to struggle with my work partner, Irene, almost on a daily basis. I get frustrated with her and she gets frustrated with me and when we can’t be in harmony, it feels terrible. We’ve had a long and strong relationship, and because of that I feel myself being constantly pulled back into a loving harmony with her, and I think and hope she feels the same. I don’t think I personally would struggle so with someone who didn’t matter very much to me.

There are reasons I like and can apply the prayer. All I say represents to me what I put out to the world, words as well as actions. All I think is my inner workings. Thoughts come involuntarily, but they are also voluntary and the more I practice, the better they will be. . . . be in harmony with Thee. This is my ideal, having my actions and thoughts aligned with God, doing God’s will. God within me reminds me that I am part of this higher power, that I can draw on it anytime because it is part of me. God beyond me reminds me that the higher power is also beyond me physically as well as mentally. It resides in every other person and perhaps beyond all people as well. Maker of the trees is almost quirky. I just quoted the “only God can make a tree” thing recently. There is a force beyond me that has made the trees and everything else.

So. I don’t really know how much I help myself with all this prayer, memorization and reflection. I have to think about how this differs from going over and over and over any slight I feel I have received. I seek to be lifted to a new level of serenity, humility and understanding.

Looking Again at Those Defects (Step Six continued)

Looking again at those defects we are still unwilling to give up, we ought to erase the hard-and-fast lines that we have drawn. Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, “This I cannot give up yet . . . ,” but we should not say to ourselves, “This I will never give up!”

A long time ago, I thought of this in terms of someone I was unwilling to talk to. There’s a relationship I was pretty sure I would never be willing to mend, so I thought I would never, ever, be able to do the sixth step. More recently, I heard a newcomer voice this very thing. This person said he is unwilling and unable to forgive two family members. He expressed that he actually hates these people. And so, he concluded he therefore couldn’t do any of the steps.

What is the defect at play here? I honestly don’t know. I see pride, obstinance*, and a severe lack of love and grace. In other places in the literature, I know we are said to sometimes defy God, and to be defiant. We are resistant, and we resist what is given to us, and what we know to be best. These are the common characteristics of children, adolescents and teenagers.

I gave up “no, never,” a long time ago. There are few things I’d even be tempted to use those words about regarding myself and what I’m willing and able to do. The way this concept resonates for me at this point is to substitute and say, “Looking again at those defects we are still struggling with after years of effort . . . In some cases we will say, “This I haven’t conquered yet.”

I understand that it is life long, and that I will never reach the ideal. I understand that I have to be willing to continue to really try. I understand that if I lose my willingness over any appreciable amount of time, I will regress, and worse. I understand that my rewards are proportionate to the effort I put forth. I understand that the rewards are beyond what I can imagine I would want for my life.

I’ve reached these conclusions by the evidence I see in my own life, and in the lives of others.  When I was able to stop drinking, I understood that it was abstinence or death.  When the urge to drink was mostly out of the way, I understood that it was grow by working the program, or be miserable.  I will look again at those defects that I still struggle with, and I will attack and examine them with renewed effort.

*The browser spell check did not like the word obstinance, so I went to an online dictionary to see if it is a word and if I’d spelled it properly. The ads that were generated for that dictionary page asked, “Defiant? Poor grades? Defiant child?” To that I say yes, no, and yes.

Prayer and Meditations

After all these years, I admit I don’t meditate in a formal fashion. Prayer and meditation is something I am going to spend renewed effort on now. I’ve been doing the prayer thing at work, and that’s good. To summarize, I printed up a few “new” prayers from http://www.worldprayers.org/ and I try to read and write them in order to memorize them. I do this at lunch time (I really don’t have a lunch break) and sometimes during difficult meetings. I know I’m learning the prayers, but I’m not doing it well or quickly. I also read an AA meditation book first thing every morning at work. I keep it where I stow my cell phone, so it’s something I don’t forget to do ever. I also have longer meditations, poems and sayings I’ve collected, and I hang one over my desk each week and try to reread it, contemplate it and apply it to my week. The nature of these things is such that they all apply to so many situations. I try to concentrate on one at a time as it applies to my work week or my home week. In this way I learn it better and incorporate it more over time.

At home, I have a flipping photo thingy from when I was in junior high. Instead of photos, I inserted short sayings and poems that appeal to me. I flip it weekly, and try to contemplate the saying there through the week. I have a Christian meditation book I try to read each morning. I have other AA-inspired meditation books I’ve read at different times. Right now, As Bill Sees It is in the bathroom.

I want to start the prayer thing at home as well as at work, and I think I’d like to work on it and do it as part of this blog.

Before I start with the prayer today, though, I want to expand a bit on what Hillary said and why I like it and how I’ll use it. She said

When you hear people saying or think to yourself, If only, or, What if, I say, please, don’t go there. Every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward.

Life is too short, time is too precious, and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been. We have to work together for what still can be.

This applies to all of my situations, of course, but it resonated most strongly for me with regard to my work situation. Briefly, I lost a boss who meant a great deal to me at work. Henceforth she will be known here as Edith. She tried hard to do good things for my workplace, but for various reasons (and I surely don’t know them all) she was not able to continue. I miss her there daily. Outside of work, she’s become a friend, so I lost her in the work capacity only. My work partner and friend, Irene, has come back to work with me after a time away. Irene often, probably several times a day, mentions one or another thing that is wrong with our program, and these are all things that Edith was taking care of. If only weighs on my mind often.

Of course I know the concept of not looking back, either to regret or to celebrate. All that takes time away from today. Hillary said it in a way I was able to heart right now (That is a Freudian typo that I’m going to leave.  Of course I meant HEAR). That’s added to by my highly emotional state over Hillary’s campaign. So I’ll write these words down for my rotating meditations, at home and at work, and try to learn them and live them.

As to prayer, I’ve chose a new one for home, and I’ll record it hear and try to learn it here.

Holy Spirit,
Giving life to all life,
Moving all creatures,
Root of all things,
Washing them clean,
Wiping out their mistakes,
Healing their wounds,
You are our true life,
Luminous, wonderful,
Awakening the heart from its ancient sleep.

hildegarde of bingen – 12 century

This appeals to me because it seems basic, as in bringing me back to the base of things, which is God.

Gratitude

Here’s a Mickey within a Mickey behind another Mickey. The whole thing is crawling with Mickeys. There’s something new at Disney since the last time I was there. The “hidden” Mickeys which, we are told, there are maybe several hundred of. These are images of Mickey Mouse which have been hidden within other things. They aren’t new, but the hype is new, at least to me.

An easy one to spot is on the banquet table in The Haunted Mansion. At the end of the table, three plates are placed so as to create a likeness of the mouse.

Sometimes, many times, I fail at fun. “Fun” is not something I often seek. Many things that others find to be fun, I do not. Part of it is that I can be stoic and unemotional. Part of it is that I really feel dumb doing things that get a laugh. I don’t like attention.

Sometimes I wonder how much of this I should accept about myself, and how much I should try to change. How much is just me, and how much is dysfunctional.

I only looked for one other hidden Mickey while I was at Disney. There’s supposedly another in The Haunted Mansion that is formed by some guy’s cloak. I read about it quickly on our way out the last morning. I looked for it, as did Carole, but we didn’t see it.

Does it take enjoyment and fun away from the experience to look for hidden Mickeys? To me it’s a bit like a puzzle I have only a few seconds to solve. The chances of me seeing a hidden Mickey in Disney World using no clues is just about non existent. I could look for years, I’m sure, without finding any. And even following clues, the time on a ride like The Haunted Mansion is so short. One could try and follow the clues to find a hidden Mickey that isn’t part of a ride, like one in a mural, but what would that time be spent doing otherwise? Does this add to the fun, or does it take some away?

We’re home, and I made to my meeting, where the topic was gratitude. Honestly I have too much to mention. There were people at the meeting who were, of course, struggling with trying to be grateful. Mostly AA meetings are full of very grateful people. Or at least they say they are grateful when asked. What happens to that gratitude when someone goes out and drinks? One of the synonyms for gratitude is appreciation. Is it that they fail to appreciate what they have? Or do they stop appreciating it for a time?

Today Hillary Clinton officially suspended her campaign and said that she supports Barack Obama as the next President of the United States. As much as I am heartbroken, disappointed, and even bitter (I understand she may have actually gotten more popular votes than he did), I can’t help but be amazed and grateful that I got to see this and participate. I actually can’t hold gratitude back at this time in my life.

I’ve had to practice through the years to get to this place. I didn’t enter AA feeling grateful. I understood the concept of gratitude pretty early on though. An oldtimer told me to “say thank God instead of God dammit.” I understood this when I got cut off in traffic. I was able to say “thank God I didn’t have an accident,” instead of God damming the other driver. That was the phrase that clicked for me, and the picture I’ve held on to. I had to be in that place at that time to receive those words. I had to be open and willing to try. It amazes me today that when something doesn’t go my way, I’m still able to thank God and to mean it. Often.

And oh my goodness, how could I forget? The lady herself said today that we should not waste time with if only. I know the time we spent on her campaign was not wasted, not a minute of it.

Not Much Love

If I speak with the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I have become a sounding brass or a tinkling symbol. And if I know all knowledge and prophecy all mysteries, and if I have faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And if I offer up my body so I may boast********

This is where I lost it. I’m still trying to memorize it, but I guess I’m not trying very hard.

So, as is my custom, when all else fails I think about following directions. I prayed for the first time on this vacation yesterday, the seventh day of the odyssey. I should know better. I went to one meeting on this vacation on I don’t know which day. I have even put this blog on vacation. Though I’m writing a lot, I left the disciplined format I had developed.

I feel like I have failed at having fun. Now this is nothing new. Which makes it worse. And of course I’ve had fun, tons of it, days of it. Why isn’t it OK to admit that I don’t like vacation? Why isn’t it OK to admit I don’t like heat?

The ultimate ideal, I think, would be to like and be serene in all situations. It would be to recognize and appreciate God’s grace as expressed to me through this vacation. I would really like to get into and love the whole Disney experience. I’ve actually come a short way toward doing that recently by letting go of some of the thoughts I have that involve the evil of Disney. Ideally, I would remain serene in the face of the distress of my family members. I would be the calming, loving example for them to admire and follow. Maybe I’d also accept my humanness.

We went to a show explaining animation, and the announcer guy said that on the third day of Disney, someone in the family snaps. He said he wouldn’t single people out, but advised everyone to be nice to mom. So maybe I’m just totally average, although I want to be better.

I’m heading out for my last day at Disney for this trip.  I wonder if it will be my last time.  Not to be morbid, but you never know.  Maybe I’ll try to live it as if it is my last.  Maybe I’ll try to live it as if I had been practicing AA for 24 years.

Sober Partnering, the Second Decade

So, I’m still here, at the happiest place on Earth. Today we did MGM for the second time. Having six day passes, we need to repeat two parks. The Magic Kingdom, the hands down favorite, we saved for tomorrow. I should say this is all at the whim of my daughter, Erika. This is her present, and so we go with what she decides.

This vacation is very difficult at times. Today was another hard day, and for me again I think the ultimate factor is the heat. I hate to say I’m just a heat wimp who can’t take it so please don’t take me south in the summer. But maybe that’s what I am. I hear others around me complaining about the heat a lot. I don’t know how close they feel to the edge. I’ve even thought that maybe I’m just being a baby, that everyone feels like death is not a bad option to escape the heat, and they are just soldiering through. I don’t know.

In any case, today most of my difficult moments involved my wife, Carole. As I’m writing this, it is 11:35 at night, so in less than half an hour it will be our 11th anniversary. We count that anniversary as the day we met. That may not be fair in comparing the length of our relationship to straight couples who met and married on different days. Hopefully they did that. It is legal, I believe, for straight people to marry strangers. But we won’t go there.

In our case, we didn’t rush our ceremony, mostly because it isn’t legal. I had to get divorced. I had been separated for seven years, so a divorce was a formality, but it took time. Then Carole’s father was dying, and it wasn’t clear when that would happen. We ended up having a ceremony in church in August, 2005. So we have two anniversaries.

We count the day we met as our anniversary. Lots of gay couples do. I’m sure that if we were straight and of opposite genders, we would say something like we met in 1997, moved in together in 1998, and got married in 2005. Tomorrow we will count it as our eleventh anniversary.

We know three lesbian couples who have been together longer than we have. Every other lesbian couple we know have been a couple for a shorter time than eleven years. We know lots of straight couples, including lots of family members, who have been together longer. These are mostly our aunts and uncles, people like that. I’m afraid those couples are dwindling, though.

Carole has been step-mother/other-mother to my children for all that time. Much longer than their bio father had anything to do with them. My son, Nicholas, has had her as a parent for more than half his life. Carole has lived with them since they were 12 and 10, and at times it has been very, very difficult.

Carole and I are opposite in many ways. We may not seem like a likely couple. We met on the internet, at a gay AA meeting. Our first communications were online, and so we fell in love at first through writing.

This has good and bad aspects, and since we’re together, I think we might as well concentrate on the good. In writing, we fell in love with no physical aspects involved. We didn’t know what the other looked like. Before we met, we talked on the phone and exchanged photographs. This was in the days before digital cameras and fast internet. The context of our communication was at first AA. I was 11 then 12 years sober. She was no years than one year sober. AA was the foundation of my life. When we finally did commit to one another, I told her that she had to continue in AA in order to be with me. It was a non-negotiable. It’s that important.

So the ways we are different. She’s an extrovert who loves to meet people, I’m an introvert who hates to meet people. She likes to dance and sing, I won’t dance or sing. She likes to watch and play sports, I don’t like to watch and I won’t play. She likes vacation, I don’t. She likes to talk things over right away and until they are resolved. I like to deny and ignore the fact that something is wrong, and hope it will go away.

Our similarities are more important, though. Beginning with AA and all that entails, it is awesome to be in a relationship with someone who is trying to work the same program. We speak that same language in that respect. Our politics are similar too, and that’s very important to me. I have a hard enough time with friends who disagree with my politics, I can’t imagine my partner disagreeing. To a certain extent we share spiritual beliefs enough to belong to the same church. She participates at a much higher level than I do, but we can belong together and attend together.

As I’m writing this, midnight has passed, and we’ve been together for eleven years. Just like long time sobriety, it causes me to wonder from time to time what we have that has enabled us to make it this far when so many other fail to do so. It is, honestly, often, wonderful to be with her, very much like at the beginning. Most of the time it’s just comfortable and at times it’s very difficult. I’ll give most of the credit for keeping us together to her. If something is wrong, she won’t ignore it or deny it, like I probably would do until it was too late. She makes sure we work on it, and for my part, I usually cooperate with the work eventually. I think we both understand that the intoxicating, falling in love feeling doesn’t last. I accept that more than she does.

Speaking just for myself, I love the comfort of the history we share as it gets longer and longer. At Disney, people travel for the most part in families, and I wouldn’t trade mine. Sometimes I actually fear what we have as we become more and more comfortable, because that would make it more unbearable (and I do know that isn’t a correct construction as things are unbearable or they are not, there aren’t degrees) for it to end, which it will have to, at least by death. I look at old couples sometimes and wonder how long they’ve been together and if we will make it that long. I want her to be the one I hobble into church with, the one I take the grandchildren to Disney with. I can look at those old couples (and really for all I know they just got together last week) and I picture a nice new phase of life as a couple.

We actually are in a transition to a new phase as the kids finish college. I know some couples fear this and fall apart when it happens. I’m looking forward to it. As much as I have loved actively mothering these two for all these year, the time coming of simple couplehood will be something we haven’t experienced yet. I’m so glad that we get to do it with all of that mostly nice history behind us.

I’m Melting, I’m Melting (down) ……..

It’s almost one in the morning, but I want to get a few notes about today down. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time during which no major catastrophes occurred. Meaning it was all small or temporary stuff, but there was so much of it, at one point I really couldn’t cope.

I’ll give my daughter a pseudonym for the blog and call her Erika. She’s 22, just graduated from college, and it is in honor of that event that we are at Disney for six days.

ARG! I had a long post written and the computer ate it and only saved the above. I’ll take it as a sign that I should be more concise.

Now it’s 9:30 in the morning after the aforementioned bad day. The main factor in the bad day was the heat. I think I got just about to where I couldn’t take it anymore. During the height of the heat, the main activity at Epcot was shopping. I really hate shopping. Much of this Disney vacation involves shopping after shopping after shopping after shopping. Also, Erika bought a beer. This after I asked her not to, and thought for a brief and happy moment that she wouldn’t, just because I asked her not to.  We’ve also been together 24/7 for six days now.  And our feet hurt.  And I don’t think I’ve eaten a vegetable since last Thursday.

But like I said, the main factor was the heat. Looking back, I probably should have parked it in a restaurant with a soda until the hottest part was over. It’s really difficult. I don’t want to ruin everyone’s time. I don’t want to pass out. Physically I feel I’m at the edge. I tried just moving along with everyone, but my wife was too solicitous in trying to help me and she asked too many questions, offered to do whatever I wanted to do, then when I stated what that was, she said she was going off on her own. So all in all, not a good few hours. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I would have rather been almost anywhere at that time than on my Disney vacation. And oh yes, all this in the context of I really don’t even like vacation.

Also, all this was in the context of the day that Hillary Clinton was probably really done. It brings tears to my throat now, when I think about it, though it has been a long time in coming. My oldtimer skills and learning have told me from the start that she was a long shot. We (Democrats) have an awesome candidate who was unimaginable for me four years ago. We (my family, especially my wife) have been part of an amazing historical event. She (Hillary) did more than I thought possible by a female. We (Democrats and in my opinion Americans) have to get behind Obama and do everything we can to help him win.

I’m going to try and muster all my will power and strength – I was about to write I will muster them to have a good day. But just writing the words, will power and strength, I realized right away what my error is. My will power and strength have to be turned to the direction of letting go and letting God.

More From the Happiest Place on Earth

My second day in the sun was much better than the first. I don’t know why that is, but I did drink lots more water. Today I was pummeled by the heat again. Basically I tried to keep in the shade and AC, keep drinking and live through it. Thankfully, the really hurtful heat just lasted for an hour or two.

I’m more convinced that the lack of balance on a Disney vacation is not a good thing for me or for most people. Being at Disney, I really feel like I need to keep going and going, because there just isn’t time to see and do everything. We’re not staying on the grounds of Disney, so leaving for part of a day and returning isn’t practical. So we go on and on and on with activities.

We’ve been really lucky with the famous lines at Disney, and that has gone well and we’ve gotten almost everything we tried to do in. I do think I’m a bit more able to see the fun in Disney than I was in the past. We also haven’t killed each other or broken a relationship yet, though all this togetherness is challenging and really, it’s too much.

Interestingly and not at all on purpose, we’re here for part of Gay Week. Or is it Gay Day? Either way, that’s kind of fun. Our anniversary is on Thursday, so it’s even more appropriate.

So it’s a challenge, having “fun” hour after hour, day after day. I’m visiting rides and places I remember from when I was a kid. I’m seeing it a bit through the different eyes of my kids. I guess the best moments are when I can let go of the surrounding circumstances of overbearing heat and sore feet and just experience things as fully as possible. I’m sure that will be a good metaphor to bring back into the daily flow.

A Very Luxurious Problem

Part of the reason I began this blog is because I can be reluctant at times to let newcomers and others know the long timer experience isn’t all peaches and cream. Of course they know that. But. There’s no one around who remembers me when I was drinking. There’s no one who knows how much better I am. I have plenty of issues now, and they are nothing compared to the way I used to be. I do get better and happier, more serene and more peaceful as any appreciable amount of time goes by. My problems today are of a very high caliber. They are “luxury” problems, for sure.

A luxury problem is a small problem with something wonderful. Which university to attend, for example, when your choices are all good and your capacity to pay for it or pay the money back are good. A luxury problem might be when you wreck your very nice car, and you’re fine, but you have to deal with the details of getting it fixed or replaced. Which job to take when you have good choices. Fixing something within your nice house, with the resources to do it.

All of my problems are not always luxury problems, but most are, and really all are today. It’s hard for me to complain in this case, or to admit everything isn’t well and wonderful.

I wrote that I hate vacation. Two weeks ago, under strange circumstances, I voiced the feeling that I also hate change. In one of those magnificently timed “coincidences” that make me feel or sense or hope that a higher power is influencing things, a friend sent me a meditation pointing out that every single thing is changing every single second, and that hate is not a productive or gracious way to feel about it. It pointed out that I have within me qualities to help me like and embrace change. I can learn to use things like vision and imagination to enjoy and employ change.

So vacation. I’m at Disney World in Florida. I’ve been here several times, beginning when I was a kid. I understand and appreciate that I am extremely fortunate in this. From the money and will to do it down and through the capabilities within my body and mind I am very very lucky. This time, my daughter chose it as the destination in honor of her graduation from college. Again, I am extremely fortunate and blessed. My son and my wife are also here, and from the money to do this to the physical abilities and the fact that we can all get along well enough to do this, I am one of the luckiest people on earth.

In that context I still want to write about and list what’s wrong. Number one, I can’t take the heat. I’ve never been good with heat, not at any time during my life. It’s ninety degrees here with blazing sun, and it’s humid. And I had to spend lots of time rushing from one destination to the next. I have a feeling also that my family members don’t completely believe how bad the heat makes me feel. It’s the night of the first day right now, and I’m really a bit frightened that I’ll either collapse or ruin everybody’s vacation.

I also really really feel out of balance. It’s not chic or cool to admit that I like to work, I like to be in touch with people, I like to have all my stuff with me. And good lord I like my critters. And I need time to do nothing. So generally, in a five day work week with two or sometimes three days off, with all my stuff and several hours to devote to my pets, I feel good. Here, now, I am pining for the pets and imaging they (and especially one) is sad and feeling abandoned. I also had to keep going and moving from around eight in the morning till around ten at night. That’s too much for me.

So honestly, honestly, I’d rather be home and not at Disney and not on vacation. I’m going to try hard to change this. I’m going to try and do better physically tomorrow, drinking more and ……. I don’t know what else. I can’t think of a great strategy to tolerate vacation better. To like it. To love it. What’s coming to my mind right now is that it’s another day down and another day closer to being home. But I’m not staying with that or accepting it as the way I should be. I do know I shouldn’t be trying to tolerate it, but aiming toward the perfect ideal of accepting, embracing, and understanding it and myself. God is certainly extremely gracious to me right now. And sobriety is so worth it! I would not could not be anywhere close to this if I was drinking. My family wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have means to afford this or skills to implement it or cope with it. This is so luxurious.